Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place. -- Zora Neale Hurston
When I was a child, I often felt like 'the disappointment' in my family. Like I didn't fit in. Danced to a different drummer, heard a different note, saw a different movie of life. I often felt that what I did wasn't what they expected, or wanted, even when I ensured I was on the honour roll, up on stage, doing things that would get me noticed. It didn't seem to matter. In my mind, I knew, believed, lived what I perceived to be the truth -- I was a disappointment to them. I was outside looking in on their circle of love and trust.
I carried those feelings into adulthood and, though they didn't sit well within me, I held onto the feeling of 'being a disappointment' in ways that disturbed the ebb and flow of my life. I held on so tightly to the belief, "I am a disappointment', I made it my truth and ended up disappointing and hurting, the one's I love the most.
It was the grace of my daughters' love, the healing balm of their forgiveness that helped soothe the troubled waters. That eased the burden of my feelings of being a disappointment to everyone, including myself.
In the waters of forgiveness, disappointment waned and love flowed and in that healing space, the past rolled away and I was left with the truth -- I am not a disappointment. My family never intended for me to feel like I was, or to believe it was true. It was a child's mind trying to make sense of the ebbs and flows of life in a family where time and money and understanding were in short supply with the demands and exigencies of life. The seeds of my disappointment were planted long before I understood -- families do the things they do, not because they don't love you, but rather, because it's all they know how to do, they're doing the best they can.
Getting over the disappointment of not getting what I wanted or needed way back then is my responsibility today. Not anyone else's. No one is to blame. No one is accountable for my feelings of 'being a disappointment' today, other than me -- and seriously? Why would I want to believe or act out on that lie? Acting out on the belief, I am a disappointment, only gets me more disappointment and dissatisfaction in my life today. And I am committed to being my light, shining bright and sharing my brilliance without fear of never being enough. Truth is... I do enough. I give enough. I am enough.
It's a tough little word that word 'disappoint'. When I hang onto it, I make it mine. And frankly, I don't want it! Don't need it and definitely don't want it to be my truth today, though I'm grateful I got to chew on it for awhile and set the record straight. It's lead me once again to my truth, to what is real and affirming and what makes my rich and fulfilling today...
What a heartfelt article! I said "heaartfelt" because I feel every words you wrote. Although it sound to me your'e self ptying at first but after reading your entire article, it seems that your'e gaining your confidence level. Maybe you don't have everything but you have the precious love of your daughter and that is more than enough.