I am so guilty! I am so ashamed. How can I ever repair relationships I tear down with my out of control rages? I don't deserve these relationships. I am so unworthy. When I repeatedly fail so miserably how can I ever hope for a healthyloving family. I know that I are one of the major problems in my lifeso it is hard to feel good about facing another day. Let's face it if I get out of bed chances are I are going to hurt someone.
Can you relate? Do you struggle or have a love one that struggles with bouts of rage? No one likes being easily triggered and snapped. Normallybeing a joyful person who loves peopleGod and lifebut in an instant you can turn into some kind of wildangryyelling monster. After the ugly words roll off the tonguedeep regret follows. Why do you angrily destroying someone you love so much?
A chemical change takes place in the body. The adrenaline hormone is rushing high because a trauma trigger has been tripped. It is like an explosion - like someone stepped on a land-mind that you didn't plantso you were not ready for the rapid change in your body. A trauma trigger is something that unconsciously opens the emotions of a traumatic eventwhile the memory of the event does not even need to be recalledthe intense fear starts the body releasing adrenalinethe fightflight or freeze hormone in our body. The emotion of fear is usually not feltbut anger rages in its place.
It is hard for people to believe this fact: chemicals control our body functions. While we have free willchanges in our body do occur subconsciously. After an adrenaline surgethe physical body feels beat upsore or numb. Biceps and triceps can ache as if someone was beaten with a two by four. In milder situationsforearms begin to get very heavy and numbness causes tingling fingertips. Some started to fainteven falling to the ground.
You might want to control your behaviorbut it is controlling you. On lookers can think you can stopyou can close your mouth. . .and with practice and time you can learn to read your body changes before you explodebut there are times when you are tiredsickover-committedor you ignore the warning signs until it is too late.
After a tantrum you feeldegraded and ashamed of hurting others. Saying I am sorryI am responsible, or I am wrongfeels so little compared to all the damage already done. How many times can a person forgive and forget? How many times can they be torn down by vicious words and not build a permanent wall up in your relationship so they never get hurt again? There are no answers to this question.
God in His Word asks us to forgive no matter how many times a person sins against us (Matthew 18: 15-35)but you can never force someone to forgive youand it is often a good thing for people to build healthy boundaries closing volatilepoisonous relationships. This is difficult to hear when you may be the person considered toxic by another. But I don't want you to loose hopebecause you are always welcome in God's presence and you can never out sin His forgiveness and grace. In time as He heals youthe times of out-of-control emotions will grow fewer and for between.
And this is a reality you must be willing to acceptbroken relationships. It is not something you desire but it can be a very strong possibilityand very necessary to keep others in your life healthy. This is why it will be so important for you to build a strong relationship with our Father Godbecause He loves you so deeply and sacrificially that He will always have His arms open wide to embrace you. He knows youeverything about youand still He loves you without restraint or hesitation.
There are practical changes you can make in your life to help you have less trauma triggers. Do you overload with too much informationstimulusconversations or questions? How do you handle continual interruptions? Mothering and being a wife or friend is all about being available when needed. How can a person dealing with so much emotional turmoil inside handle pressure from others.Where is the balance?
Try to notice patterns and work on eliminating pressure situations. Seek a qualified trauma therapist that can help you work through your trauma triggers to remove them. Choose to make your life less stressful. Listen carefully to physical signals in your body to recognize when you are overly sensitive. It is much better to say"I am upset and need some time away." Give yourself a time to let your chemicals settle back to normal. Go for a walklisten to soothing musictake a bathread a bookwatch a movie. Discover what works best for you.
And never forget to pray. When I humbly bow beside my bed and vet my feelingGod is a perfect listener. In His presence receive His forgiveness and grace and unconditional acceptance. He loves you as you are today and will continue loving you to see you being faithfully conformed into the image of Christ Jesus. This is the walk of faith for every Christian.
Every one of us are on the path of sanctificationbeing set apart unto God and being holy as He is holy. Hope is a blessing for all sinners who are saved through Jesus!