“All The Single Ladies, All the Single Lad…Oh, Wait.
Posted Dec 08 2012 10:46am
Shhhh! I got it, I got it! Go AWAY.
I have been very good at being single.
I got lonely on occasion, but nothing that warranted desperation. Being single in the sense of knowing how to do everything for myself, not asking for help and making sure every minute of my valuable time was spent on me. After being in a very long term relationship, like any long term relationship that was headed for failure – we often stay in it much longer than its expiration date. So, the sense of being single and alone had started long before my relationship had ended. No one to blame but each other.
Once I moved out on my own and started over, things only compounded. Every relationship after that was a ‘I’ll pencil you in’ deal. I had to do it for the sake of my own feelings. And I was open and honest up front about how my schedule. To be fair, I really was that busy. I started a new job, I was climbing the belt ranks at taekwondo, I was getting into grad school and taking classes. I was doing everything I could do to better myself, because I finally had the opportunity to do it. Looking back I can say I kept so busy because I just wasn’t ready for a relationship. I had spent literally all of my 20′s in a relationship that went no where. I’m staring at 30 down the barrel of a gun, and this was time for me to flourish.
The guys I did start short term romances with were actually incredible guys. Kind, sweet and kept me interested. The timing was all wrong. I was unabashedly carefree. I never cut if off with any guy I dated after, it was the same thing every.single.time. “You don’t make enough time for me”. A girl hears that 3 or 4 times then there has to be some truth behind it. I felt bad, in a way that I didn’t want to waste their time but again, I was honest up front. Then I just sort of….stopped caring.
Then the bad girl phase hit. Not caring is dangerous when you have no one else to rely on you. But it is also very fun. I won’t get into details (sorry, this is the internet, people), but it’s good to let your hair down. I was most reflective at 3am, riding my bike home through the streets of the city. So far, it is my favorite moment of adulthood. I spent many many many nights/early mornings just riding around alone thinking about how far I’ve come.
Then, I gave up on actively finding a partner. Just FUN! Just me! No more feeling bad for going alone to the millionth wedding or sprawling out on my big comfy bed by myself, or running physically exhaustive errands. Just living, loving the people I was around, respecting myself blah blah blah….
He walked into my life.
The universe was just like ‘yeah, she’s ready’.
I knew exactly what was happening.
I had finally taken down the wall to let someone in. I was doing it all wrong before. I thought it was a numbers game. If I dated 100 guys (and I probably did ) then I was BOUND to click with someone. This….is very inaccurate. I had to first give up, give a shit and then give in. Meaning, I had to stop looking, take care of me and just accept that I am farking awesome (aka, just learn to like/love yourself). Totally hokey and cheesy, but STFU, ok? Being happy with yourself trumps any other emotion as far as I am concerned. I just got my confidence back. I was just genuinely happy and I didn’t need a guy to make that happen. I think that is what guys are into? Happy broads?
Because once I climbed out of my cave I really did just enjoy everything.
So here is this guy, who thinks the sun shines out of my ass. Because he’s told me every day since we’ve met. He is kind, sweet, handsome and more importantly, he absolutely lets me be myself. And I’m a handful ( : I am also learning how to let him help. Man, boys just love to help chicks! Yes, you may carry that heavy air conditioner to the basement.
And now, I have a boyfriend. Who I actually do make time for, not because I have to but because I want to. That is a huge difference. He knows I have school, work, TKD and a social life outside this relationship and so does he. But he has triggered something I haven’t had before, which is that I’m allowed to make myself happy I just gotta remember to hold his hand while I’m doing it.
And I know you said you stopped reading my blog, but I don’t believe you. So, thank you for being awesome.