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Hankering for Harmony

Posted Aug 23 2008 3:20pm

As a Libra, I’ve spent most of my adult life searching for balance.

The challenge is that my “hardware” is wired to be “black-and-white” versus “gray,” and so my very existence contradicts my own zodiac sign.

And even though I am on a quest for a more gray existence , I’m not there yet. Baby steps, sure, but I’m admittedly not there yet.

Reading the newest issue of SELF at the gym this morning (with JLo on the cover looking smoking hot!), I came across an article where a woman’s father had given her the advice to basically stop seeking “balance” but rather look for harmony in life.

Harmony, what a concept. Not something I’d ever given much thought to, but something certainly worth pondering.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized her dad was right; we may never have true balance in our lives.

Our days will always be jam-packed with responsiblities, obligations and desires. It’s life. There will always be a kitchen floor to be mopped, a promotion to be sought after, pounds to lose, a new restaurant to try, a wedding to attend, family to tend to and a load of laundry to fold and iron … but in spite of it all, we can find peace–harmony–within the life we are living.

With the right attitude.

Applying this to my disordered eating situation, I can see that I have a more calmer attitude already towards the gym; I don’t beat myself up for it if I don’t work out every single day and I’m trying to learn to relish days off. Sometimes even succeeding!

I find myself still sometimes buying food I know I will chew-and-spit, but it’s not done in the urgent, agonizing manner it used to be. Rather it’s done with a calm sensation washing over me that I know full well what I am doing and that it’s a coping mechanism for anxiety.

I know that if I do it, when it’s over, I won’t hate myself–but I’m also not helping myself, either. That realization alone gives me peace.

And I have found some form of peace with my body. The past two weeks the scale has been in a (higher-than-usual) four pound range depending on the day.

Today, I saw a number I haven’t seen in like three months, which is of course alarming, especially since these are the two weeks I didn’t eat my Activity Points (something I’ve always done) in the hopes that I could spur a loss.

But I also know it could be anything: stress, didn’t drink enough water yesterday, whatever. The truth is, my clothes still fit great and today I feel (dare I say it) “thin” in a wrap dress and heels.

I say that’s peace right there, realizing I feel good in spite of the number.

Just some food for thought on this dreary Tuesday.

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