A few decades ago the conventional wisdom when it came to raising our kids through difficult times was to pretend nothing was wrong. Today the weaknesses in this approach are obvious to most of us. The ‘wisdom’ of growing up with secrets—even innocuous ones such as money difficulties—has been fully debunked.
Yet the opposite approach, touted as healthy and helpful through the 80’s and 90’s, of sharing everything with our kids…all our feelings, skeletons and stresses, has some serious drawbacks. Children of all ages aren’t equipped to handle adult stresses. In fact, treating our kids as our best friends or confidants burdens them with worries we may not even see at first.
Several years ago I watched a special on the Oprah Show about divorce and it’s effect on families. The incredibly sad reality was that every child interviewed by author Gary Neuman said that neither parent had sat them down to assure them that this stressful situation was not their fault. Even the adults who were talking constantly with their children had missed this very important point. ‘This is not your fault, I will be ok…you don’t need to worry about me.’ This is the message that Gary Neuman says every child needs to hear during such a huge disruption.
I pray that no one reading this is wrestling with such a sad and stressful time. If you are, however, hopefully this strategy will give you some perspective in this truly tough time.
What I want to do today is challenge those of us handling even ‘just’ every-day struggles to extend these principles into our daily communications with our children. Whether our kids are still toddlers or getting closer to flying from the nest, I think that purposefully communicating with them eases stress. And as our kids grow into the teen years, these messages also models for them self-care and personal responsibility without preaching anything!
Message #1.
‘Sure, I have bad days…but I’m taking care of myself. You don’t have to worry about me, ok?
Follow up this verbal message with ACTION. It’s what we do that speaks loudest! So, just like with a good speech—tell our kids what we’re doing, then do it! Spend some time with a good friend sharing encouragement and ‘letting your hair down’ about your struggles!
Even my little girls know when Mommy takes some ‘me’ time. And my 17 year old hears that I’m getting good support and encouragement from my husband and others.
Message #2.
‘Life does go on even when we struggle through tough times.’
I come from a background of what I like to call ‘drama addiction’! In my childhood any personal conflict or job crisis my parents went through translated into a complete disruption of our lives! I brought this pattern into adult hood for a few years. For awhile there I didn’t know how to keep a steady routine running in my home no matter the crisis that comes up.
Today I’ve learned that making a priority of ‘normal life’ helps our kids feel safe and secure no matter how desperate or stressful we feel. This doesn’t only help our kids, it helps us refocus on what is truly important.
Is an argument with a family member a good reason to get our kids to school late? What about a worry over our bank balance or conflict with our boss? And let’s take this a step further. Even during BIG crisis—that dreaded call about a car accident or a health crisis—I believe that keeping to our healthiest routines can be a key to getting through truly terrible situations!
Message #3.
‘I am here for you, we’ll get through this together!’
Until we communicate Messages 1 and 2 our kids won’t be able to truly believe this message. When they’ve seen and heard that we’re caring for our own needs AND keeping life as steady as we can for all of us then they’ll trust us with their worries or concerns.
I’m sure many of you have had the experience of hearing an off-hand soul-deep comment from your kids while driving in the car or while they’re rushing out the door! These are great opportunities to assure them that we are here for them too…not just for our own feelings or the ‘big’ issues in our lives.
One of my struggles is getting so focused on my daily to-do list or the all important BIG PICTURE that I forget to slow down enough to truly speak to my kids hearts. The way I keep my own too-busy self in check is to make this message a central theme I purposefully focus on. For awhile there I jotted it right on my to-do list!
So now, instead of brushing past these heartfelt moments—sometimes disguised as a grouchy teenager or a tantruming toddler—I try to insert an empathetic message even as the world keeps turning and life moves on. It might sound silly at first, but I know my kids appreciate that I’ve heard their heart even when I must keep the wheels rolling!
Your turn…
How do you get your family through tough times? What do you tell you children about the stresses you face? What is your go-to resource for support and encouragement in a crisis?
