I found out I was pregnant!!
Though our best friends and family knew right away, I didn’t
share the news here on the blog until the end of June and didn’t share the news on Facebook until late July, when I began to pook out.
It wasn’t that we didn’t
want to share our good news — believe me, we did! — but given all we were going through with (unelective) prenatal testing, it just didn’t seem wise.
We didn’t know what was going to happen … if I’d lose the baby, if we’d be in an impossible position of making a decision about the future of our baby, or if things would go swimmingly.
We were very much in a holding pattern for the first and most of the second trimesters.
It was an excruciating nine months, to be honest … and I couldn’t share what I was feeling on the blog at the time (for obvious reasons). Our friends and family were all wonderful, but it was hard to process it all back then and I certainly wasn’t in any condition to blog about it. I was completely and utterly consumed and just couldn’t blog about specifics, being so entrenched in it.
Now that I am able to look back on it (and hold her in my arms!) it seems less daunting to talk about … And I guess I feel like by sharing my story, it might help other women who might go through something similar … and at the very least, I can record a blow-by-blow account for myself someday!
Every parent wishes for a healthy baby, and in all honesty, I had never planned on doing prenatal testing — elective or otherwise. We listened as my OB explained what was out there at our first prenatal appointment and stuffed the pamphlets in my purse, thinking this was something “other” people do — women who are high-risk or have external factors that might warrant testing such as “mature age” or health issues. I had neither, so I didn’t think twice about it.
After we talked, he went about the exam and then at the end came the part I’d been waiting for: hearing the heartbeat. He put some goo on my belly and waved the Doppler, waiting to hear that helicopter-like sound of the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. We waited … and waited … and didn’t hear anything.
Having known what that could mean, naturally, I feared the worst. My OB was comforting though and explained this isn’t terribly uncommon at ten weeks; sometimes it’s just too soon to hear a strong heartbeat.
I wasn’t convinced. Because it was a holiday weekend (Memorial Day) and because I was so visibly panic-stricken, he wanted to make sure things were OK — so he ordered an ultrasound for first thing the next day.
At the ultrasound, everything seemed fine –we heard the baby’s little heartbeat strong and loud (a-ma-zing!) and saw it moving on the screen. It looked like two dots connected with little things sticking out (arms/legs). It might have been the size of a raisin at that point, but it was in there, tucked safe and sound and swimming … and it was ours. A piece of us.
The connection I felt was surprisingly instantaneous. Before that moment, the pregnancy had seemed surreal, intangible even. I didn’t have any morning sickness and hadn’t gained any weight yet — two physical symptoms — so this confirmed that life was, indeed, growing inside of me.
My husband and I squeezed hands and just marveled at the little bean on the screen. We walked out, holding a print-out, and emailed it to our families.
Then about two hours later, everything changed when my OB called with official results from the ultrasound. I just knew something was wrong from the tone of his voice … which was soothing and calm, but tinged with bad news.
It turns out they saw what’s called “increased nuchal translucency,” which is essentially excess fluid at the back of the baby’s neck and can be associated with Down’s Syndrome and a few other genetic conditions — including several fatal ones which often result in termination.
The “T” word. I’ve always been pro-choice, but I had just seen my baby swimming and heard its heartbeat. All of a sudden, I didn’t know which way was up … or what we’d do if faced with that decision. M
To say my heart fell would be an understatement. I was downright hysterical. All the joy we felt merely hours before was erased in one fell swoop.
Suddenly fear and anxiety gripped me. I began Googling “increased nuchal translucency” like crazy and posting on BabyCenter for advice and emotionally eating, but I didn’t care. I was a mess. My husband tried to ensure me everything would be OK and that we needed to have faith, but I had my doubts. It was just hard to breathe, let alone think of all the possibilities.
After an agonizing week, I went back for another ultrasound and sure enough, the measurement was still too high … which led my doctor to send us to a genetic counselor in the hospital’s perinatology unit (who was great, BTW). He also ordered a nuchal translucency scan for later that week (an ultrasound that looks specifically measures nuchal translucency and therefore is more accurate than a regular ultrasound).
We did that, and because the measurements were still above normal, the next recommendation was to see a special perinatologist in Grand Rapids, Mich., who would do a test called CVS ( chorionic villi sampling ). This procedure, which removes villi from the placenta, tests for chromosomal abnormalities and can only be done between weeks 10 and 12 of pregnancy … and, depending on the results, we could be in a very difficult situation.
