See? This is what happens when you put me on hold. And then don’t pick back up.
I have to put a Nutter Butter into a cookie and scarf down ten or so just to begin to cope with the emotional grief.
US Airways, we need to talk. When a very cute teenage girl calls you to confirm her reservation for her and her mother to go visit her very cute grandmother over Thanksgiving, DO NOT MAKE HER TALK TO A ROBOT. I don’t want to talk to your creepy auto robot lady. I want to talk to a human being.
Look. I know I’m going to get terrible customer service! I expect that. But am I not even worth having a human being treat me rudely? Are you really going to have a robot flip me off instead? Not cool, airline people. Not cool.
Cute Heroic Teenage Girl Protagonist: Hello, US Airways! I would like to confirm my reservation.
Creepy Evil Airline Robot Lady Antagonist: Are you sure you would like to cancel your flight?
Cute Heroic Teenage Girl Protagonist: Um, no. I would like to confirm a pre-existing reservation, please.
Creepy Evil Airline Robot Lady Antagonist: Could you repeat that?
Cute Heroic Teenage Girl Protagonist: I. would. like. to. confirm. a. reservation. I. ALREADY. MADE. Thank you.
Creepy Evil Airline Robot Lady Antagonist: Absolutely. I would be happy to transfer you to the luggage division.
Cute Heroic Teenage Girl Protagonist: I’m being attacked by alien grizzly bears.
Creepy Evil Airline Robot Lady Antagonist: Yes sir. Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this forty minute flute solo.
Do you know how long they kept me on hold for? Do you?!? FIVE HOURS. This is not okay. Plus, my speakerphone died a few hours in so I needed to switch to a phone I actually had to hold to my ear. In a mere twenty minutes, I was convinced my ear was going to fry off. Why do phones have to get so darn hot? But you wouldn’t know, would you? Because you’re too busy talking to a human being on your speakerphone.
So anyway, as midnight approaches, my reservation will not be held any longer, but I must confirm my reservation on the phone and not online. Panicked, my mother rushed off to the airport which is 40 minutes away in search of a human being and was tormented by the same flute solo the whole way while I listened, banging my hear repeatedly on the desk, back at home.
At 11:56, I had given up. I stuffed Nutter Butters in cookies to drown my sorrows and, as I was pulling them out of the oven, I heard something I thought I would never hear: the voice of a compassionate human soul at US Airways. Alleluia.
After briefly and passionately expressing my feelings of eureka, I tried to confirm my reservation with the lady only to hear that all the miles had been taken out of my account. Commencing cookie eating sequence.
Then the human lady, sounding surprised (yes, an emotion!), said my reservation had just been confirmed by someone else. I laughed, ate another cookie, and hung up.
After being on hold for so many hours, what are the odds my mother and I would both get a human being at the same time? And really, who cares?!? It’s over!
Moral of the story? When in doubt, eat a cookie and buy a private jet.
Nutter Butter Stuffed Chocolate Cookies
There are simply out of this world. A peanut butter cookie sandwich INSIDE a chocolate cookie? You really can’t go wrong. Per usual, you could definitely use store-bought Nutter Butters if you don’t want to go the homemade route, but you’d have to adjust the nutritional information accordingly.
In a small bowl, mix coconut flour, baking powder, and salt. Add in mashed banana or applesauce, molasses, and vanilla extract, and stir. Add in almond milk, one tablespoon until you have reached the perfect “doughy” consistency. Scoop a heaping tablespoon of the cookie dough on top of one of the Homemade Nutter Butters. Using your fingers, carefully smoosh the cookie dough down the sides of the Nutter Butter until it is completely covered, adding more dough as needed. Repeat with the remaining Nutter Butters and dough. Bake in the oven at 350F for 10-12 minutes, or until firm and let cool before scarfing them all down.
Just when you thought a Nutter Butter couldn’t get any better.