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QVC stole my soul… ...

Posted Oct 04 2009 11:10pm

I must confess that this evening, with my dinner on my lap, I strayed from the more sensible TV channels and found myself drawn in to QVC……

It only happened for anout 15 minutes, until I came to my senses and switched over, but I could feel the common sense being bludgeoned to death by the sickly, cooing, feigned excitement that oozes from the mouths of the overly-made-up, shiny hostesses of QVC. Today was Christmas Decoration Items.  

If an air steward and a cosmetics counter saleslady had an affair and produced offspring, the children would grow up to be the presenters of QVC. No-one can be that enthusiastic about cheap sparkly tatt without a good genetic foundation on which to build the hollow insincerity of the TV Shopping Channel personality.

But, unlike the alleged 200 or so other viewers who did manage to summon the energy to dial the order line and read out their credit-card details to buy a selection of porcelain dangling cherubs (what the?), I was never taken in enough to part with my hard-earned cash. Granted, I could feel my life-force being drained by the constant use of superlatives to describe items I’d have walked past at a boot fair, but I never believed. It was just like the dementers from Harry Potter were there in the room with me, as my heartbeat began to slow and my consciousness-level started to deteriorate….. 

I stretched, as the two women chuckled about how sparkly the piece of gold-sprayed christmas junk was in the candle-light, and I managed to nudge the remote control just enough to change the channel back to the News. I was saved. My soul remained safely in my body, and stayed there to fight another day.

I must be more careful next time. 15 minutes of QVC is far too high a dose to be taken in one sitting.  

I must confess that this evening, with my dinner on my lap, I strayed from the more sensible TV channels and found myself drawn in to QVC……

It only happened for anout 15 minutes, until I came to my senses and switched over, but I could feel the common sense being bludgeoned to death by the sickly, cooing, feigned excitement that oozes from the mouths of the overly-made-up, shiny hostesses of QVC. Today was Christmas Decoration Items.  

If an air steward and a cosmetics counter saleslady had an affair and produced offspring, the children would grow up to be the presenters of QVC. No-one can be that enthusiastic about cheap sparkly tatt without a good genetic foundation on which to build the hollow insincerity of the TV Shopping Channel personality.

But, unlike the alleged 200 or so other viewers who did manage to summon the energy to dial the order line and read out their credit-card details to buy a selection of porcelain dangling cherubs (what the?), I was never taken in enough to part with my hard-earned cash. Granted, I could feel my life-force being drained by the constant use of superlatives to describe items I’d have walked past at a boot fair, but I never believed. It was just like the dementers from Harry Potter were there in the room with me, as my heartbeat began to slow and my consciousness-level started to deteriorate….. 

I stretched, as the two women chuckled about how sparkly the piece of gold-sprayed christmas junk was in the candle-light, and I managed to nudge the remote control just enough to change the channel back to the News. I was saved. My soul remained safely in my body, and stayed there to fight another day.

I must be more careful next time. 15 minutes of QVC is far too high a dose to be taken in one sitting.  

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