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Instagram #Truth

Posted Jun 09 2013 8:15am

In the middle of one of my Sunday Confessions posts , I said that “what you see on IG, might not actually BE,” and I was so proud of my rhyming skills that I needed to remind everyone of it*  so struck by the truth of that that I have decided to devote a whole confessional post to the truth behind (my) Instagram photos.

Or, as I like to call it, Instagram. Hashtag:* Truth.

*Did anyone else think of illegal drugs the first time they heard the word ‘hashtag’? And still feel weird saying it out loud in certain company? [Or that they say 'hashtag' out loud at all?]

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Where I’m housesitting doesn’t have internet, but it does have a small strawberry patch and chickens. I was so excited about cooking one of the eggs, especially once I cracked it and saw how GIANT the yolk was.

What you didn’t see was the fire alarm going off because I turned on the gas stove (which I’m not used to having) and the oil heated up so quickly, steam overtook the kitchen. Or me frantically waving a Whole Foods bag (the only paper I could find) underneath the fire alarm as my roommate received a very special wake-up call that morning.

Shockingly, the egg did not burn.

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Our school IS pretty cool, and we DO have locally made hummus on the hummus platter served in the cafeteria. A child DID give me her leftovers one day at school.

What I neglected to mention was I practically grabbed the container of leftovers out of her hands as she went to throw it away.

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This Panera You-Pick-Two meal of Garden Veggie Pesto (or something like that) soup and half Mediterranean Veggie sandwich did, in fact, cost me only $3.75 due to combining the remnants of a gift card with a $2.00 discount on MyPanera card.

I didn’t actually eat it that night. As happens a lot, I ended up deciding I wasn’t in the mood for it. Instead, I ate the veggies out of the sandwich as an appetizer, and ate the remains for lunch at school….two days later.

And, although that brown wood looks like a table…

Not so much.

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The second grade team at school set up an ice cream sundae bar in the middle of the front hall for teachers who would be staying late finishing up report cards. [Which I don't have to do. But free ice cream? I mean....]

said on Instagram that I needed to get home to some Lactaid before I could eat it.

In truth, I probably would have gone ahead and eaten it anyway if I wasn’t headed to yoga and worried about the reper-gas-sions that might occur.

#dairywary

By the time I got home, the gummy bears were gone, and it was a bit of a soupy mess. I stuck it in the freezer and ate it for dessert that night anyway.

Frozen whipped cream is amazing. Hidden, frozen maraschino cherries are too.

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I was so excited that the kids’ Garden Club at school had leftover radishes and onions–and scooped up as many as they could give me–that I forgot one minor detail.

I don’t actually like radishes very much.*

*Good thing I know Lindsey will do something super-creative with them.

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I was honest about the fact that after topping this mango Chobani with butter toffee almonds and carob covered raisins…

…I dumped Erewhon Buckwheat and Hemp Flakes cereal dust all over it.

What I didn’t say was I had been saving that cereal dust for at least a week  JUST the right yogurt mess. [I may or may not have even opened new boxes of cereal in the interim.] 

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I was not as honest with this Chobani.

As I’ve mentioned before I relish in making the best taglines and puns for my #cho bowls. So much so that the idea of saying “orange on orange” was so awesome to me, I felt like I needed to keep the yogurt in the container and not cover up the oranges and apricots.

Truth is, I rarely eat Chobani from its teeny container…because I usually have too much stuff to add to it. [It's also never that pretty.]

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It really did take the Whole Foods team members only about twelve seconds to convince me I should not only do the buy one, get one free deal on GT’s Kombucha , I should go ahead and buy a whole case to get an extra 10% off.

Did I mention I had set an alarm and made this One Day Deal a calendar event on my phone?

Or that I also decided this would be a great time to buy my second watermelon in less than a week?

two of each of these favorites...

Meaning I was trying to walk out of the store carrying the heaviest items I could possibly have purchased? [And for the very first time, accepted the offer of help from a team member taking it to my car.*]

*And apologized profusely for its state, pleading moving as an excuse.^

^Not true. It always looks like that.

the pink ladies

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And I know you’re all wondering about this:

Of COURSE I drank the pickle juice.

(And yes, I wanted more.)

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