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Sinking

Posted Dec 10 2009 8:16am
Ive been meaning to write for  few days. I put it off last night as  I was in a foul mood. I have no idea why I was in such a mood, you know when you just get in a mood for no reason and cant seem to get out of it. It was odd, as I was on my own all day yesterday, I was in isolation (I will explain i a minute) so I couldnt just go wander around the ward or anything and the staff had to gown up to come in so most of them didnt bother. Then mum text and said do you mind if I dont come in till later. She wanted to go for a walk around Birchwood and do non essential shopping and stuff) so it was 7 before I spoke to anyone properly. I spent most the day sleeping, curled up in a ball.

But as soon as she did come I didnt want her there, I didnt want to speak to her or anyone. I just wanted to curl back up and go to sleep. So I was very short with her and I couldnt help it. She started going on about speaking to one of the nurses where she works who deals with trachys and how I should have this care and that treatment and this equipment. I felt like saying I know but what do you want me to do about it. Its just so frustrating. I know they should be doing more but maybe if I was to try and speed them up it would mean me admitting how much things have got to change.

She kept going on about how I should be using my humidifier more, cleaning my tubes more often, changing my straps more often, having a new filiter every day. I felt like saying to her, well you know what, we could complain about the lack of info we have been given, but since you have complained every time I have been admitted so far its taken with a pinch of salt now. I mean last time, you had my dad fuming, you couldnt visit because 'you were too upset' and all because a nurse had canceled an appointment that I could not make it to as I was admitted. I mean really was it worth making such a fuss over something so stupid? And now that I could do with pushing them I wont because i have had it being a moaner.

So you just visited again today and im still in the same mood. I told you what Mr page had said to which you replied im sure the other doctors secretary could have told him if he was sick, so I said im only telling you what was told to me. We sat in silence then for a few more minutes until you got up and said you were going home to do some washing and that was it.

I know im not being a very nice person right now, but truth be told im struggling. I think im sinking into a bad depression. Im sleeping most the day and not talking to anyone. Building myself into a little box where no one can enter. Putting up those walls and believe me this time they are strong walls, I dont think I can take them down even if i want to. And suddenly and probably predictably, my mind races back to suicide and self harm.

I want to harm, but I know it will be messy and I dont have any dark bottoms I can wear to cover up. Different ways of killing myself are running through my mind, all the new possibilities that exist with my trachy. If only the bin hadnt have just been emptied, I could have gotten a syringe out of it and used it now. I could have been gone by tea time. I have no real means to do it in here, its so damn frustrating. Im impulsive enough that I would do it right now, without thinking about it.

Maybe its being stuck in this room too long. I say that it is approaching 3 weeks but its closer to 4 if you forget that I got out for one day near the beginning.

They say home hopefully on Monday, but I cant see it happening.

Man Im sinking low.
I hadnt realized till now how suicidal I was feeling again. But I will continue to paint a happy face on things. The staff here know me as someone who dosnt moan about being here and all the treatments and such. And I will wait. I will wait for one of them to slip up. To leave something in my room that they shouldnt. And then maybe I can act upon my desire.  I know its selfish especially this close to christmas, but I have had enough pain, enough of trying to adjust, just enough. Im sure in time they will forgive me and see that it was truly for the best.
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