I have been so disconnected from my centre for such a long time. And the sad thing is I didn’t even realise it.
The magical synchronicities were few and far between, things weren’t working out as beautifully as I’d become accustomed to, and there were no butterflies. (For me, the sight of butterflies, either in physical or artistic form, is the Universe’s way of tapping me on my shoulder and letting me know I’m not alone)
Instead of sailing along and trusting that all is well, I had to work hard to feel at peace, reminding myself constantly that all was well instead of feeling it instinctively.
I found myself struggling with things instead of flowing along with my usual ease. I, a life coach with a Discover your Dream Job programme, couldn’t figure out where I wanted to go next with my own career - seriously out of integrity! The only thing I did feel sure about on that front was that I wanted my writing to become more central. But then I found myself struggling to write. And a new relationship, instead of blossoming blissfully, was fraught with difficulties. As I fretted, it floundered and finally fell apart.
But for some reason I was not aware of the disconnection. I was very aware that things weren’t as free-flowing as normal, but I forgot that the outer always reflects the inner. I fretted about why the outer was as it was, instead of breathing deep, trusting that all will be well, and letting go. Very remiss of me…
I only began to join the dots after recently embarking on a programme of decluttering. Suddenly things were looking up again, the synchronicities were more frequent and there was clarity.
It was the re-emergence of the butterflies that helped the penny to finally drop. When they started to come back into my life – or to be very truthful, I started to notice the ones I was already surrounded by and was just not seeing - I realised just how disconnected I had been. I realised it with profound gratitude, because I knew I was reconnecting again.
In clearing my clutter my energy was becoming unstuck and I started to find my way back to my centre. And I started to ask myself what happened. When and where did I start to lose my way? I’ve traced it back to moving house last July. I might save the list of reasons as to why that is for another post. But let me just say here that I don’t believe in coincidences and I am convinced that the energy in my home is not quite right for me.
So I’m going to change it. When I’ve completely finished the Great Declutter I’m going to do a space clearing ceremony to "cleanse and purify the chi" of my home.
What else has clicked for me since my clarity improved? Well, I remembered that my meditation practice was so much better before the move. In my last home I easily meditated for fifteen to twenty minutes every morning. Since I moved here I’ve been struggling to do five minutes. At the time of the move I wondered if I were missing the view of a tree from my old bedroom window, but now I’m wondering if a change of energy might be more instrumental. At least I’m hoping that a new change in energy will help improve things on that front.
Did you notice something important there? I was aware of the change in my meditation practice at the time , but instead of focussing on finding a solution I kinda let it slide. I made do with the five minutes a day (well all the teachers say it is better than nothing). There, I think, was the slippery slope that lead to my gradual and progressive disconnection.
Then a few months down the line I stopped writing out my daily intentions and affirmations. I still set them (the intentions) and recited them (the affirmations), but I took a lazier approach to it than before. What I used to do, and it worked for me oh so beautifully, is I used to write them out in full while having breakfast, then go upstairs, read the intentions, meditate, then read the affirmations.
Since the end of November I’ve been short-circuiting that process big time. Before I got out of bed at all, I would do a quick run-through of my intentions for the day in my head, meditate for barely five minutes, and maybe do a quick run-through of my affirmations. The whole process would take me less than ten minutes and would be barely mindful. No wonder my connection to my spirit was so weak…
But the bit that has me really confused is this. During the last six months I’ve gotten to know myself a lot better. I’ve tapped into some fears, well lots of fears actually, that I had hidden under ambivalence. In some areas of my life I definitely have a much greater self-awareness.
And this was achieved during a time that I was not that in tune with my higher self. I’m trying to tie the two together logically, and I’m not managing to make sense of it. But then maybe I should just let go of the logic – focussing on logic over feelings always leads me away from my peaceful core.
Maybe I was meant to stray away from my inner peace. If I’d been going with the flow more, experiencing lots of magic and easily trusting that I was on the right path, then the hard questions may have just floated over my head instead of digging so deep.
One of my interests is kayaking, and though we generally go with the flow on a river, occasionally you have to paddle upstream just an itty bit in order to have the best angle of approach to a particular feature. I wonder if that’s what was going on with me? I certainly believe that whatever happens is meant to happen, even if that does mean I occasionally stray away from my own centre.
And so, while I recognise now that I’ve been in the wilderness for a bit, I’m not sorry to have gone there. I did learn lots of interesting things about myself, and I’ve also learned the importance of not taking short-cuts! Well, with the important things in life, there are no short-cuts really ; )
And now I’m coming home, back to a place where I feel joy and peace effortlessly, but with a stronger self-awareness than I had before. All is good.
And how have I done it? I’ve re-established the routine of writing out my daily intentions and affirmations. I remembered some good advice from Judith Morgan and I’ve embarked on an Extreme Self Care spree. After a gym workout I treat myself to a dose of the jacuzzi - bliss! I had a long overdue shiatsu session, and I’m looking forward to another on Tuesday. I had a consciousness shifting session , which was a new experience for me but I think I’ll be going back for more. I had an energetic massage which was also well overdue, and I’ve renewed my intention to make that a more regular treat. (Don't be fooled by the word "energetic" there, it's a delightfully relaxing and pampering indulgence, with the added benefit of leaving your energy chakras rebalanced)
And I’m still decluttering. A bit here and a bit there. And every bit makes a perceptible difference to my energy. My sense of peace is being restored. And I’m now facing two weeks school holidays (a recent teaching stint having come from my career conundrum) during which time I will complete the declutter and perform the space clearing ritual. I’m breathing more deeply already.
I’ve gone from feeling stuck in limbo to having a strong sense of moving forwards, eventhough I’m still not sure where I’m headed. But I know I’m going somewhere and I’m much more at peace with the not-knowing-where than I have been of late : )