I was 11 weeks along, so we had to move quickly.
Though I’d read it is an uncomfortable but not particularly painful procedure, I didn’t know quite what to expect … but I found CVS to be both uncomfortable and painful — mostly because it’s an incredibly invasive procedure that has to be done with a full bladder … so imagine the sensation of a Pap smear with a full, pregnant bladder while the ultrasound person is pushing down on your belly — for like 10 minutes.
It was hell. I couldn’t watch what was happening on the screen; I was shaking too much and I squeezed my husband’s hand so hard it nearly broke — no joke.
And because they didn’t get enough cells to sample the first time (mostly due to me shaking and being so tense), they had to do it again. I seriously was hysterical the whole time. I’m pretty sure this isn’t the case for most women (and some doctors will do it through the belly like amniocentesis) but for me, it was horrific and something I’d never want to go through again.
After it was over and I’d calmed down to a whimper, seeing the test tube full of little red squiggles — cells from my placenta — I felt a sense of relief, knowing this part, at least, was over.
Then it was time to wait some more. For two days we were on edge, plotting, planning, thinking, wondering.
The preliminary results came back within two days, and I was beyond relieved to find out I tested negative for the four primary chromosomal abnormalities CVS tests for: Trisomy 13, Trisomy 18, Down’s Syndrome and Turner’s Syndrome).
Because CVS tests the baby’s DNA (Turner’s Syndrome, for example, is a female genetic disease), we were able to know the sex as early as 12 weeks — and that’s when we knew it was a girl. 
We were relieved to know what conditions we could eliminate, but only slightly … the full panel (which tests for many more than just those four abnormalities) wouldn’t be ready for a week. So there was more waiting.
When that came back negative, too, my perinatologist was pleased, but perplexed — and said he’s had this happen to several couples recently (a false positive NT scan, a negative CVS test).
But though he was now optimistic, he said we weren’t completely out of the woods just yet and explained that sometimes increased nuchal translucency can mean a heart defect or neural tube defects. So we set up a fetal echo the day of my 20-week anatomy scan (when people usually find out the sex) and also did a screening for neural tube defects (I honestly don’t remember if that was another ultrasound or not?).
We waited another eight weeks and Maya grew and the nuchal translucency measurement was suddenly back to a normal range. Hmmm … !
Both the fetal echo and neural tube defect screening went fine … as did subsequent ultrasounds. (I also tested negative for strep B and gestational diabetes, two things pregnant women are routinely tested for).
Then at 32 weeks we discovered something totally irrelevant to the testing we’d been through: the cord was wrapped around her neck and she was measuring on the “small side of normal”
I honestly couldn’t believe it … the hits just kept on coming! No one could believe there was even more drama to contend with. It was as though we had a sign on us that read, “Kick Me.”
Given everything we’d already been through, these two things combined were essentially a prescription for a C-section, unless the cord miraculously unraveled on its own, which neither my perinatologist or OB were optimistic would happen at that stage in my pregnancy. (Note: Babies are born all the time with the cord around their neck but it’s risky and knowing it ahead of time, and coupled with other circumstances, my doctors wanted to mitigate any potential risk, which is why they pushed for the C-section and I didn’t push back).
So this lovely nuchal cord situation led to biweekly nonstress tests to check on her heartbeat (to make sure blood is circulating properly) — which led to frightening moments when she didn’t pass some days and needed another ultrasound to get a passing “grade” or I couldn’t be released) … those were some stressful days, let me just tell you!
At my 36-week appointment, Maya was still measuring small and the cord was still around her neck so, with the recommendations of my OB and perinatologist, we made the decision to go ahead with a scheduled C-section on December 18 , the last possible day of the 39th week (as my doctor wouldn’t let me go past my due date of December 19).
Those last four weeks I was afraid of doing anything that could induce labor and tried to take it easy … and, as a result, couldn’t really enjoy the tail end of my pregnancy. On the plus side, at this point I was having weekly OB visits coupled with biweekly nonstress tests, so I was able to hear her heartbeat three times a week for the last four weeks of my pregnancy … which was definitely reassuring.
