On Monday afternoon I attended Edward's graduation ceremony. Having attended over 14 graduations (not including 5 of my own) I feel confident in saying that the William S. Richardson commencement was enjoyable, entertaining, and not too long. It helped that it was held in a beautiful ampitheater (SP) in Manoa and that the day was absolutely gorgeous. The guest speaker was Mari Matsuda an attorney, UH alum, and writer. I thought her speech was moving, thoughtful, and packed just enough controversy to wake everyone up.
One thing Matsuda mentioned several times was love. She talked about how parents feel when they look at their newborn baby...that their greatest wish is for this one being to be spared the inevitable pain and suffering that life brings. I have no child of my own but I feel this same way when I come into contact with humans or animals whose hearts are enormous, whose feelings are fragile. All I want, all I hope for is to be able to offer some comfort, consolation, or protection from this mad world. And when I can't do these things, the pain I feel is immense, my heart feels heavy and my stomach feels sick.
I know this blog is read by some friends but I have a feeling my readership is limited to Edward, Sean, Leng, Long, Angela, and maybe Jerome...thus, I will write freely.
I'm not a great writer thus when I come across words that so perfectly express what I feel but could never articulate, I tend to rely on them to put structure to my feelings. For instance, Bertrand Russell's description of love:
"Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a great ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair. I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy - ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness--that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined. This is what I sought, and though it might seem too good for human life, this is what--at last--I have found. I read this about three years ago and immediately copied it into my journal knowing that I would never have the talent to express so eloquently the way I have experienced love. Perhaps, it is more than just coincidental that the person I have loved more than any other being alive also shares a great appreciation for this depiction of the power of love.
But back to the graduation. On Monday as I sat and watched Edward's class leave law school behind, I felt so proud of him, so proud to know him, so amazed by what he has accomplished in just a few years that I felt my heart swelling with something between exhilaration and sickness. How is it possible to love someone this much? How is it possible that for this one person, I would give anything, fight until the very end? How does it happen that we can love this much, so much that it is overwhelming, so much that sometimes it is an out of control feeling where you don't know if you want to smile or cry?
I've hurt for my friends for as long as I can remember. I can't stand to have those close to me hurting. I want more than anything to offer comfort, to be someone they can count on. I want them to be happy. I have so much joy in seeing those close to me succeed, fall in love, find happiness. And when they hurt, I cry with them and alone I often cry for them.
I don't have a big family or a close family or even very many blood relatives who I feel any kind of bond with. I have a patient and strong mother who is the opposite from me in almost every way but whom I look to for guidance on how to deal with people, how to connect, how to be kind. I have an extremely strong and stoic father. I will never match my dad's generosity or his discipline. However, I hope that someday I can come close. I have a sister who is almost the exact opposite of me in terms of interests and lifestyle. However, we share an intense love for and loyalty to San Francisco. And we are strong, in different ways, but strong nonetheless. Strong for women, for Asian women, for women who were never properly taught how to grieve, how to suffer, how to connect to others.
And, I have a dog. I have a 50-something pound dog that I love more than I can express in words. He's one of my best friends and my true companion. It hurts me to even think that he ever experiences fear or worry, hunger or pain. I would throw my body over his to protect him from oncoming traffic. I would use my entire savings to take care of him. I didn't know it was possible to have this kind of connection with an animal, to love a little creature so much that once he entered my life I knew I could never again think of the world without him in it.
I also have friends. I know that some people may rank friends second to family but blood means little to me. My friends are my family. Those whom I hold close, I will always hold close. I've been bad at keeping in touch. I have a hard time returning calls. I even forget to email. But, not a day goes by where they aren't on my mind. I don't connect very closely with a lot of people but when I do, it's usually for the long term. All over the country, I have little groups of people who I long to be with more often, to laugh with, to have one more drink, one more night of madness.
Sometimes, though. There is nothing else you can do. All your resources are exhausted and you are tired to the bone. Life becomes narrow and your vision becomes unfocused. Sometimes it takes every bit of energy to get out the door and once your game face is on you can almost pretend that you really are okay. Sometimes, life becomes heavy, imposing, uncomfortable, you laugh and it doesn't sound natural, you close your eyes but never sleep. Sometimes you look in the mirror shocked to see that you don't look as ugly as you feel. Sometimes you are sure that it must be you who is so deficient and malfunctioned that you don't deserve the comfort, peace, and love that those around you experience on a daily basis.
