Do you have a friend or family member that you are trying to help? Are you praying with or for a woman who has been terribly abused? Do you know a lady so depressed she is contemplating suicide, starving herself with anorexia or bulimia, or cutting herself? Are you trying to lead a friend to church on Sunday morning in hopes that she will hear a sermon that will touch her hurting soul?
Friends, family, church leaders and many well-intentioned people cross paths in life with women who have been through abuse, torment, abortion, rape, and many other horrible events that destroy the foundation of a soul. I have had my share of sincerely trying to help ladies who have a lot of problems. I am sure you have also.
About fifteen years ago I became connected to a dear lady because I prayed with her one night when she was distraught. I asked her if she wanted to have Jesus as her Lord and Savior. From that night on I became her "saintly sister" that saved her life and she felt forever indebted and bound to me by her salvation prayer. Of course, I always pointed her to Jesus, but I did come to her need and listened to her talk incessantly like a broken record about the miseries of her life.
One night at her home she took some prescription drugs while I was talking and praying with her. About thirty minutes later she was totally drugged and had fallen off the sofa onto the floor. Even though she was heavier than me, I picked her up and helped her stumble to her bed. Feeling a sense of responsibility and liability; I was unsure if I should leave her, call medics, or stay until she awoke. She clearly had an addiction problem with prescription medication and that night was the tip of the iceberg that unraveled months later.
I had talked, prayed, visited and "helped" her for over a year. But as I encouraged her to confront her addiction to prescription medications and make an appointment with a counselor, she stopped calling me. She really didn't want help to get healed, she wanted someone to nurse her wounds. She did not want to apply the balm needed for healing. God calls his Word the Balm of Gilead. The truths in His Word is the healing medicine for a hurting soul.
This is just one example, I have dozen more. What makes most of them similar is that the person wanting to talk, looking for companionship, crying on my shoulder, did not really want help. That may seem bold to say but it was true. These ladies wanted someone to share their misery with, and had no desire for various reasons to take the steps necessary to get help they needed.
Recently I have been helping a prayer partner work through her "trying-to-fix-it" mentality when it comes to ministering to hurting women. We sincerely care when we see someone hurting, and we wonder, "How Can I Help? The answer to this question may surprise you. Frequently, the best way we can help a hurting friend is to release them to God.
Parents of older teens and college students often learn this lesson the hard way. After coming in and getting them out of trouble over and over, the parents come to a point that they realize their child needs tough love, not to be rescued over and over again. If a parent always jumps in to solve the problem, save the pain and remove the natural consequence, the young adult will never learn to stand up on her own feet. She has left the cozy nest of home but never learns to fly because her parents have placed a well-cushioned safety net to prevent any pain when she fails to fly.
When my dear friend asked for my advice for a friend, I told her, "You cannot save or fix her. She needs to want help. She needs to be seeking help foremost
from God. She is making decisions and choices because she has a free
will…like we all have. No one is responsible for her. She is
responsible to God. Once we have pointed her in the right direction,
given her Godly counsel, prayed over/for her, there comes a point that an adult must be given their
life to make a choice."
You see, my friend was wanting to do an intervention as a
means to save her friend from herself, and it is not that I don’t think the young adult needs to
be saved from herself, her poor decisions, thought processing, and spiritual
attack. God is waiting for her to come to her end and cry out
to Him alone for help.God came to set the captives free.
This may appear cold hearted, but it is not. Incredibly compassionate, graceful, tough love is what hurting people need. Many people will drain others, leaching on and pulling the
life out of whoever will answer their call for help. The irony is this kind of hurting person doesn't want God's help. She is always whining, complaining, crying, sharing, and cycling in a desperate needing help
syndrome but she never heeds advice or takes steps to really get help. It
is almost as if some hurting people get in a cycle of identifying with being
needy…being a victim…being abused…and it brings them control, and in a very
warped way comfort.Over the past twenty or so years of
listening to woman in pain, I havelearned some big lessons.
I always have the person depend on Godand not me. When a person calls, I ask the her what is God telling her to do, or check to see if she has prayed to God about the subject matter she is telling me about. I am not the adviser or answer
person for unlimited conversations. It is better for me to release a person to God, than to help her avoid Him and, therefore, avoid dealing with the true problem. I make it clear: I am not the healer, I am not the answer. Hurting women will
drain anyone they can, depending on people instead of God. Isaiah 26:3 says, " You will Keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You" (NKJV). Remind her to keep her mind's focus on God and to trust Him for peace.
I give the hurting
person a reason to hope. I encourage her with stories of success, share
testimonies, teach God’s abilities, make it very clear that God can
and will heal her. I tell her nothing is too dirty, big, or deep for God to
handle. This is a great time to share Bible verses. Write them down to give her or suggest a good daily biblical devotion that will keep her daily in the Word. Devotional journals are also available for her to write about her healing journey with God. Jesus Calling by Sarah Young is an excellent daily devotional for hurting people. Another excellent daily devotional for healing is Streams in The Desert by Cowmen and Reimann.
I pray with her for healing. After the first few
conversations,I let the person know
that I am praying for her, instead of simply listening and talking. I say, “Let me pray with you right now about this.”
