My friend Cheri left a comment on a blog post about her recent experience with sugar-free candy-induced maltitrots. I'm going to shame myself by recounting my first (and last) encounter with Sugar-free Jelly Bellies. One Spring Break, we piled the family into the car and we took off for a week in San Francisco. At that time, S.F. was a great place for a family vacation, and was "Foodie Central" for California. I wanted to stick to my low-carb diet, so I bypassed the chocolate and sourdough cinnamon rolls, and dived head-first into a half-pound bag of maltitol-sweetened Jelly Bellies. I went to bed and got about three hours of sleep before my stomach did its Mt. Vesuvius impression. I ran for the bathroom, where I proceeded to spend the next four hours. I am not exaggerating when I say that I do not understand how I didn't wake up the entire hotel. Why can't food manufacturers use erythritol to sweeten their products? We are practically the only country that sells maltitol as a sweetener instead of a laxative. Normally, in small amounts, I can tolerate it with a minimum of embarrassment. A half pound of it? Gas-bag city. Maybe if candy-makers experienced a minute of maltitrots for every speck of maltitol that they put into their candy, they'd come to their senses. Or at least be too busy in the bathroom to bother us with any more of their cheap-quality product. We can only hope. The Bionic Broad out.