Are you driven by desire? Or is it fear, or maybe shame, or maybe a bunch of “shoulds” that rule your world? It’s the middle of January and as you’re probably aware – or maybe even experienced yourself – this is right about the time that our grand plans for change, our New Years Resolutions, wear off.
This is not because you’re a loser or have no willpower or are a hopeless case. And I am not going to tell you that you just need to try harder, or have a better plan, in order to make it happen. I know how hard you already try (or you wouldn’t be here!). My piece of advice is much juicier than that!
Desire, my friend, may be your answer. The missing piece to the puzzle of how to reach your goals, express your dreams and create all those grand plans you have for your life.
First, let me just say, change is hard…every bone in your body, cell in your being, and neuron in your brain is wired to resist change, repeat the same old patterns and maintain the status quo (why this is so is another story, but for now, suffice it to say, it’s true. However it’s also true that our brains, our bodies and our beings are very capable of change as long as certain elements are in place).
Desire is one of those elements…the wind beneath your wings, the passion behind your dreams, the zest that allows change to happen. Without desire, your best laid plans, your smartest strategies, your biggest goals fall flat. Your plans, strategies and goals start to feel like a bunch of “shoulds” or “have to’s”- rather than “wants.” You begin to feel that “someone” is making you do the thing you said you were going to do – exercise, eat healthier, get organized, go to bed earlier – you feel burdened, and then YOU REBEL.
Here’s my most recent encounter with rebelling against myself: I made a commitment to practice yoga 4-5 x a week for 30 days. I cut myself some slack and told myself it could be any amount of yoga, from 10 minutes to an hour or more. I just wanted to create a new habit, new neurons, new pathways in my body and my brain. And most of all, I wanted to feel the deliciousness, groundedness, and peace I always experience from yoga.
The first week was great – yoga 4 times! The second week, I found myself in the old, familiar place of resisting. I didn’t have time. I was tired. I had other things to do. I put it off. I made all kinds of “really good” excuses, and at the same time, was completely aware that I was letting myself down. I began to criticize myself, “What is WRONG with you? Why can’t you commit to ANYTHING?”…and worse.
Then it hit me: Yoga was beginning to feel like a big old burden…ONE MORE THING I HAD TO DO! And I was rebelling (kind of like I did when I was a teen, only this time I was rebelling against myself, not my mother!). This yoga, which started out as a deep desire to experience more groundedness, centeredness and inner peace, began to feel like a “have to,” a “should” – as if some bully was “making me” do it!
(This is when most of us throw in the towel and say “screw it.”)
As soon as I became aware of this, I reconnected with the desire. I reminded myself that I wanted this and was doing it for no one else but myself. Guess what? I was on the mat that very day.
I share this with you because my guess is, you too, may have felt yourself sabotaging yourself, holding yourself back from something you really want. Today’s a new day.
Don’t go pushing yourself to exercise, or get back on that great diet plan, or follow some other brilliant strategy. Not just yet.
First, if you have an inner bully or a “pusher” or “should-er” – a part of you who lays on the pressure – get to know her a bit. Where did this voice come from? Who in your life needed you to be a certain way or had high expectations? Who are you really rebelling against?
Second, re-evaluate your goal. Is this something YOU really, truly want or is it something that feels more like a “should”? Exercise is a good example. “I should exercise” feels like a burden. “I want to move my body and get stronger” feels like a gift. How can you re-shape your goal to feel more like a gift to yourself?
And finally, before you start any “plan,” reconnect with your deepest desire. Why do you want this thing? What will you feel like when you have it? How do you want to feel? Hold that feeling in your mind when your inner bully tries to take the fun, the yumminess, and the juice out of your life.
And please, share your insights and ideas with me here on the blog! I’d LOVE to hear how you sabotage yourself and how you support yourself. I’d love to know what desires you’ll be honoring within yourself this year!
Want to use this article in your next newsletter or on your website? You have my permission as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Karen Schachter is a psychology of eating expert who is committing to helping women and girls develop positive relationships to food and their bodies. Ready to feel inspired and nourished? Get your FREE tips now at www.dishingwithyourdaughters.com
Are you driven by desire? Or is it fear, or maybe shame, or maybe a bunch of “shoulds” that rule your world? It’s the middle of January and as you’re probably aware – or maybe even experienced yourself – this is right about the time that our grand plans for change, our New Years Resolutions, wear off.
