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Transition Rut

Posted Aug 23 2008 3:19pm
Hello,I am 25, single and feel like i am stuck in a rut. Not too long ago I completed my 6 yr military contract, civilian now. Trying to recover from a broken heart as well. Anger, betrayal, resentment, cynicism and more. Everything seems and feels like a mess. Relationships, career, finance, education, Health (gained 40lbs). Not meeting my parents expectations. Feeling like a failure at everything. Single, looking for job, trying to finish college, and broke. I want to be able to help my family financially. My parents and family keep saying i should have a degree by now. I should be successful. Why am i single? Pretty much all my friends and family of my age are either married or have kids or in a committed long term relationship. I am trying to be optimistic that all things happens in time and do my best. But i feel like a complete failure at everything. I am having social anxiety as well and find myself daydreaming to escape. Just frustrated. Some seem to have it all.Music helps me feel better. I have mood swings of happiness throughout the day and most likely its a battle within mind but i feel lost. I want to be happy and stop feeling like i am not good enough. Somehow my optimism fades. I do try to be optimistic and hopeful.I recently moved from CA to MA all alone. I feel alone and everything is new at once. I feel like i think too much, over analyze everything and think about my ex all the time. He just somehow creeps in my thoughts. Am i being silly?I am a shy person and i have a habit of doing everything on my own, be independent and not inconvenience anyone unless absolute necessary. My friends call me drama free and sweet.How can i get out of this rut? I tried meditating to control my thoughts and thinking but mind just wanders. And more towards negativity about me. Either I am not pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, enough personality, fun enough; just ordinary and boring. Aarrrrgghhh I read the "20-something 20-everything" book. Tedious in my opinion. Is it a weird phase?I know people out there have more problems and mine is minute compared to them but i need something. I want to live each day to fullest no matter what. Enjoy being me; its one life to live right. Don't know how!!! Do I worry too much? Do I take things seriously too much?Any words of wisdom?R.P. Dear R.P. First I wish to commend you for sharing all that you have done and your desire to want to move forward. You are a very courageous young woman.I appreciate all the changes you have gone through; with change comes transition, and with transition often comes uncertainty and fear. I want to let you know that the stuck feeling and even the negative feelings you are experiencing are natural. I know they are uncomfortable, but I can assure you, you are not weird, nor are you a failure, or silly in any way. With that said, I would like to make a request (of course you are welcome disregard any request or thoughts shared); please try and go easy on yourself right now. Swinging a 2x4 at your head isn’t going to serve you and will also not support you in moving forward. If anything, beating yourself up will only compound the feelings. I have a few suggestions that I would like to offer to combat the negative thoughts and feelings, as well as to help you move past the feeling of being in a rut: 1) It is very easy to go down the path of comparison, comparing yourself to other family members and friends. However, you are not your family nor are you your friends, you are you. Who YOU are is a gift and someone to acknowledge and embrace (even though I know it may not feel that way right now.) I would like to ask that you find one great thing about yourself, i.e. your independence, your sweetness, or your ability to avoid drama, and focus on that. 2) When you start to feel fear, anger, pain, or any other negative thought or emotion try practicing a little gratitude. Place your hand over your heart, begin breathing deeply and list five things in the here and the now that you are most grateful for. That could be the shirt on your back, the sun coming through the window, the chair you are sitting in. The brain, in all its glory and splendor, does not have the capacity to think both positive and negative thoughts at the same time. Copping an attitude of gratitude will not only help you be in the present moment (where all the good stuff appears), but it will help to shift your energy and mood.3) You had mentioned that others have expectations for you, what about your own expectations for yourself? When we live our life for others, we are not living a life for ourselves and according to what is in alignment with who we are. I would like to suggest doing a little exercise (courtesy of James Arthur Ray) to help create some clarity around the things you want for YOU in your life. Please take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the center. On the left hand side of the paper write down all the things you don’t want in your life. Then on the right hand side of the paper write down the exact opposite of what you wrote on the left side; the things that you do want. Pick at least one thing from the right side and start taking action around that one thing. 4) Get to know you. What light’s a fire for you? When was the last time you had a lot of fun? What was it you were doing? What was it about the things that you were doing that created the fun for you? Chances are you will learn a bit more about the wonderful person you are just by answering those questions.5) Last, but not least, in regards to the relationship that ended, I would like to ask that you list at least five good things that you can take away from your experience that will serve you in the future. By looking at the positives that will certainly support you in letting go and moving forward.Please know, R.P. you are enough, more than enough and you always have been. Again, I wish to thank you for reaching out and for sharing! I wish you all the very best.
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