I know what you’re thinking.
“Oh no, Hannah’s had a relapse”
“Going abroad was no good for her, I knew anorexia’d get the better of her!”
“She’s been faking it all along, what a shame”
On the contrary, my good people, I’m doing fine. The only thing taking a beating here is my dignity and my productivity.
Let me explain.
I’m quite money conscious. To a point where I try to spend as *little* as possible and never buy things I don’t need if I can help it. This doesn’t just stem from a good frugality gene I may have inherited from my grandmother, but also from my eating disorder and the intense fear of guilt- shoppers/buyers guilt, the guilt of any sort of consumption and guilt for having something that might not be necessary. I feel the need to save my money for a rainy day, whenever that might be. If I’m honest, I have no idea what I’m saving for, but spending even £1 makes my head spin.
I knew spending the year in London, the city touted as one of the most expensive in the world, would put a dent even in my wallet if I didn’t have some way to combat the effects of higher prices. So what did I do?
I advertised online as a Nanny and low and behold, before I even set foot on British soil, I had two inquiries for a position quite near my Uni!
The prospects looked bright and before the first week was out, I’d had a phone call and an in person interview which had both gone well.
By the next week, I’d met the two cute little girls and signed a contract.
Enter choosing classes. I might mention that I did multiple permutations to try both to fulfill my major and to work around my job. I’d had success with this when BOOM–>chaos.
Not chaos, really, but they changed the seminar time for what happens to be the best class I’m taking; “Critical Theory and the Study of Religion.” Sure, I was upset, but they said if you couldn’t make that time, you could go to the Masters section. Fine. But then they rescheduled them both within an hour of each other, on the same day, on a day and during a time when I’m working. Not cool.
Not cool as in, now I’ll have to quit my job. Not only am I losing ££ here (£90 per week, to be exact), but I’m also embarrassed for having to quit after having gotten this far with this wonderful family and leaving the mother to have to begin her Nanny search over again. I suppose I could drop the class, because if I think about it, I’m really here for academics and not to work. Don’t you hate when plans fall through?
Pros of this job: £££ for travel, food and clothing, feeling secure, resume, wonderful relationships, break from Uni life
Pros of the class: great topic, awesome discussion, great for thought, philosophical, gets me thinking
I’m kind of floundering here. I’ve gotten nothing done today because my mind has been filled with this problem. I’m feeling afraid that I won’t feel like I have enough money to feed myself and to go traveling like I’d wanted to. I’m worried I’ll never leave my room now and that SAD will get the best of me in the upcoming dark months. I know it’s not so serious as all that, I get a food stipend from my school and my parents will pay for whatever it is as long as I’m happy and healthy. I know all these things but I’m just feeling at a loss right now. I’ve thought of just sucking it up and emailing the mother and telling her I cannot keep the job, suffering the major embarrassment (I’ve also borrowed something of hers so I’ll have to see them again :/) and devoting time I’d have used for the job to writing a book.
Basicaly I’m suffering from an existential crisis here. I’m feeling a bit lost with what I’m doing with my life. Maybe I’m looking too far into the future and focusing too much on the present at the same time. There must be something good that will come out of not being able to have this job, I’m just not sure what it is. Maybe it’s time to write the book I’ve been saying I was going to write for the past couple years.
Reality Check: even if I’d made £90 extra a week, I probably wouldn’t have that much time to go traveling anyhow and I probably also wouldn’t have felt good about spending that much extra money on food/eating out/shopping anyhow. I never do.
Sometimes when I’m walking down the street, I get so stuck in my head I forget to look at one of my most favorite sights, where the rooftops meet the sky and the architecture and nature around me. I look down and my forehead is probably furrowed in thought. When I remember, I look up, and see how many opportunities and differences there are around me. I think this might be one of those times to look up.
I’ll leave you all with some pictures since this has been somewhat of a word heavy post. Also, if you’re more into the food/travel/pictures thing, check out my earlier post!
Look up!
