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From “Disordered” to “(Recovering) Disordered” to “Recovered Disordered”

Posted Mar 17 2011 10:12pm

My blog has gone through many changes in the nearly three years I’ve been writing ( click here for my first post !). While I’ve undergone many physical and emotional changes in that time, the title of this post expresses the surface changes. (And once I can figure out how to edit my darn blog’s custom header I will!)

What does it mean to be “recovered”? I used to question this all the time, and still do.

Let’s look at the facts:

-I’m not chewing/spitting.

-I’m not over-exercising.

-I’m not waking and, half-asleep, eating in the middle of the night.

Those were the methods of my madness, er, disorderedness.

They are in my past.

The truth is, I’m not thin right now and have pre-baby and baby weight to lose … but I’m not freaking. The weight will come off.

And I’m back on Weight Watchers post-baby … but not obsessing. I journal, but am living and enjoying food for what it is: nutrition, pleasure, comfort. Not something to be abused.

Yes, I still have a tumultuous relationship with food sometimes. I still emotionally eat from time to time (what woman doesn’t?!) And sure, sometimes I don’t make the best choices or eat mindlessly or anxiously… but that’s not necessarily disordered (as reader Lindsay noted in yesterday’s comments).

The bottom line is (and this is key!) I don’t have the disordered thoughts I once did. Given the fact that I’m not at my comfortable weight/size, or even close to it, this means a ton!

While it’s true that every now and then a fleeting thought will cross my mind, I don’t give in to said thoughts anymore (except for when it comes to impulse buys — which is also related to my clothes shopping habits , so it’s not just with food!) and, as I spoke of yesterday, BLTs . But for me, that’s more anxious behavior than disordered eating, I see now.

Which is why, on the whole, I’d say I’m “recovered.”

If I believed my recovery could potentially relapse … then maybe I wouldn’t feel confident in changing my blog’s title. But I honestly feel recovered, and want to embrace that.

It doesn’t mean I’m perfect or have found some miracle pill to cure me. It took two years of hard work and focus to get here … but I think changing my blog’s title, even though I’m still not quite sure the direction my blog will go , will be a positive step in the right direction.

And if I can give others hope that it can be done, all the better.

Bottom’s up … I’ll be toasting my new-found status with a skim chai latte from my favorite coffee shop :)

How about you? What are your thoughts on recovery? Does it exist, but only as a constant battle to stay afloat?

Dislaimer: I think recovery for someone like me (i.e., who, though exhibited many disordered behaviors, was never anorexic or bulimic) is possible. But I don’t claim any expertise in the realm of eating disorders. While I believe recovery is certainly possible for those individuals, I can’t speak to that and don’t want to mislead anyone. I realize medical and psychological intervention is often required for recovery.

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