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From jealousy to acceptance to sadness, back to acceptance

Posted Aug 04 2009 7:38pm
A couple of Mr F's old friends came up this weekend, friends we don't see very often but friends with pregnancies and small babies. I have been dreading it in all honesty.

I didn't know whether I was going to be able to cope or whether I would be unable to control the old jealousies from boiling under my skin again. I thought I have done so well in the past couple of months controlling those feelings, I just didn't want to go through it again.

The jealousies did not make an appearance, and I found myself asking them questions about their pregnancies/babies/small children. Even being happy for them. But another feeling crept over me instead: sadness. This one was easier to suppress and easier to deal with but it lingered the whole weekend.

Mr F said to me is it sadness that we can't have what they have? And I said no, it's sadness that we can't just have what they have. That we can't just decide to have a child, and just stop using contraception and that it will just happen. Mr F was sad too, that they have been able to go so far, starting to have their second children, and their firsts being so old that they're running around and talking now. And in some ways (to the outsider), we have stood still.

Not jealousy, I think and I hope that I have squashed that. But a wave of sadness, enveloping me and pulling me down. Sadness that we have HD in the family, sadness that it is because of me that Mr F is going through this too, sadness that it takes so long, sadness that there is no "just".

We are so very nearly there, very nearly at our first attempt. It is not something to be sad about. By tonight, maybe tomorrow, the sadness will be gone, as they have gone. And we will continue along our path, the path that we have chosen and that we need to follow.
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