It’s no secret that off and on I have really struggled in these past couple of months, past year maybe, with this whole IVF process. Endless waiting for something that never seems to happen, the ease and speed with which ‘other people’ get pregnant, other people’s insensitivities even when they know the situation, the complete inability to escape other people’s pregnancies, and inability to escape the reasons behind our need for IVF, that is that I or we (Mr F and I) have the gene for HD and there is currently no cure. It has been really hard and upsetting to deal with.
And there were times when Mr F and I were simply not communicating at all well with each other. I mistook his silence when I got upset for a lack of understanding of what I was going through. I didn’t recognise that he was feeling the same as me, and he didn’t voice his feelings either.
But I think a couple of months ago, I did turn a corner. A corner of acceptance almost, where around the other side everything made a bit more sense and just became a bit easier to deal with. It was like one day I woke up, and was completely fed up with myself. Fed up that I couldn’t be happy for other people, and fed up with being jealous, and just sick and tired of hearing myself whinge to other people or when that had become ridiculous, in my head. And it was almost like I decided that enough was enough. Life is good, whether we are waiting for IVF or not. Other people are other people and sod them all because their life is not ours. Yes, we have to wait but what is waiting compared with what might happen in the future. A child free from all of this stress and pressure, a child free from HD. OK, so they might have to deal with me when I get ill but they won’t have it, and their children won’t have it and the pain from HD (emotional and physical) will stop. What a gift that is.
I think I got hung up on the waiting, and hung up over on other people. And somehow, I just told myself to stop and it has stopped. OK, I’m not saying that the jealousy has completely 100% gone but it is stuffed in a box, locked away somewhere inside me and I going to try my hardest not to let it out. I am strong, I am not my mother, I will not let this beat me.
I think a few things led to this – a couple of emails from you guys shook me out of it but also my husband. Before the corner-turning moment, the barrier between us crumbled. I crumbled you see. I had always just thought he didn’t understand or know what to say to me and that was why he wasn’t talking but then I thought what if he is feeling the same? Him not saying anything could mean anything, or indeed nothing. So I asked him, in the midst of my crumble, what his silence meant. And his answer was what I should have known all along, he did feel the same, just the same. And I guess once we picked ourselves back up, the relief flooded through me that I was not going mad, that it was normal to feel what we were feeling, and that he felt that way too. Just the same. And we knew that we could get through this.
And I think it took a few more days, maybe a week, maybe a little more. And my head cleared, and the jealousy fell away and the realisation of life, our life, came flooding back. And things started to change.
Suffice to say, I have stopped with my timescale of events. I’m trying to reduce the importance of time in this whole situation. For those of you who want to know, it’s now been pretty much a year and a half since we first requested our appointment to get the referral and we’re not quite there yet but we’re close. But I am going to stop counting now.
So I am still waiting, we are still waiting for the next stage. But we are waiting contentedly. I am once more trying to finish work on time, trying to reduce unnecessary stress. And I have signed myself up for reflexology, and we are going to go away for a little holiday before everything does indeed kick off. And I am going to do a fun run or two as well, whilst its still warm and again before things start happening. And I’m cutting right down on alcohol as well. Fingers crossed, I am going to have to stop altogether soon anyway.