This is not because you’re a loser or have no willpower or are a hopeless case. And I am not going to tell you that you just need to try harder, or have a better plan, in order to make it happen. I know how hard you already try (or you wouldn’t be here!). My piece of advice is much juicier than that!
Desire, my friend, may be your answer. The missing piece to the puzzle of how to reach your goals, express your dreams and create all those grand plans you have for your life.
First, let me just say, change is hard…every bone in your body, cell in your being, and neuron in your brain is wired to resist change, repeat the same old patterns and maintain the status quo (why this is so is another story, but for now, suffice it to say, it’s true. However it’s also true that our brains, our bodies and our beings are very capable of change as long as certain elements are in place).
Desire is one of those elements…the wind beneath your wings, the passion behind your dreams, the zest that allows change to happen. Without desire, your best laid plans, your smartest strategies, your biggest goals fall flat. Your plans, strategies and goals start to feel like a bunch of “shoulds” or “have to’s”- rather than “wants.” You begin to feel that “someone” is making you do the thing you said you were going to do – exercise, eat healthier, get organized, go to bed earlier – you feel burdened, and then YOU REBEL.
Here’s my most recent encounter with rebelling against myself: I made a commitment to practice yoga 4-5 x a week for 30 days. I cut myself some slack and told myself it could be any amount of yoga, from 10 minutes to an hour or more. I just wanted to create a new habit, new neurons, new pathways in my body and my brain. And most of all, I wanted to feel the deliciousness, groundedness, and peace I always experience from yoga.
The first week was great – yoga 4 times! The second week, I found myself in the old, familiar place of resisting. I didn’t have time. I was tired. I had other things to do. I put it off. I made all kinds of “really good” excuses, and at the same time, was completely aware that I was letting myself down. I began to criticize myself, “What is WRONG with you? Why can’t you commit to ANYTHING?”…and worse.
Then it hit me: Yoga was beginning to feel like a big old burden…ONE MORE THING I HAD TO DO! And I was rebelling (kind of like I did when I was a teen, only this time I was rebelling against myself, not my mother!). This yoga, which started out as a deep desire to experience more groundedness, centeredness and inner peace, began to feel like a “have to,” a “should” – as if some bully was “making me” do it!
(This is when most of us throw in the towel and say “screw it.”)
As soon as I became aware of this, I reconnected with the desire. I reminded myself that I wanted this and was doing it for no one else but myself. Guess what? I was on the mat that very day.
I share this with you because my guess is, you too, may have felt yourself sabotaging yourself, holding yourself back from something you really want. Today’s a new day.
Don’t go pushing yourself to exercise, or get back on that great diet plan, or follow some other brilliant strategy. Not just yet.
First, if you have an inner bully or a “pusher” or “should-er” – a part of you who lays on the pressure – get to know her a bit. Where did this voice come from? Who in your life needed you to be a certain way or had high expectations? Who are you really rebelling against?
Second, re-evaluate your goal. Is this something YOU really, truly want or is it something that feels more like a “should”? Exercise is a good example. “I should exercise” feels like a burden. “I want to move my body and get stronger” feels like a gift. How can you re-shape your goal to feel more like a gift to yourself?
And finally, before you start any “plan,” reconnect with your deepest desire. Why do you want this thing? What will you feel like when you have it? How do you want to feel? Hold that feeling in your mind when your inner bully tries to take the fun, the yumminess, and the juice out of your life.
And please, share your insights and ideas with me here on the blog! I’d LOVE to hear how you sabotage yourself and how you support yourself. I’d love to know what desires you’ll be honoring within yourself this year!
Want to use this article in your next newsletter or on your website? You have my permission as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Karen Schachter is a psychology of eating expert who is committing to helping women and girls develop positive relationships to food and their bodies. Ready to feel inspired and nourished? Get your FREE tips now at www.dishingwithyourdaughters.com