If this person is really seeking the Lord’s direction and help, she will be
strengthened by prayer. I also allow her to pray for the situation herself. I have had ladies begin to pray and while in prayer they learn God's purpose or direction for healing. If the person is put off by me praying,
interrupts my prayer or goes in the same tone/conversation/words immediately
after the prayer as if prayer is meaningless, I quickly end the conversation and
make myself available on a very limited basis. Prayer is so powerful. Listen to God's Word, " Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another that you may be healed.The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much" (James 5:16 NKJV).
I tell her she needs make a decision. The hurting woman has
to come to her point that she takes positive steps toward getting godly help.It is not good enough for her to say, "I hate therapy, I hate medicine, etc." Frankly, that is
like saying I hate a root canal and leaving the infection in your body until
you just perish due to internal infection. The hurting person has to come
to the point that she hates being a miserable, suffering person more than she
hates doctors, prayer, medicine, therapist, or therapy. The sun is
shining outside her door but she has to step out the door to receive it.
She will often hide inside (physically and emotionally) until she is ready to really get healing help. She must turn to God for "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3 NKJV). There is no one that can heal completely and permanently like God does.
- I encourage her to call professional people to get the help she needs. The hurting woman has
to make the phone calls herselfto get medical/psychological
treatment. No credible psychiatrist or counselor will make an appointment
to meet with a person over age 18 that does not initiate the contact herself to
get help. My counselor will flat out say that until the lady calls her,
there is nothing she can do. It is a total waste of the doctor's time, and truthfully, the woman’s time. If she does not have enough desire to be helped/healed to make the call and keep the appointment, she is not at her bottom and
not ready for God’s help. God never helps someone that doesn’t want to be
made well. He makes himself available to everyone but we must respond on
our own…our sister, mother, pastor, etc cannot respond for us.
I hope this helps
you. I know it might not be what you expected, from the question, "How Can I Help?" I would not be so
blunt if I was speaking to the hurting woman (in two weeks I will follow this article with how a hurting women can find support), but I would clearly state the points I have outlined above in a gentle truthful way. I have dealt with women who, years later, say
the same thing and have the same problems but never get the help they
need. I love them. I care how they are doing. But I don’t
keep casting pearls before them, and give them my time (another pearl) if
they have chosen to remain in their situation.
This is an excerpt from Sarah Young's book, Jesus Calling:
"I love you for who you are, not for what you do. Many voices vie for control of your mind, especially when you sit in silence. You must learn to discern what is My voice and what is not. Ask My Spirit to give you this discernment. Many of My children run around in circles, trying to obey the many voices directing their lives...Walk closely with Me each moment ..."
Bottom line, the hurting woman needs God to direct her on her healing path. She may need to go to a psychiatrist or licensed therapist, but she has
to talk to and listen to God. God can heal in many ways, He doesn’t
have to use medicine or a doctor. Doctors and well-experienced/trained therapist can advise
and help her discern God’s voice in discovering what she needs. Wonderful Christian doctors in the area of mental health are rare treasures. God has blessed me, during my personal healing, with two of
the best. I know God will do the same for other ladies.
You can guide her to the doorway or the gate, but she will have to step through onto the path toward God.
The lady you are helping has a choice.
Will she prayerfully seek God, and walk through doors that He is opening or
will she remain hidden inside?
It is her choice. Psalm 130:1 has to be her heart's longing, "Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord!"This is something she needs to do for herself. Pray for her that she will cry out to Him, Jehovah- Rapha, the Lord Who Heals."
Do you have a friend or family member that you are trying to help? Are you praying with or for a woman who has been terribly abused? Do you know a lady so depressed she is contemplating suicide, starving herself with anorexia or bulimia, or cutting herself? Are you trying to lead a friend to church on Sunday morning in hopes that she will hear a sermon that will touch her hurting soul?
About fifteen years ago I became connected to a dear lady because I prayed with her one night when she was distraught. I asked her if she wanted to have Jesus as her Lord and Savior. From that night on I became her "saintly sister" that saved her life and she felt forever indebted and bound to me by her salvation prayer. Of course, I always pointed her to Jesus, but I did come to her need and listened to her talk incessantly like a broken record about the miseries of her life.
One night at her home she took some prescription drugs while I was talking and praying with her. About thirty minutes later she was totally drugged and had fallen off the sofa onto the floor. Even though she was heavier than me, I picked her up and helped her stumble to her bed. Feeling a sense of responsibility and liability; I was unsure if I should leave her, call medics, or stay until she awoke. She clearly had an addiction problem with prescription medication and that night was the tip of the iceberg that unraveled months later.
I had talked, prayed, visited and "helped" her for over a year. But as I encouraged her to confront her addiction to prescription medications and make an appointment with a counselor, she stopped calling me. She really didn't want help to get healed, she wanted someone to nurse her wounds. She did not want to apply the balm needed for healing. God calls his Word the Balm of Gilead. The truths in His Word is the healing medicine for a hurting soul.