I know what you’re thinking.
“Oh no, Hannah’s had a relapse”
“Going abroad was no good for her, I knew anorexia’d get the better of her!”
“She’s been faking it all along, what a shame”
On the contrary, my good people, I’m doing fine. The only thing taking a beating here is my dignity and my productivity.
Let me explain.
I’m quite money conscious. To a point where I try to spend as *little* as possible and never buy things I don’t need if I can help it. This doesn’t just stem from a good frugality gene I may have inherited from my grandmother, but also from my eating disorder and the intense fear of guilt- shoppers/buyers guilt, the guilt of any sort of consumption and guilt for having something that might not be necessary. I feel the need to save my money for a rainy day, whenever that might be. If I’m honest, I have no idea what I’m saving for, but spending even £1 makes my head spin.
I knew spending the year in London, the city touted as one of the most expensive in the world, would put a dent even in my wallet if I didn’t have some way to combat the effects of higher prices. So what did I do?
I advertised online as a Nanny and low and behold, before I even set foot on British soil, I had two inquiries for a position quite near my Uni!
The prospects looked bright and before the first week was out, I’d had a phone call and an in person interview which had both gone well.
By the next week, I’d met the two cute little girls and signed a contract.
Enter choosing classes. I might mention that I did multiple permutations to try both to fulfill my major and to work around my job. I’d had success with this when BOOM–>chaos.
Not chaos, really, but they changed the seminar time for what happens to be the best class I’m taking; “Critical Theory and the Study of Religion.” Sure, I was upset, but they said if you couldn’t make that time, you could go to the Masters section. Fine. But then they rescheduled them both within an hour of each other, on the same day, on a day and during a time when I’m working. Not cool.
Not cool as in, now I’ll have to quit my job. Not only am I losing ££ here (£90 per week, to be exact), but I’m also embarrassed for having to quit after having gotten this far with this wonderful family and leaving the mother to have to begin her Nanny search over again. I suppose I could drop the class, because if I think about it, I’m really here for academics and not to work. Don’t you hate when plans fall through?
Pros of this job: £££ for travel, food and clothing, feeling secure, resume, wonderful relationships, break from Uni life
Pros of the class: great topic, awesome discussion, great for thought, philosophical, gets me thinking
I’m kind of floundering here. I’ve gotten nothing done today because my mind has been filled with this problem. I’m feeling afraid that I won’t feel like I have enough money to feed myself and to go traveling like I’d wanted to. I’m worried I’ll never leave my room now and that SAD will get the best of me in the upcoming dark months. I know it’s not so serious as all that, I get a food stipend from my school and my parents will pay for whatever it is as long as I’m happy and healthy. I know all these things but I’m just feeling at a loss right now. I’ve thought of just sucking it up and emailing the mother and telling her I cannot keep the job, suffering the major embarrassment (I’ve also borrowed something of hers so I’ll have to see them again :/) and devoting time I’d have used for the job to writing a book.
Basicaly I’m suffering from an existential crisis here. I’m feeling a bit lost with what I’m doing with my life. Maybe I’m looking too far into the future and focusing too much on the present at the same time. There must be something good that will come out of not being able to have this job, I’m just not sure what it is. Maybe it’s time to write the book I’ve been saying I was going to write for the past couple years.
Reality Check: even if I’d made £90 extra a week, I probably wouldn’t have that much time to go traveling anyhow and I probably also wouldn’t have felt good about spending that much extra money on food/eating out/shopping anyhow. I never do.
Sometimes when I’m walking down the street, I get so stuck in my head I forget to look at one of my most favorite sights, where the rooftops meet the sky and the architecture and nature around me. I look down and my forehead is probably furrowed in thought. When I remember, I look up, and see how many opportunities and differences there are around me. I think this might be one of those times to look up.
I’ll leave you all with some pictures since this has been somewhat of a word heavy post. Also, if you’re more into the food/travel/pictures thing, check out my earlier post!
Look up!
Love, Hannah