When I was young I observed some very powerful grudges in action. The people who harbored them were angry; the power their grudges wielded was enormous—and frightening. The damage these grudges caused to their lives and to those in their pathmine included, was voluminous. I did not like grudges; I wished to never have them. When something was done to me that was harsh or hurtful I worked very hard to get over it as soon as possible. Usually after just a few weeks I couldn’t remember important details. The pain and any possible blame I might have would just vanish. I figured out later on that this was a form of denial. At the time I experienced these events I didn’t know how to process them so I just tucked them away out of sightout of mind. I fooled myself into thinking I was unaffected.
Years ago those details I thought I had forgotten started bubbling to the surface. Experiencing these memories for the second time was tough. It was difficult for me to admit that I was holding on to a lot of pain and alsoanger. At first I felt shame over the fact that I had been harboring these strong emotions for so long. I really thought I was done with these memories and had let them go. I was disappointed in myself; I was disappointed in the memories for having so much power over me. I felt a little bit like I had a secret monster lurking inside.
It started to feel good to express myselfeventually. It was like I was strong enough for the first time to claim how I really felt. It felt good to say“I’m mad!” instead of “I’m fine!” I was able to raise my hand and saytriumphantly“Heywhat happened here was wrong and I do not accept it.”
The next phasethoughwas realizing this new found bravado wasn’t contributing to peace and harmony in my life.
Around that time I started hearing about this concept of forgiveness. I learned how it is important to forgive others in order to let go of associated painanger or resentment. At firstthe idea of forgiveness only increased my anger. I thought“First I have the burden of this experience from someone who should have known betterand now the burden is on meagainto forgive? Outrageous!” I was closed off to forgiveness. Forgiveness seemed like a gift you give the person who hurt you; I didn’t agree with it. Even later when I learned that forgiveness doesn’t mean you condone the behavior or have to invite this person back into your lifeI still couldn’t embrace it. I suppose I just wasn’t ready.
Then one day I was listening to a radio show hosted by Marianne Williamson. She described an exercise on forgiveness that caught my attention. She suggested we mentally recall a relationship or an event within a relationship and we take responsibility for our wrongs. One by onewe call out anything we did that was wronghurtful or thoughtless and we take responsibility. In this waywe humanize the relationship and diffuse the actions performed against us. The result is that we are finally able to let go of our grudge and any negative emotions associated with it. This is something we can do on our own. If we want to then reconcile the relationshipwe canbut we don’t have to. This resonated with me.
Over the next several weeksanytime I was driving around townor doing something else where I could be alone with my thoughtsI went over these past events and accepted my part. It helped me a lot and I learned a powerful lesson on humility. I realized that a wrong committed is a wrong no matter what. What I mean by this is that sometimes we weigh the wrongs committed against us and if they are really bigwe refuse to accept that we also played a part because our wrongs are so seemingly insignificant by comparison. We make the person who hurt us into a horrible villain and we are one hundred percent the victim. We defendor cancel out, anything we did wrong because we find it to be less wrong than what was done to us.
In my own wayI had this mentality. The bulk of my experience occurred between parent and child. Prior to this exerciseI refused to accept any responsibility because I was a child when the trouble began. I am right in many respects; but our troubled relationship did continue into my adult years and surely I contributed to the pain and mistrust that existed between us later on. That I was a child when the trouble began was my “free pass” so to speak. What I came to realize is that by holding on exclusively to what had been done to meI had locked myself into the victim mentality. Anytime we enter into a victim/villain dynamic we’re stuck. The relationship locks up and stalls. Our own growth stallstoo, because we are too attached to our one-sided ideas about the situation. I had to accept that in the Court of Forgivenessall wrongs are equal. Doing this diffused my pain and anger. In taking a look at where I could have done things differentlyI realized I was not perfect in the situation and so I could not expect perfection from the other personeither. Surrendering my part to the situation helped me to see how each of us contributed to the problem. Seeing what my pain caused me to say or do made me more open to seeing what actions against me may have been motivated by pain. I felt empathyeven.
PersonallyI was much better off. Doing this exercise unlocked a part of me that I never thought would be free. The lightness I felt as I came to terms with all of this was instantaneous. Being able to refer to this as forgiveness still took a little more time for me. But I did arrive there eventually.
I finally understood what I heard before about how forgiving someone else is a gift we give ourselves. Forgiveness frees us from the past. We are able to function happily in the present once again when we let go of the past. We allow our hearts to open instead of going through life with a clenched fist.
I wanted to share Marianne Williamson’s method for forgiveness in hopes that it could help one of you with letting go of your own pain or anger. I think there is a way for all of us to healwe just have to find the way that works for us. When we are healedpeace and harmony are possible.