A few decades ago the conventional wisdom when it came to raising our kids through difficult times was to pretend nothing was wrong. Today the weaknesses in this approach are obvious to most of us. The ‘wisdom’ of growing up with secrets—even innocuous ones such as money difficulties—has been fully debunked.
Yet the opposite approach, touted as healthy and helpful through the 80’s and 90’s, of sharing everything with our kids…all our feelings, skeletons and stresses, has some serious drawbacks. Children of all ages aren’t equipped to handle adult stresses. In fact, treating our kids as our best friends or confidants burdens them with worries we may not even see at first.
Several years ago I watched a special on the Oprah Show about divorce and it’s effect on families. The incredibly sad reality was that every child interviewed by author Gary Neuman said that neither parent had sat them down to assure them that this stressful situation was not their fault. Even the adults who were talking constantly with their children had missed this very important point. ‘This is not your fault, I will be ok…you don’t need to worry about me.’ This is the message that Gary Neuman says every child needs to hear during such a huge disruption.
I pray that no one reading this is wrestling with such a sad and stressful time. If you are, however, hopefully this strategy will give you some perspective in this truly tough time.
What I want to do today is challenge those of us handling even ‘just’ every-day struggles to extend these principles into our daily communications with our children. Whether our kids are still toddlers or getting closer to flying from the nest, I think that purposefully communicating with them eases stress. And as our kids grow into the teen years, these messages also models for them self-care and personal responsibility without preaching anything!
Message #1.
‘Sure, I have bad days…but I’m taking care of myself. You don’t have to worry about me, ok?
Follow up this verbal message with ACTION. It’s what we do that speaks loudest! So, just like with a good speech—tell our kids what we’re doing, then do it! Spend some time with a good friend sharing encouragement and ‘letting your hair down’ about your struggles!
Even my little girls know when Mommy takes some ‘me’ time. And my 17 year old hears that I’m getting good support and encouragement from my husband and others.
Message #2.
‘Life does go on even when we struggle through tough times.’
I come from a background of what I like to call ‘drama addiction’! In my childhood any personal conflict or job crisis my parents went through translated into a complete disruption of our lives! I brought this pattern into adult hood for a few years. For awhile there I didn’t know how to keep a steady routine running in my home no matter the crisis that comes up.
Today I’ve learned that making a priority of ‘normal life’ helps our kids feel safe and secure no matter how desperate or stressful we feel. This doesn’t only help our kids, it helps us refocus on what is truly important.
Is an argument with a family member a good reason to get our kids to school late? What about a worry over our bank balance or conflict with our boss? And let’s take this a step further. Even during BIG crisis—that dreaded call about a car accident or a health crisis—I believe that keeping to our healthiest routines can be a key to getting through truly terrible situations!
Message #3.
‘I am here for you, we’ll get through this together!’
Until we communicate Messages 1 and 2 our kids won’t be able to truly believe this message. When they’ve seen and heard that we’re caring for our own needs AND keeping life as steady as we can for all of us then they’ll trust us with their worries or concerns.
I’m sure many of you have had the experience of hearing an off-hand soul-deep comment from your kids while driving in the car or while they’re rushing out the door! These are great opportunities to assure them that we are here for them too…not just for our own feelings or the ‘big’ issues in our lives.
One of my struggles is getting so focused on my daily to-do list or the all important BIG PICTURE that I forget to slow down enough to truly speak to my kids hearts. The way I keep my own too-busy self in check is to make this message a central theme I purposefully focus on. For awhile there I jotted it right on my to-do list!
So now, instead of brushing past these heartfelt moments—sometimes disguised as a grouchy teenager or a tantruming toddler—I try to insert an empathetic message even as the world keeps turning and life moves on. It might sound silly at first, but I know my kids appreciate that I’ve heard their heart even when I must keep the wheels rolling!
Your turn…
How do you get your family through tough times? What do you tell you children about the stresses you face? What is your go-to resource for support and encouragement in a crisis?