Finally, at 9:02 AM, December 18, a beautiful and healthy (and not-too-small!) Maya was born … and all was finally right in the world.
We still don’t know if the nuchal translucency measurements were off from the beginning … or if by some miracle corrected themselves in the womb. We don’t know if they only saw something because I’d had an ultrasound so early on … or if it was just a complete fluke of nature. We just don’t know.
All I know is I had WAY more prenatal testing and prenatal care than anyone I know, and it had its pluses and minuses.
On the one hand, I could feel confident in knowing I was getting excellent care and knew what conditions and abnormalities we could cross off … but at the same time, it was an extremely stressful pregnancy from the start and I never got to truly enjoy it … I spent much of it researching and worrying about “what ifs” that never came to be … that I’d never have even thought about, had I not needed all the testing. And, in the end, Maya’s increased nuchal translucency at 10 weeks — what started the ball rolling in the first place –ended up being a false positive.
That said, realizing that I had SO much monitoring during this pregnancy honestly think I’d freak out the next time around without that reassurance … and it’s something I struggle with. Would I do it all again the same way next time, under “normal” circumstances? I just don’t know, though I’m pretty sure I’d skip CVS.
At my 6-week checkup, my OB said he would completely understand if I wanted elective prenatal testing in my next pregnancy, but he retired at the end of April, so it’s not like he’ll be delivering my next baby anyway.
I know I have plenty of time to think about it, but this does weigh on me … I don’t regret a second of what we went through … it was definitely a character-building experience to say the least. I learned a lot about myself and how I handle extreme stress and anxiety — and how we handled it as a couple. We’re stronger because of it, and a little wiser, too.
And the fact that Maya is here and healthy and thriving is, ultimately, all that matters.
But it was definitely a challenging time, filled with a lot of unnecessary stress.
Summing up this ridiculously long post …
A year ago today, I saw a big fat positive (BFP in preggo-speak).
For the next nine months, I stressed and worried and freaked out and wondered.
But today, I can hold my little girl in my arms and whisper how much I love her and how I’d do anything for her.
And that, my friends, is nothing short of a miracle.
I feel like the luckiest girl alive.
How about you? What are your thoughts on prenatal testing? A blessing or a curse?
I found out I was pregnant!!
Though our best friends and family knew right away, I didn’t share the news here on the blog until the end of June and didn’t share the news on Facebook until late July, when I began to pook out. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to share our good news — believe me, we did! — but given all we were going through with (unelective) prenatal testing, it just didn’t seem wise. We didn’t know what was going to happen … if I’d lose the baby, if we’d be in an impossible position of making a decision about the future of our baby, or if things would go swimmingly. We were very much in a holding pattern for the first and most of the second trimesters. It was an excruciating nine months, to be honest … and I couldn’t share what I was feeling on the blog at the time (for obvious reasons). Our friends and family were all wonderful, but it was hard to process it all back then and I certainly wasn’t in any condition to blog about it. I was completely and utterly consumed and just couldn’t blog about specifics, being so entrenched in it. Now that I am able to look back on it (and hold her in my arms!) it seems less daunting to talk about … And I guess I feel like by sharing my story, it might help other women who might go through something similar … and at the very least, I can record a blow-by-blow account for myself someday! Every parent wishes for a healthy baby, and in all honesty, I had never planned on doing prenatal testing — elective or otherwise. We listened as my OB explained what was out there at our first prenatal appointment and stuffed the pamphlets in my purse, thinking this was something “other” people do — women who are high-risk or have external factors that might warrant testing such as “mature age” or health issues. I had neither, so I didn’t think twice about it. After we talked, he went about the exam and then at the end came the part I’d been waiting for: hearing the heartbeat. He put some goo on my belly and waved the Doppler, waiting to hear that helicopter-like sound of the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. We waited … and waited … and didn’t hear anything. Having known what that could mean, naturally, I feared the worst. My OB was comforting though and explained this isn’t terribly uncommon at ten weeks; sometimes it’s just too soon to hear a strong heartbeat. I wasn’t convinced. Because it was a holiday weekend (Memorial Day) and because I was so visibly panic-stricken, he wanted to make sure things were OK — so he ordered an ultrasound for first thing the next day. At the ultrasound, everything seemed fine –we heard the baby’s little heartbeat strong and loud (a-ma-zing!) and saw it moving on the screen. It looked like two dots connected with little things sticking out (arms/legs). It might have been the size of a raisin at that point, but it was in there, tucked safe and sound and swimming … and it was ours. A piece of us. The connection I felt was surprisingly instantaneous. Before that moment, the pregnancy had seemed surreal, intangible even. I didn’t have any morning sickness and hadn’t gained any weight yet — two physical symptoms — so this confirmed that life was, indeed, growing inside of me. My husband and I squeezed hands and just marveled at the little bean on the screen. We walked out, holding a print-out, and emailed it to our families. Then about two hours later, everything changed when my OB called with official results from the ultrasound. I just knew something was wrong from the tone of his voice … which was soothing and calm, but tinged with bad news.It turns out they saw what’s called “increased nuchal translucency,” which is essentially excess fluid at the back of the baby’s neck and can be associated with Down’s Syndrome and a few other genetic conditions — including several fatal ones which often result in termination.
