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Toxic relationships.

Posted May 08 2009 11:39pm

There is a member of my family I don't talk to. I have good reasons for this, namely a lifetime of hurt and behaviours. A toxic relationship should always be terminated. The person hasn't changed and probably never will. Blood isn't thicker than water in this case.

They don't take any form of responsibility for their actions and always blame others. In my case they have never had any empathy or understanding for my medical side as well as other major issues. The person spent years spreading nasty rumours, with which the family started to believe. This led to neglectful behaviour and avoidance of any form of responsibility for my care. Even when I was sick or struggling with recovery they still demanded I do things for them,they ignored my needs totally. The lies they spoke of ensured they didn't have to care for me without guilt.
When I was seven, I vomited on the floor in the hall because I couldn't reach the toilet in time, I was told to clean it up, I then climbed up onto the couch behind them for comfort, to be told to give them a back scratch.
I was always the scape goat when things whet wrong, and references to my childhood thrown in my face. One of the long standing problems is they don't accept what they have done and as usual blame me for everything that has gone wrong in their life.
I was called bitch so many times growing that in my youth I gave up and acted like one.
No one else cared about me , so why should I have?

Being on the other end of the gossip at times I empathise with anyone else who experienced the lies or gossip. Because I did this, I received the usual flow of abusive texts. They have informed the whole family it is my fault for their falling out with another family member, when it was they who was in the wrong to begin with and the person involved had, had enough long before the fall out.
Sometimes people like to label and and feed off other peoples miseries to take away any emphasis on their own insecurities and issues. To take the focus off their own wrong doing they create malicious lies about another. People are responsible for their own actions and theirs alone, If I hear something about someone I don't necessarily believe straight off what is said to me, I make my own judgement as you never know what is behind the gossip or what the persons agenda is.
This is what happened here, the person insisted there was something terribly wrong with a family member even though they were told otherwise. The person involved was appalled, and terminated their relationship on their own re cognisance. They had known all along what was being said, as they heard it through other family members.
Yet It was all my fault....apparently(this happened months ago).
There are two sides to a story. The biggest issue I have with this situation is when someone will say "I heard blah blah happened", when you go on to reply they say "Oh I don't want to get in the middle", When that happens it is unfair, and you already know they have made up their mind with a half arsed story giving the person no chance to explain how they feel.

Some other examples of this persons behaviour are, I never received a sorry your father died, actually only two family members did, like I didn't exist. When it came to me having surgery, the person only thought of them self and their needs, starting all of this drama days before. My dad was dying while I was in hospital.
When I was hospitalised for a week because I hadn't been able to eat or drink due to diarrhoea and weight loss the week before. It was thrown in my face that I had refused to cook a dinner for them, they went through my fridge when I was in hospital, discovered I had enough food to do that for them, yet I was too sick to even cook for myself.

That is the mentality of this person, refusing to acknowledge my hurts, losses, achievements(because I had done what they didn't and have educated myself,if I speak with any level of intelligence, I'm called a know all by them) gains, or that I have survived a tough time.
I was told at the age of 8 that my father had wanted me aborted, that he was a this and that and I was just like him. Yet they reached out to unknown extended family of mine overseas for sympathy when he died.
When I cried no arms embraced me, at times I was told to fuck off to my room, I learned very quickly that crying was a no,no, I learned not to feel.
When experiencing abuse from the ex, they would join in yelling and screaming at me themselves if I needed help from them.
They moan when my children don't contact them, yet they are the adult and have made little if no effort.
They will travel the countryside for friends or other relatives when they are sick, yet I lived down the road, and they demanded I visit them instead. They would call me up all hours of the night arguing, slagging everyone off, ignoring the fact I was sick and tired.
When someone dies they know, they call or txt everyone to gain sympathy and expect to be visited.
Yet when my friend died horrifically they didn't visit me at all, I had to go to them 5 days later. Their excuse was that she didn't really know the girl. These have been the minor issues.
Many of our extended family don't know the other side of this person, they hide it well. They manipulate and turn sibling against sibling, always having one on their side.
They may have forgiven this person for their own hurts, I no longer care.
I didn't grow up a confident, loved, supported, protected happy child, and I have done my best not to turn out like them. In fact I'm nothing like them.
Maybe at times I have overcompensated with my own kids, giving them what I didn't have.
They say its in the past. I say its not, as this person is still the same today.
They no longer affect me even as I write this here I feel nothing. I don't want them at my funeral when I die, as they would only be there to feed for sympathy and attention. I dont want them in my house, they have no rights.
They will forever live in their bubble of denial.
I wouldn't be a friend to a person like that, so why should I be their daughter.

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