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Beta Phase

Posted Oct 15 2013 2:53am

Why I haven’t written mails to talk to all those of you who offered me a friendly ear:

Firstly, I tried to keep myself busy making plans for each and every second of the day to keep myself distracted from what hurt to much to think about. And then, secondly, Jay called yesterday. My heart skipped a beat. His voice was shaky. He wanted to talk. He didn’t want to throw it all away after all these years. And most importantly: he still loves me.

In the blog sphere there is a barrier of how much to share. I’ve always been afraid of letting things become to personal but given all the words of friendship and support from so many of you, I want to give you some insight into the situation.

It’s not all rainbows and butterflies. Though, truth be told, it pretty much feels like that right now. Behind us lies a time in which we haven’t always told each other the things that made us sad. We dealt with the sadness and the differences alone instead of figuring out if they were something we could solve together. We evolved at different rates as individuals and didn’t consider that sometimes time is needed to arrive at the same point. And we withdrew our feelings and open thoughts to some extent to save ourselves from being hurt. At the end it all had the contrary effect: two people hurt and miserable, in a relationship which none of them ever wanted to turn out like it did.

The only thing that felt even worse was separating. Talking about the flaws of our relationship and seeing them through the others eyes helped a lot. We don’t know if we can fix what we have, but we made the decision that we are willing to try and give ourselves a beta phase.

I promise that I’ll be back with a less serious topic tomorrow and beautiful pictures of delicious food. For now I am back at the study desk, giving the master thesis my undivided attention. Thank you all for sticking around and I am so happy about the great reactions regarding the new blog title. Self-hosting is an adventure I cannot wait to tackle.

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