The “T” word. I’ve always been pro-choice, but I had just seen my baby swimming and heard its heartbeat. All of a sudden, I didn’t know which way was up … or what we’d do if faced with that decision. M
To say my heart fell would be an understatement. I was downright hysterical. All the joy we felt merely hours before was erased in one fell swoop.
Suddenly fear and anxiety gripped me. I began Googling “increased nuchal translucency” like crazy and posting on BabyCenter for advice and emotionally eating, but I didn’t care. I was a mess. My husband tried to ensure me everything would be OK and that we needed to have faith, but I had my doubts. It was just hard to breathe, let alone think of all the possibilities.
After an agonizing week, I went back for another ultrasound and sure enough, the measurement was still too high … which led my doctor to send us to a genetic counselor in the hospital’s perinatology unit (who was great, BTW). He also ordered a nuchal translucency scan for later that week (an ultrasound that looks specifically measures nuchal translucency and therefore is more accurate than a regular ultrasound).
We did that, and because the measurements were still above normal, the next recommendation was to see a special perinatologist in Grand Rapids, Mich., who would do a test called CVS ( chorionic villi sampling ). This procedure, which removes villi from the placenta, tests for chromosomal abnormalities and can only be done between weeks 10 and 12 of pregnancy … and, depending on the results, we could be in a very difficult situation.
I was 11 weeks along, so we had to move quickly.
Though I’d read it is an uncomfortable but not particularly painful procedure, I didn’t know quite what to expect … but I found CVS to be both uncomfortable and painful — mostly because it’s an incredibly invasive procedure that has to be done with a full bladder … so imagine the sensation of a Pap smear with a full, pregnant bladder while the ultrasound person is pushing down on your belly — for like 10 minutes.
It was hell. I couldn’t watch what was happening on the screen; I was shaking too much and I squeezed my husband’s hand so hard it nearly broke — no joke.
And because they didn’t get enough cells to sample the first time (mostly due to me shaking and being so tense), they had to do it again. I seriously was hysterical the whole time. I’m pretty sure this isn’t the case for most women (and some doctors will do it through the belly like amniocentesis) but for me, it was horrific and something I’d never want to go through again.
After it was over and I’d calmed down to a whimper, seeing the test tube full of little red squiggles — cells from my placenta — I felt a sense of relief, knowing this part, at least, was over.
Then it was time to wait some more. For two days we were on edge, plotting, planning, thinking, wondering.
The preliminary results came back within two days, and I was beyond relieved to find out I tested negative for the four primary chromosomal abnormalities CVS tests for: Trisomy 13, Trisomy 18, Down’s Syndrome and Turner’s Syndrome).
Because CVS tests the baby’s DNA (Turner’s Syndrome, for example, is a female genetic disease), we were able to know the sex as early as 12 weeks — and that’s when we knew it was a girl.
We were relieved to know what conditions we could eliminate, but only slightly … the full panel (which tests for many more than just those four abnormalities) wouldn’t be ready for a week. So there was more waiting.
When that came back negative, too, my perinatologist was pleased, but perplexed — and said he’s had this happen to several couples recently (a false positive NT scan, a negative CVS test).
But though he was now optimistic, he said we weren’t completely out of the woods just yet and explained that sometimes increased nuchal translucency can mean a heart defect or neural tube defects. So we set up a fetal echo the day of my 20-week anatomy scan (when people usually find out the sex) and also did a screening for neural tube defects (I honestly don’t remember if that was another ultrasound or not?).