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One thing Matsuda mentioned several times was love. She talked about how parents feel when they look at their newborn baby...that their greatest wish is for this one being to be spared the inevitable pain and suffering that life brings. I have no child of my own but I feel this same way when I come into contact with humans or animals whose hearts are enormous, whose feelings are fragile. All I want, all I hope for is to be able to offer some comfort, consolation, or protection from this mad world. And when I can't do these things, the pain I feel is immense, my heart feels heavy and my stomach feels sick.
I know this blog is read by some friends but I have a feeling my readership is limited to Edward, Sean, Leng, Long, Angela, and maybe Jerome...thus, I will write freely.
I'm not a great writer thus when I come across words that so perfectly express what I feel but could never articulate, I tend to rely on them to put structure to my feelings. For instance, Bertrand Russell's description of love:
"Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a great ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair.
I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy - ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness--that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined. This is what I sought, and though it might seem too good for human life, this is what--at last--I have found.
I read this about three years ago and immediately copied it into my journal knowing that I would never have the talent to express so eloquently the way I have experienced love. Perhaps, it is more than just coincidental that the person I have loved more than any other being alive also shares a great appreciation for this depiction of the power of love.
But back to the graduation. On Monday as I sat and watched Edward's class leave law school behind, I felt so proud of him, so proud to know him, so amazed by what he has accomplished in just a few years that I felt my heart swelling with something between exhilaration and sickness. How is it possible to love someone this much? How is it possible that for this one person, I would give anything, fight until the very end? How does it happen that we can love this much, so much that it is overwhelming, so much that sometimes it is an out of control feeling where you don't know if you want to smile or cry?
I've hurt for my friends for as long as I can remember. I can't stand to have those close to me hurting. I want more than anything to offer comfort, to be someone they can count on. I want them to be happy. I have so much joy in seeing those close to me succeed, fall in love, find happiness. And when they hurt, I cry with them and alone I often cry for them.
I don't have a big family or a close family or even very many blood relatives who I feel any kind of bond with. I have a patient and strong mother who is the opposite from me in almost every way but whom I look to for guidance on how to deal with people, how to connect, how to be kind. I have an extremely strong and stoic father. I will never match my dad's generosity or his discipline. However, I hope that someday I can come close. I have a sister who is almost the exact opposite of me in terms of interests and lifestyle. However, we share an intense love for and loyalty to San Francisco. And we are strong, in different ways, but strong nonetheless. Strong for women, for Asian women, for women who were never properly taught how to grieve, how to suffer, how to connect to others.
And, I have a dog. I have a 50-something pound dog that I love more than I can express in words. He's one of my best friends and my true companion. It hurts me to even think that he ever experiences fear or worry, hunger or pain. I would throw my body over his to protect him from oncoming traffic. I would use my entire savings to take care of him. I didn't know it was possible to have this kind of connection with an animal, to love a little creature so much that once he entered my life I knew I could never again think of the world without him in it.
I also have friends. I know that some people may rank friends second to family but blood means little to me. My friends are my family. Those whom I hold close, I will always hold close. I've been bad at keeping in touch. I have a hard time returning calls. I even forget to email. But, not a day goes by where they aren't on my mind. I don't connect very closely with a lot of people but when I do, it's usually for the long term. All over the country, I have little groups of people who I long to be with more often, to laugh with, to have one more drink, one more night of madness.
Sometimes, though. There is nothing else you can do. All your resources are exhausted and you are tired to the bone. Life becomes narrow and your vision becomes unfocused. Sometimes it takes every bit of energy to get out the door and once your game face is on you can almost pretend that you really are okay. Sometimes, life becomes heavy, imposing, uncomfortable, you laugh and it doesn't sound natural, you close your eyes but never sleep. Sometimes you look in the mirror shocked to see that you don't look as ugly as you feel. Sometimes you are sure that it must be you who is so deficient and malfunctioned that you don't deserve the comfort, peace, and love that those around you experience on a daily basis.