This is just one example, I have dozen more. What makes most of them similar is that the person wanting to talk, looking for companionship, crying on my shoulder, did not really want help. That may seem bold to say but it was true. These ladies wanted someone to share their misery with, and had no desire for various reasons to take the steps necessary to get help they needed.
Parents of older teens and college students often learn this lesson the hard way. After coming in and getting them out of trouble over and over, the parents come to a point that they realize their child needs tough love, not to be rescued over and over again. If a parent always jumps in to solve the problem, save the pain and remove the natural consequence, the young adult will never learn to stand up on her own feet. She has left the cozy nest of home but never learns to fly because her parents have placed a well-cushioned safety net to prevent any pain when she fails to fly.
When my dear friend asked for my advice for a friend, I told her, "You cannot save or fix her. She needs to want help. She needs to be seeking help foremost from God. She is making decisions and choices because she has a free will…like we all have. No one is responsible for her. She is responsible to God. Once we have pointed her in the right direction, given her Godly counsel, prayed over/for her, there comes a point that an adult must be given their life to make a choice."
You see, my friend was wanting to do an intervention as a means to save her friend from herself, and it is not that I don’t think the young adult needs to be saved from herself, her poor decisions, thought processing, and spiritual attack. God is waiting for her to come to her end and cry out to Him alone for help.God came to set the captives free.
This may appear cold hearted, but it is not. Incredibly compassionate, graceful, tough love is what hurting people need. Many people will drain others, leaching on and pulling the life out of whoever will answer their call for help. The irony is this kind of hurting person doesn't want God's help. She is always whining, complaining, crying, sharing, and cycling in a desperate needing help syndrome but she never heeds advice or takes steps to really get help. It is almost as if some hurting people get in a cycle of identifying with being needy…being a victim…being abused…and it brings them control, and in a very warped way comfort.Over the past twenty or so years of listening to woman in pain, I havelearned some big lessons.
I always have the person depend on Godand not me. When a person calls, I ask the her what is God telling her to do, or check to see if she has prayed to God about the subject matter she is telling me about. I am not the adviser or answer person for unlimited conversations. It is better for me to release a person to God, than to help her avoid Him and, therefore, avoid dealing with the true problem. I make it clear: I am not the healer, I am not the answer. Hurting women will drain anyone they can, depending on people instead of God. Isaiah 26:3 says, " You will Keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You" (NKJV). Remind her to keep her mind's focus on God and to trust Him for peace.
I give the hurting person a reason to hope. I encourage her with stories of success, share testimonies, teach God’s abilities, make it very clear that God can and will heal her. I tell her nothing is too dirty, big, or deep for God to handle. This is a great time to share Bible verses. Write them down to give her or suggest a good daily biblical devotion that will keep her daily in the Word. Devotional journals are also available for her to write about her healing journey with God. Jesus Calling by Sarah Young is an excellent daily devotional for hurting people. Another excellent daily devotional for healing is Streams in The Desert by Cowmen and Reimann.
I pray with her for healing. After the first few conversations,I let the person know that I am praying for her, instead of simply listening and talking. I say, “Let me pray with you right now about this.” If this person is really seeking the Lord’s direction and help, she will be strengthened by prayer. I also allow her to pray for the situation herself. I have had ladies begin to pray and while in prayer they learn God's purpose or direction for healing. If the person is put off by me praying, interrupts my prayer or goes in the same tone/conversation/words immediately after the prayer as if prayer is meaningless, I quickly end the conversation and make myself available on a very limited basis. Prayer is so powerful. Listen to God's Word, " Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another that you may be healed.The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much" (James 5:16 NKJV).
I tell her she needs make a decision. The hurting woman has to come to her point that she takes positive steps toward getting godly help.It is not good enough for her to say, "I hate therapy, I hate medicine, etc." Frankly, that is like saying I hate a root canal and leaving the infection in your body until you just perish due to internal infection. The hurting person has to come to the point that she hates being a miserable, suffering person more than she hates doctors, prayer, medicine, therapist, or therapy. The sun is shining outside her door but she has to step out the door to receive it. She will often hide inside (physically and emotionally) until she is ready to really get healing help. She must turn to God for "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3 NKJV). There is no one that can heal completely and permanently like God does.
I hope this helps you. I know it might not be what you expected, from the question, "How Can I Help?" I would not be so blunt if I was speaking to the hurting woman (in two weeks I will follow this article with how a hurting women can find support), but I would clearly state the points I have outlined above in a gentle truthful way. I have dealt with women who, years later, say the same thing and have the same problems but never get the help they need. I love them. I care how they are doing. But I don’t keep casting pearls before them, and give them my time (another pearl) if they have chosen to remain in their situation.
This is an excerpt from Sarah Young's book, Jesus Calling:
You can guide her to the doorway or the gate, but she will have to step through onto the path toward God.
The lady you are helping has a choice.
Will she prayerfully seek God, and walk through doors that He is opening or will she remain hidden inside?
It is her choice. Psalm 130:1 has to be her heart's longing, "Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord!"This is something she needs to do for herself. Pray for her that she will cry out to Him, Jehovah- Rapha, the Lord Who Heals."