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Fisher Price Monkeys

Posted Oct 07 2008 7:21pm

There has been talk in the press regarding New Labour's new invention in schools, the classroom assistant. There have even been stories of classroom assistants teaching classes on their own for many weeks in a row, and teaching subjects in which they have had no formal education. There have been complaints from both properly trained teachers and parents, as they fell that many children are being seriously short changed by this cost cutting dumbing down. One teacher was quoted as saying:

"Frankly I am appalled by this shoddy dumbing down that the government has instituted. Classroom assistants are simply not adequately trained for the tasks that they carry out in schools. Anyone teaching in schools should have to have a certain level of education and training that ensures they are capable of teaching at asufficientlyhigh standard."

Some proponents of the government's reform agenda argued that teacher's are arrogant to show such a superiority complex and that they should show more respect to these educational professionals. While some members of the union for educational professionals argued that no teachers are perfect and that classroom assistants can provide a valuable service.

It is lucky for the general public that New Labour has the Midas touch as far as policy making is concerned. Their policy is simply blessed in such a way that things like education, training and experience can be ignored; new 'professionals' can simply be trotted off the HMG production line with only a few weeks of inadequate training. These new 'professionals' can then miraculously do the jobs that were previously done by genuine professionals who had much more extensive amounts of education and training. New Labour really are to policy making what Paul Daniels is to magic.

It's fortunate that they have also had time to save the NHS, as well as increasing illiteracy and innumeracy to new record levels. The British public are lucky enough to have health care assistants instead of nurses, paramedic technicians instead of paramedics, emergency care practitioners and nurse practitioners or physicians assistants instead of doctors, and surgical nurse practitioners instead of surgeons. It would simply be arrogant to claim that less education, less training and less rigorous assessment makes these health care professionals any less safe or skilled than their predecessors.

It is rumoured that New Labour have a new health care professional waiting in the pipeline, it is called the 'fisher price monkey'. Department of Health representatives have set up a monkey training camp in darkest north east Africa, and it is believed that these monkeys will be let loose to diagnose and manage patients in the NHS after around 4 weeks of intensive competency based training with their fisher price stethoscopes. The DoH is keen to install the monkeys with electric shock devices that will be used to force the monkey to work for fewer bananas per hour.

The DoH has published the extensive list of competencies that these monkeys will have to fulfil, the monkeys will also magically be able to know when they are practising outside their field of competence; they have been trained to howl loudly for a doctor when their sphere of competency has been breached. Critics of the scheme claim the monkeys will be unsafe in their roles, however the DoH has comprehensively refuted this claim by surveying the monkeys for their opinion on this matter; the regulating bodies are also not concerned with the monkeys' command of the english language, as this will be left for the local employers to sort out.

New Labour: it's our best year ever, professional standards have never been set higher; get your private health insurance now, before it's too late.
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