Yesterday morning I woke up and saw an email about the Radiant Goddess Course and decided to take the plunge and become a part of the Goddess Circle . I really love Leonie’s artwork because it’s so colorful and happy looking and I’m really needing some of that right now.
To be honest, this weekend was really very difficult for me. Turning in my final college paper on Friday was bittersweet and it wasn’t a day to celebrate after hearing about the death of another friend. This is the third friend that’s passed away since December and although I wasn’t very close to any of them, their deaths have made lasting impressions because I shared some deep similarities with them all. I didn’t have time to process the first two because they happened right after I left inpatient and my day treatment program wasn’t really equipped to handle that issue. Since then, I’ve gotten caught up in my thesis and just general “college is over” stuff and haven’t really let myself feel what I need to feel.
There’s this idea that I know a lot of us have that we can’t grieve someone who we weren’t close to. When someone dies, it’s a big deal and it’s a loss. If someone’s life and existence impacted you, I think it’s a dishonor to their memory to not grieve and allow yourself to feel that pain (and yes, I’m mostly talking to myself, but I know others who feel this way too). They say there’s no right way to grieve, but I wonder if there is a wrong way to grieve; by not grieving at all.
I also found out yesterday that I didn’t get a job I really wanted. I turned down another job offer because I was holding out for this one and I also didn’t think that job would be a good fit after the interview. I’m a firm believer in gut feelings and intuition and after the interview for the job I really wanted, I told myself, “If I don’t get chosen, it means they were looking for someone different and it doesn’t mean I failed or am a failure.” It’s still hard to be rejected though.
But onward and forward I must go and there will be other options. It’s so cliché to hear/say, “Everything happens for a reason,” but when I look back at my life, that seems to be the case. Had things not happened the way they did for me, I don’t know who I’d be or if I’d be in this good of a spot. On May 14, I’ll be 6 months symptom free and to me that’s my biggest accomplishment ever. It’s not just eating disorder symptom free but it marks the beginning of my ascent out of depressive hell and I’m just so grateful to be alive and healthy enough to live on my own and take responsibility for my health and happiness.
Because I’m going through a big period of change in my life, I need things to keep my mind busy and focused on positive, healthy thoughts, thus I decided participating in the Radiant Goddess e-Course would be a nice start. They promote eating a mostly raw meal plan while also encouraging meditation and movement for at least 5 minutes a day. I really like how they don’t say things like, “Go for a 5 mile run,” because honestly I feel like I shouldn’t/can’t talk about exercise on my blog because I’m not a runner and I don’t want this to be an exercise blog, but exercise (or now I prefer the word “movement”) is something that can be beneficial and need not be eating disorder related. Additionally, I still have some issues with the word and concept of exercise because for me it was always a punishment and never a pleasure. I’m still learning how to change that and hoping I can find some people to play tennis with, as tennis was the only form of movement I really enjoyed, and now yoga of course.
I think the Radiant Goddess course is also fitting, seeing as the goddess concept is something I have imprinted on me :
I’m sorry for the short post right now, I’m in a little bit of a funk today (and have been the last few days) so I am going to try and get some more rest. Angie kept climbing over me while I tried to sleep and now she’s passed out. Figures.
I’ll be back later tonight with another post but here are a few topics you can look forward to this week:
Spring/Summertime Beauty and Spa Insider Secrets
Foods that make me feel alive
Books that fascinate, challenge, and excite me
Buying new clothes in recovery and learning to love your body
And if the weather holds up tonight, going to my senior Tassel Toast!