Wasatch Brewery , the jalapeno one was my favorite.(I did expect that diet soda would still be my drink of choice. ) I didn’t expect to discover that of the beers I sampled at
or that i actually DO like beer. in very, very, VERY small amounts.
most people packed their zevia to take home. i finished mine within four hours.I didn’t expect to admit that not only am I now apparently a bread person, I might also be a (goat) cheese person, too.* *For my intestines’ sake, I will try to forget this experience. I definitely didn’t expect to STILL be sore four days following GPP workouts after which I thought, “Man, I didn’t even sweat,” and couldn’t even push myself as hard as Neil encouraged. And when I was packing my bag to go, I certainly didn’t expect that the shoes I’ve worn in Mexico, Costa Rica, and hiking in the Adirondacks* wouldn’t be coming home with me. *Which apparently is “all over the world,” according to hyperbolic me.
i did bring the pants home. i have not, however, yet washed them. oops.I also didn’t expect to take so few pictures.
or that they would apparently all be of hiking.But what I REALLY didn’t expect was to be hiking on the top of the mountain with a couple of people I’ve known for a year, and a couple who I’d known for only a day, and have one of them say to me the words that suddenly provided clarity and insight into issues I’ve been mulling over for months: “If food and fitness is all you felt like you had, no wonder you became so fixated.” You see, I’ve been getting really frustrated with myself. Regardless of it is makes sense or is ‘fair’, it is true. I’ve been frustrated that calorie counting became an obsession . That eating wasn’t easy any more. I’ve been frustrated that for a long time I lacked creativity and interest in cooking. (Without Meatless Mondays A-Z , there were some weeks I probably wouldn’t have even turned on the oven.) I’ve been frustrated that where running was such a joy , it has suddenly become something I feel like I need to do, have to do, and am scared NOT to do. Comments of encouragement–”You look great!” “How far did you go today?” “Your stride is so easy and beautiful!” “I can’t believe you can go so far!”--have turned into pressure. And I have been wondering: What happened to me? Just before I left for Blend, another blogger found– and posted about –my “Loser Like Me” post , where I listed all the ways in which I had pretty much failed in the healthy living blog world. As I was reminded of this post, and reread it, I couldn’t help but feel a little nostalgic for the girl who had written it. When did the lack of pressure on myself to ‘fit in’ or to do what ‘everyone’ said was right disappear? When did I lose my sense of balance?* *Goshdarnit, the balance beam was the only thing in gymnastics I was good at. When did I let healthy living take over my life? Despite being frustrated and self-aware, I wasn’t necessarily getting any better, more balanced, or more kind to, well, me. Then I went to Blend.
sadly i'm not actually IN this picture...silly flight times.I was surrounded by many women who inspire me in their levels of fitness, and their knowledge of health and wellness…
i am ever in awe of lindsay. (for so many reasons)…but who also inspire me in their confidence, beauty, grace… …and, most importantly, balance.
three of the most balanced women I know. (also, i am pretty sure this will become the poster photo for blend.)Up on that mountain (or maybe it was a hill?), everything, all of a sudden, clicked. Of course I let food and fitness take over. Because I felt like I had nothing else. Back in the fall, I was probably bordering on depression. I was uncertain about my job. I was bored. I was lonely. I lost my desire to blog. The confident girl I knew was slipping away, and I didn’t know where she went. Although I started seeing a counselor, and working to try and make changes to get me out of the mud I was stuck in, I was still missing. I was playing hide-and-seek, and I hid really well. So, when I heard those words on the mountain–“If you only have food and fitness, then of course it became a fixation.“–suddenly I realized that as I felt unhappy with the other parts of my life, I could immerse myself in counting my calories, spending hours alone making Nutty Butter on the weekends, and running as far as possible–occasionally just to avoid the fact that I didn’t have anything else to do–and not worry about what might be lacking everywhere else. But I need to bring the balance back. The confidence back. The ME back. And I will. I’m already on my way, making career changes , and geographical changes , and perspective changes.* *More on those to come. Blend was like a reset button. Although instead of starting over…I’m coming back. Ironically, the first comment on my first post about Blend 2013 was from my Blog Mama, Tricia , who said, “It’s good to see you again.” And although she meant–I think–actual pictures of me, in a way, she was right. There. I. Was. And it IS good to see me again.