I went to the gym at one point later that day (not in the morning, woah, and it was not a big deal… just a part of my day… so much less angst around this) and then that night met up with my dad for a lacrosse game!
The UMASS Men’s lacrosse team is doing quite well this year, they are ranked in the top three in the country right now and yesterday they were playing against Drexel at UMASS. My dad is a major lacrosse fan, he played himself in college and helps to coach it, so going with him to the game was wonderful.. plus he can explain to me what the heck is going on. I know so sad that I don’t know haha.
Oh and cannot I just say... the lacross game reminded me how mcuh I like men, woah baby
They won, 18-12! Fantastic game, made even better by watching it with dad For the record, this game started at 7 pm, also during my special eating dinner time. It was fineeee, I modified my schedule, ate earlier and was able to enjoy my experience there without being so damn worried about what and when I was going to eat.
After the game ended, I drove on over to my friend’s house, the same people I went to the dance with, and helped to celebrate birthdays for two of the people there
Silly pants I was hungry when I was there and instead of leaving and consuming “safe” foods of mine, they offered me some chips, dip and guac, which was just fine for me… was hungry, ate food, did not feel guilt, and moved on… how normal, love it!
I didn’t stay out too late that night, as I was exhausted from Friday, but of course it was still lovely to see them, hang out with others, and just have a nice time without over-thinking every damn detail and plan.
And here we are on Sunday, where I am currently sitting in the library writing out this epically long post and realizing what a just… nice… weekend I had. I was able to enjoy these few days because I was mentally allowing myself to have a good time. I chose to push myself, give the nudge I need to get out there, make schedule changes accordingly, eat food but not obsess, and most importantly, have a FUN time, a weekend that I so deserve to have.
It would be a blatant like to say that the thought were not there… the anxiety and stress that is scary and tempts me to isolate, stick to what I know and remain “safe.” Just.can’t.though.
If I give in to the disorder, my “fears” of food, weight, friends, losing control of my environment, being out of my comfort zone, and so on, this will prevent such a weekend, heck a life! I get upset even thinking about this… reflecting on the fact that if I had not started letting go of this debilitating mental illness, what I would have missed out on. I have already missed out on so that life has to offer, but I have the ability to stop this from continuing.
I know that everyday is not going to be sunshine, butterflies and rainbows. I was in a great mental state this weekend and enjoyed myself. But there will be days that are just “blah…” where I feel fat for no freakin reason at all, that I won’t want to eat what I need to, where staying in my comfort zone seems so much easier than stepping out of it. And then I will think of what I missed out on, the opportunities and adventures I turned down, the people I could have met, the memories I could have made….
You know what those sort of thoughts give me? A major wake up call and the drive to keep this recovery process going. That’s what I plan to do, and when the tougher days occur (which I know they will) I will be ready for them- ready to counteract them with the decisions that I know are right.
I would love to hear from you…
-Do you ever worry that your choices, whatever they are and wherever they come from, has led to miss out on parts of life?
-Do you have regrets about past or present decisions? Is this worth dwelling on or do you actively work to move on from such thoughts?
-To the college grads out there, did you have any senior festivities for the last few weeks on campus? What was your favorite event/memory during this time?
-When was the last time you dressed up formal for an event?
-How was your weekend? Share any and all things that you did!
Have a great Monday my friends!