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When you friend dates your boyfriend

Posted Nov 19 2009 10:08pm

This is an issue I have really strong feelings about. Last night while chatting with a dear very long term friend of mine, we broached the subject which is a taboo to me. We both had very different views which I found interesting.

I am incredibly loyal to my friends, also my first husband cheated with a couple of friends of mine, the last one being my ex sister in law I left him.
So I know what it feels like to not only lose a husband, but lose a friendship over serious boundaries being crossed.

Here is a scenario. You have met a guy and are dating.
Problems arise and you share it with your trusted friend.
Later on you and your boyfriend break up you find out several weeks later that now your friend is dating your ex.
Its not jealousy that consumes you, its betrayal and humiliation.

Firstly you have shared all your heartbreak and intimate details with a friend.
You believe that the advice they are giving you is genuine, however is wasn't. It was tainted by the fact your friend now has an attachment to your boyfriend and any objectivity has gone out the window.

Your trust, and respect has been broken and you feel betrayed because you believed your friend was there for you.
In fact they weren't, they crossed a line, and were probably using your information to get a hold on your guy.
You have just lost not only your boyfriend but your friend, as you feel deceived.

The question was asked but "what if the women has fallen in love", they believed it is their right to fall in love with whomever they chose.
If a person is happy to throw away a friendship over a guy then their friendships mustn't mean much to them.
Everyone has that right (to fall in love) but NOT with your best friends husband or boyfriend.

I don't agree, as a personal boundary has been crossed between two friends.
Again they are supposed to be your friend, and be there for you and visa versa.
Knowing that the whole time your friend in fact wanted your man while you pour your heart and soul out is a breaker.

I would want to know that I could trust my friend with any man I had, and wouldn't trust them again if they hooked up with my guy.
I would be wary letting them anywhere near my next partner.
Also the friendship would deteriorate as I would feel I couldn't confide in them , or trust any advice in the future. Always wondering if they are going to sabotage it.

My friend didn't believe it was so bad if it was a boyfriend opposed to a husband.
I disagree again, if feelings are involved it doesn't matter what the label is.
It is still crossing the line.

"What about a time limit", still again time does heal and this would be only acceptable if your friend is completely over it, has moved on and gives her blessing.
Personally I still would be shocked and mistrusting if I knew my partner had left me for my best friend.
Or she had feelings for him while giving me advice.

I am respectful of my friends relationships, I would never dream of crossing the line.
Even if some feelings had sprung up, I would push them away, as it is inappropriate my friendships mean far more to me than wrecking a relationship for their own personal needs.
I don't even take my friends partners numbers, or email addresses.
Unless it was for an emergency reason only.
Because I am not friends with their partner, I am friends with them.
Men can be opportunistic and if you friend is going to be there for the guy and his every whim, then why should the guy be there for you, he is going to take the easy route.
If you find your partner lies to you and isn't telling you he has just been hanging out with your mate, then he has only one thing on his mind and so does she.

This is what friendship is about. Loyalty, honesty, trust, respect. If I am giving that to a friend and respecting their needs and wishes and insecurities. I expect the same in return.

I will always drop a friend no matter how long I have known them if I found out they had been deceiving me in such a way. These are my values and I'm sicking to them. For me to be in a relationship of any sort is a huge thing to do, so if a friend crosses the line knowing what I had already been through, then they to me are worse than the guy.
What do you guys and gals think, opinions?

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