We waited another eight weeks and Maya grew and the nuchal translucency measurement was suddenly back to a normal range. Hmmm … !
Both the fetal echo and neural tube defect screening went fine … as did subsequent ultrasounds. (I also tested negative for strep B and gestational diabetes, two things pregnant women are routinely tested for).
Then at 32 weeks we discovered something totally irrelevant to the testing we’d been through: the cord was wrapped around her neck and she was measuring on the “small side of normal”
I honestly couldn’t believe it … the hits just kept on coming! No one could believe there was even more drama to contend with. It was as though we had a sign on us that read, “Kick Me.”
Given everything we’d already been through, these two things combined were essentially a prescription for a C-section, unless the cord miraculously unraveled on its own, which neither my perinatologist or OB were optimistic would happen at that stage in my pregnancy. (Note: Babies are born all the time with the cord around their neck but it’s risky and knowing it ahead of time, and coupled with other circumstances, my doctors wanted to mitigate any potential risk, which is why they pushed for the C-section and I didn’t push back).
So this lovely nuchal cord situation led to biweekly nonstress tests to check on her heartbeat (to make sure blood is circulating properly) — which led to frightening moments when she didn’t pass some days and needed another ultrasound to get a passing “grade” or I couldn’t be released) … those were some stressful days, let me just tell you!
At my 36-week appointment, Maya was still measuring small and the cord was still around her neck so, with the recommendations of my OB and perinatologist, we made the decision to go ahead with a scheduled C-section on December 18 , the last possible day of the 39th week (as my doctor wouldn’t let me go past my due date of December 19).
Those last four weeks I was afraid of doing anything that could induce labor and tried to take it easy … and, as a result, couldn’t really enjoy the tail end of my pregnancy. On the plus side, at this point I was having weekly OB visits coupled with biweekly nonstress tests, so I was able to hear her heartbeat three times a week for the last four weeks of my pregnancy … which was definitely reassuring.
Finally, at 9:02 AM, December 18, a beautiful and healthy (and not-too-small!) Maya was born … and all was finally right in the world.
We still don’t know if the nuchal translucency measurements were off from the beginning … or if by some miracle corrected themselves in the womb. We don’t know if they only saw something because I’d had an ultrasound so early on … or if it was just a complete fluke of nature. We just don’t know.
All I know is I had WAY more prenatal testing and prenatal care than anyone I know, and it had its pluses and minuses.
On the one hand, I could feel confident in knowing I was getting excellent care and knew what conditions and abnormalities we could cross off … but at the same time, it was an extremely stressful pregnancy from the start and I never got to truly enjoy it … I spent much of it researching and worrying about “what ifs” that never came to be … that I’d never have even thought about, had I not needed all the testing. And, in the end, Maya’s increased nuchal translucency at 10 weeks — what started the ball rolling in the first place –ended up being a false positive.
That said, realizing that I had SO much monitoring during this pregnancy honestly think I’d freak out the next time around without that reassurance … and it’s something I struggle with. Would I do it all again the same way next time, under “normal” circumstances? I just don’t know, though I’m pretty sure I’d skip CVS.
At my 6-week checkup, my OB said he would completely understand if I wanted elective prenatal testing in my next pregnancy, but he retired at the end of April, so it’s not like he’ll be delivering my next baby anyway.
I know I have plenty of time to think about it, but this does weigh on me … I don’t regret a second of what we went through … it was definitely a character-building experience to say the least. I learned a lot about myself and how I handle extreme stress and anxiety — and how we handled it as a couple. We’re stronger because of it, and a little wiser, too.
And the fact that Maya is here and healthy and thriving is, ultimately, all that matters.
But it was definitely a challenging time, filled with a lot of unnecessary stress.
Summing up this ridiculously long post …
A year ago today, I saw a big fat positive (BFP in preggo-speak).
For the next nine months, I stressed and worried and freaked out and wondered.
But today, I can hold my little girl in my arms and whisper how much I love her and how I’d do anything for her.
And that, my friends, is nothing short of a miracle.
I feel like the luckiest girl alive.
How about you? What are your thoughts on prenatal testing? A blessing or a curse?