Posted in FamilyMindRelationshipsSelf-CareSpirit
When I was young I observed some very powerful grudges in action. The people who harbored them were angry; the power their grudges wielded was enormous—and frightening. The damage these grudges caused to their lives and to those in their pathmine included, was voluminous. I did not like grudges; I wished to never have them. When something was done to me that was harsh or hurtful I worked very hard to get over it as soon as possible. Usually after just a few weeks I couldn’t remember important details. The pain and any possible blame I might have would just vanish. I figured out later on that this was a form of denial. At the time I experienced these events I didn’t know how to process them so I just tucked them away out of sightout of mind. I fooled myself into thinking I was unaffected.
Years ago those details I thought I had forgotten started bubbling to the surface. Experiencing these memories for the second time was tough. It was difficult for me to admit that I was holding on to a lot of pain and alsoanger. At first I felt shame over the fact that I had been harboring these strong emotions for so long. I really thought I was done with these memories and had let them go. I was disappointed in myself; I was disappointed in the memories for having so much power over me. I felt a little bit like I had a secret monster lurking inside.
It started to feel good to express myselfeventually. It was like I was strong enough for the first time to claim how I really felt. It felt good to say“I’m mad!” instead of “I’m fine!” I was able to raise my hand and saytriumphantly“Heywhat happened here was wrong and I do not accept it.”
The next phasethoughwas realizing this new found bravado wasn’t contributing to peace and harmony in my life.
Around that time I started hearing about this concept of forgiveness. I learned how it is important to forgive others in order to let go of associated painanger or resentment. At firstthe idea of forgiveness only increased my anger. I thought“First I have the burden of this experience from someone who should have known betterand now the burden is on meagainto forgive? Outrageous!” I was closed off to forgiveness. Forgiveness seemed like a gift you give the person who hurt you; I didn’t agree with it. Even later when I learned that forgiveness doesn’t mean you condone the behavior or have to invite this person back into your lifeI still couldn’t embrace it. I suppose I just wasn’t ready.
Then one day I was listening to a radio show hosted by Marianne Williamson. She described an exercise on forgiveness that caught my attention. She suggested we mentally recall a relationship or an event within a relationship and we take responsibility for our wrongs. One by onewe call out anything we did that was wronghurtful or thoughtless and we take responsibility. In this waywe humanize the relationship and diffuse the actions performed against us. The result is that we are finally able to let go of our grudge and any negative emotions associated with it. This is something we can do on our own. If we want to then reconcile the relationshipwe canbut we don’t have to. This resonated with me.
Over the next several weeksanytime I was driving around townor doing something else where I could be alone with my thoughtsI went over these past events and accepted my part. It helped me a lot and I learned a powerful lesson on humility. I realized that a wrong committed is a wrong no matter what. What I mean by this is that sometimes we weigh the wrongs committed against us and if they are really bigwe refuse to accept that we also played a part because our wrongs are so seemingly insignificant by comparison. We make the person who hurt us into a horrible villain and we are one hundred percent the victim. We defendor cancel out, anything we did wrong because we find it to be less wrong than what was done to us.
In my own wayI had this mentality. The bulk of my experience occurred between parent and child. Prior to this exerciseI refused to accept any responsibility because I was a child when the trouble began. I am right in many respects; but our troubled relationship did continue into my adult years and surely I contributed to the pain and mistrust that existed between us later on. That I was a child when the trouble began was my “free pass” so to speak. What I came to realize is that by holding on exclusively to what had been done to meI had locked myself into the victim mentality. Anytime we enter into a victim/villain dynamic we’re stuck. The relationship locks up and stalls. Our own growth stallstoo, because we are too attached to our one-sided ideas about the situation. I had to accept that in the Court of Forgivenessall wrongs are equal. Doing this diffused my pain and anger. In taking a look at where I could have done things differentlyI realized I was not perfect in the situation and so I could not expect perfection from the other personeither. Surrendering my part to the situation helped me to see how each of us contributed to the problem. Seeing what my pain caused me to say or do made me more open to seeing what actions against me may have been motivated by pain. I felt empathyeven.
PersonallyI was much better off. Doing this exercise unlocked a part of me that I never thought would be free. The lightness I felt as I came to terms with all of this was instantaneous. Being able to refer to this as forgiveness still took a little more time for me. But I did arrive there eventually.
I finally understood what I heard before about how forgiving someone else is a gift we give ourselves. Forgiveness frees us from the past. We are able to function happily in the present once again when we let go of the past. We allow our hearts to open instead of going through life with a clenched fist.
I wanted to share Marianne Williamson’s method for forgiveness in hopes that it could help one of you with letting go of your own pain or anger. I think there is a way for all of us to healwe just have to find the way that works for us. When we are healedpeace and harmony are possible.
Posted in FamilyMindRelationshipsSelf-CareSpirit