Shame hurts. It is the belief that you are inherently defective. You feel "less" than others, worthless, bad. Does this definition fit you? Does it describe a friend or a family member?
You can say, "So long, shame! I'm no longer playing Twister with you!" You can choose to believe you are who God says you are: blessed, chosen, forgiven, a saint.
Shame differs greatly from guilt. Shame is feeling bad for who you are; guilt is feeling bad for what you do or have done. This is a huge difference.
Here's a word picture. Let's say you pocketed a lipstick. Nagging guilt twists and turns your insides until you cry "Uncle." You wisely decide to write the store manager, confessing up to your theft. You also include money to cover the item's cost, apologize, and hope she doesn't call the police.
You feel free from guilt, from what you did, and feel like doing a happy-dance. Phew!
Knocking down shame is as easy as killing Goliath -- not easy, but with God's help, a sure thing.
Shame comes from one or more sources. Let's consider a few.
There can be shame put on you by others, typically a parent.
While growing up, people may have called you names like "stupid," "ugly," "fatso," or "a mistake." You may have heard, "You'll never amount to anything," "I wish you were never born," or "Why can't you be more like your sister?"
These are shaming words. The closer and more powerful the person who speaks them, the deeper the shame.
When counseling a friend burdened by shame, listen to her pain then open the Bible and show her what God says about her. A phenomenal passage is Ephesians 1:3-14. Here is part of it:
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined up to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will -- to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves." (Ephesians 1:3-6, NIV)
Remind her that God lavishes her with love. Her enemy, the devil, accuses her. Any bad tapes she runs in her mind are lies.
Another source of shame can come from continual exposure to an emotionally toxic environment.
Examples of toxic environments include an alcoholic home where instability and fear rule, growing up different from one's peers (having dyslexia or other learning disability, for instance) or being poor in a middle-class neighborhood. Then there's the worst toxic environment...sexual abuse.
If sexual molestation and rape punctuated your nights and days, you experienced the degradation of human dignity. Sadly, confusion becomes normal. When a girl is touched inappropriately and is told "you're my favorite" or "come and make Daddy happy," the violation is not only shameful and confusing but also sets her up for problem relationships when she's a teen and an adult.
While counseling a friend with difficulties in her marriage, gently ask about sexual abuse. Let her talk about the abuse. Shameful experiences are difficult to share. She'll fear exposure and rejection. Reassure her. Pray with her.
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. (Ephesians 4:2)
Finally, shame may result from one isolated and powerful incident.
The suicide of a father, mother, or sibling when you are young can lead to shame. So can a destructive incident, such as a house fire, a divorce, or severe physical injury.
Significant embarrassment, such as the imprisonment of a mom or dad, ushers in shame too.
Rape is perhaps the most powerful cause of shame.
You can read a biblical example about Tamar, who was raped by her brother Amnon. You may know the sordid tale. Read it in 2 Samuel 13:1-22. Amnon falls in love with Tamar, a virgin. Truly, it was not love but lust. He pretends to be sick and asks their father, King David, to send Tamar to his room and feed him by hand. Amnon grabs unsuspecting Tamar and ravishes her.
Two years later, their brother Absalom murders Amnon, the rapist. And Tamar? Though young, she is ineligible for marriage and lives as a desolate woman in Absalom's house...disgraced, her dreams shattered.
No matter the source, shame hurts. It keeps you isolated from others, trying to hide your perceived imperfections.
The good news: You can help your hurting friend slip off shame.
How? First, help her identify the source(s) of shame. Next, continue to listen. She needs to know that it is safe to reach out to trusted friends.
Then, help her stop negative self-talk. Teach her to replace phrases like "I'm ugly" with godly statements like "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" and to stay away from media that tempt her to put herself down. She also needs to steer clear of folks who speak like, "You're a loser," and spend time with people who encourage her.
Last, encourage her to determine to believe she is who God says she is, based off biblical truth. Here's an excellent passage to read: "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. then you will be able to test and approve what God's will -- his good, pleasing, and perfect will" (Romans 12:2).
Saying "so long, shame" is far from easy. Think of it as a life-long endeavor. Our Lord wants you to become who you already are: a saint.
