As I held my salt crystal close to my heart last night while I was falling asleep in bed, I had another “moment.” I was overcome by this sense of joy, bliss, peace, comfort, acceptance, love and belonging. I realized that maybe all my struggles were worth something and that in order to be the person I want to be in this life, in this world, I needed to climb my way out from the muck and the mud and the trees and the bush, with pricked, sore skin, weary from the journey but ready to embrace the light and go back and help others. If I can recover, I think anyone can.
Today came and all I wanted to do was to enjoy some more sleep, but miss Angelina was ready to get the day started, so I obliged. I spent a good two hours debating whether or not to go to yoga this morning, seeing as I haven’t been in a few weeks. With my thesis, visitors, trip to New York, last paper, and death of a friend, I just really couldn’t bring myself to do it. At the end of March and beginning of April I had really started to compare to others in yoga, something I actually hadn’t done before. Out of fear that it would be too triggering and not believing I was strong enough to handle it, I skipped a class, then two, then three.
In the mean time I’m hearing about bloggers who run marathons with very little training, and bloggers who run 5Ks all the time and bloggers who just run. I so wish that I liked to run. I so wish that I could be part of this “cool running blogger” world. Running is everywhere I look. It’s on blogs, it’s outside my apartment, I see someone jogging while I’m driving next to them on the road (parts of Pennsylvania aren’t so great with sidewalks…aka most neighborhoods lack them). Now that it’s summer, athletes all over the world are pushing themselves and pumping themselves up, and the eating disorder part of me has issues with that. Maybe it’s actually the recovery part that has issues with that because the only time I’d really push myself to run 5ks (the distance not an actual race) was when I was ill. The comparison here is between who I am and who I think I want to be and who I think I should be. This isn’t an exercise blog and exercise blogs are all the rage now, but life to me is so much more than exercise, and that’s something I’ve had to learn and train my brain to think. I’m not saying that being a runner is bad, I just wish that I had balance with movement (because I hate the word exercise). I don’t know how to push myself hard enough to make progress without pushing so hard that I get sick (physically and/or emotionally). That makes me scared (enter black and white thinking) and believing that I either become a marathoner or I never put on running shoes again. I also think a part of me wants to prove to myself that I could do it, but again, my own work to be done. Of course, these are all things I need to work on privately and have discussed in therapy but I wanted to mention it here because if there is anyone else struggling with this, at least you know you aren’t alone.
But back to yoga. This morning, I decided to go. I had a new outfit I wanted to wear and that did motivate me (and I don’t care if that’s shallow, if it’s motivation to do something that will clear my head of a depressive fog then it’s worth it). I got to the yoga class and began by stretching as I usually do, and when the teacher came up to me to ask me how I was, I told her I’d been having a difficult time because of a friend passing away. She said that she felt the same, as her aunt passed away in the last week or so. The class today was EXACTLY what I needed. The universe listened to my intentions and somehow the teacher knew what kinds of poses would be best for me, even though I wasn’t the only one in the class. By the end of the hour and fifteen minute class, I felt comforted, alive, powerful, rejuvenated, and humbled. It was such a beautiful experience.
Through the Radiant Goddess eCourse by Goddesses Leonie and Sone, I have really been able to connect a little more with my inner spirit and energy and the course has really helped me identify some of the problems I have with the concept of exercise and why I envy those who can run marathons. I’m not a couch potato but I’m not a “real” runner so what am I? I did nourish myself today with fresh fruits and vegetables that I made into a “Kale-Coloda” (recipe to come! and it’s non-alcoholic!), amongst other things and I’m hoping to make a delicious, warm meal for dinner followed by a cup of Mandarin Orange Spice tea and a few medjool dates. Sometimes cooking simply is a really beautiful, healing thing.
Thank you to everyone who has followed my blog this week, taken the time to comment, or has just dropped by. It means a lot to me and I’m very grateful to have readers who are so kind and wonderful. Have a splendid Sunday!