We will avoid discussing the no-shower, no-make-up choices for now.Or I am feeling OK, but am upset that my stomach was showing. ["Take another."] And then I see some photos and think, “Oh, Self, you look goooood.”
but the fact that I feel the need to take pictures of myself in public restrooms says something, doesn't it?
I just don’t know if we ever have a realistic picture of ourselves. We always seem to flash back to a point, or a picture, or an event, where we felt judged or awkward about our bodies, and that is what we hold on to, rather than the times we felt great, or loved, or beautiful.
I was walking to the farmers market this weekend, and I saw this girl. She was a bigger girl, but she had amazing style. Style I covet. The scarves of an art teaching hipster crossed with a Texas cowgirl that you could take and put in a parlor in the Deep South and she might not blend in, but she would stand out in a way that made everyone stop and be slightly envious of her confidence. And like I said, she wasn’t what one might describe as ‘thin.’ And I caught myself thinking, “Why do I care so much about being thin anyway?” [Aside from the health aspects of course. And I do think I look better toned up. But that's not the point.]It was a weird moment for me.
I often see girls who weigh probably just slightly more than me, or a size or two bigger, and I think, “That. THAT is a beautiful body. THAT is the ideal.” (Whatever “the ideal” means.) And yet, when it comes to myself, I always see the acne-riddled (but, yes, super confident) middle schooler, or the pudgy girl with no fashion sense who never got asked to prom, or the girl who was bright and bubbly throughout college, but looks back on pictures and sees a rounder face, and fleshier arms.And I KNOW. I KNOW that’s not what I look like. OK, I’m totally rambling. I don’t even remember what your question was anymore. ————————- THE END. I had to write that because I clearly don’t sign my e-mails. I wish I could say I have a brilliant breakthrough to share with you, or could now promise that tomorrow I will post “The Secret To My New Body Confidence!!!!” with eighteen hundred exclamation points and a picture of me jumping on a beach somewhere with my arms outstretched and a Crest Strip smile lighting up my entire bikini-clad body, but I don’t. Instead, I just want to leave my thoughts out there, for whatever they are worth. And these thoughts led me to some other pretty awesome (in the literal sense…not the slang-for-supercool sense) thoughts and revelations that I think I’d like to share over the next few weeks, if you’re interested. [Or even if you aren't. ]