Father, I feel shame and I hurt. I want to hide. Facing my pain is too much for me but it's not too much for You. Thank You for helping me expose the ugly stuff and giving me the courage to believe I am who You say I am. In Jesus name, we pray. Amen.
Shame hurts. It is the belief that you are inherently defective. You feel "less" than others, worthless, bad. Does this definition fit you? Does it describe a friend or a family member?
Shame differs greatly from guilt. Shame is feeling bad for who you are; guilt is feeling bad for what you do or have done. This is a huge difference.
Here's a word picture. Let's say you pocketed a lipstick. Nagging guilt twists and turns your insides until you cry "Uncle." You wisely decide to write the store manager, confessing up to your theft. You also include money to cover the item's cost, apologize, and hope she doesn't call the police.
You feel free from guilt, from what you did, and feel like doing a happy-dance. Phew!
Knocking down shame is as easy as killing Goliath -- not easy, but with God's help, a sure thing.
Shame comes from one or more sources. Let's consider a few.
There can be shame put on you by others, typically a parent.
While growing up, people may have called you names like "stupid," "ugly," "fatso," or "a mistake." You may have heard, "You'll never amount to anything," "I wish you were never born," or "Why can't you be more like your sister?"
These are shaming words. The closer and more powerful the person who speaks them, the deeper the shame.
When counseling a friend burdened by shame, listen to her pain then open the Bible and show her what God says about her. A phenomenal passage is Ephesians 1:3-14. Here is part of it:
Remind her that God lavishes her with love. Her enemy, the devil, accuses her. Any bad tapes she runs in her mind are lies.
Another source of shame can come from continual exposure to an emotionally toxic environment.
Examples of toxic environments include an alcoholic home where instability and fear rule, growing up different from one's peers (having dyslexia or other learning disability, for instance) or being poor in a middle-class neighborhood. Then there's the worst toxic environment...sexual abuse.
If sexual molestation and rape punctuated your nights and days, you experienced the degradation of human dignity. Sadly, confusion becomes normal. When a girl is touched inappropriately and is told "you're my favorite" or "come and make Daddy happy," the violation is not only shameful and confusing but also sets her up for problem relationships when she's a teen and an adult.
While counseling a friend with difficulties in her marriage, gently ask about sexual abuse. Let her talk about the abuse. Shameful experiences are difficult to share. She'll fear exposure and rejection. Reassure her. Pray with her.
Finally, shame may result from one isolated and powerful incident.
The suicide of a father, mother, or sibling when you are young can lead to shame. So can a destructive incident, such as a house fire, a divorce, or severe physical injury.
Rape is perhaps the most powerful cause of shame.
You can read a biblical example about Tamar, who was raped by her brother Amnon. You may know the sordid tale. Read it in 2 Samuel 13:1-22. Amnon falls in love with Tamar, a virgin. Truly, it was not love but lust. He pretends to be sick and asks their father, King David, to send Tamar to his room and feed him by hand. Amnon grabs unsuspecting Tamar and ravishes her.
Two years later, their brother Absalom murders Amnon, the rapist. And Tamar? Though young, she is ineligible for marriage and lives as a desolate woman in Absalom's house...disgraced, her dreams shattered.
No matter the source, shame hurts. It keeps you isolated from others, trying to hide your perceived imperfections.
The good news: You can help your hurting friend slip off shame.
How? First, help her identify the source(s) of shame. Next, continue to listen. She needs to know that it is safe to reach out to trusted friends.
Then, help her stop negative self-talk. Teach her to replace phrases like "I'm ugly" with godly statements like "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" and to stay away from media that tempt her to put herself down. She also needs to steer clear of folks who speak like, "You're a loser," and spend time with people who encourage her.
Last, encourage her to determine to believe she is who God says she is, based off biblical truth. Here's an excellent passage to read: "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. then you will be able to test and approve what God's will -- his good, pleasing, and perfect will" (Romans 12:2).
Saying "so long, shame" is far from easy. Think of it as a life-long endeavor. Our Lord wants you to become who you already are: a saint.
Father, I feel shame and I hurt. I want to hide. Facing my pain is too much for me but it's not too much for You. Thank You for helping me expose the ugly stuff and giving me the courage to believe I am who You say I am. In Jesus name, we pray. Amen.