" Do not speak of that of which we talk of not speaking"
Posted May 08 2009 11:40pm
Confused. A real mind bending statement, of course. Directly from Scary Movie fours pisstake of TheVillage. A seemingly innoculous statement, and very funny to hear in relation to the scene. But Its also a statement that can be relevant in daily life.
What we say to each other in jest or seriousness can have long term effects on a persons well-being in life. Mental abuse also known as Psychological Violence can be more powerful and profound in its effects on people, than even Physical Abuse. Many women who front women's refuges doors are suffering from mental abuse. Emotional abuse isnt something you see. Therefore the persons suffering may be ignored. Mental abuse covers many things. Name calling, put downs, labelling, mind games, manipulation, coercion,forced co-dependence, stalking,threats, harassment, bullying.
The consequences of Mental Abuse can be: low self esteem, lack of confidence, depression, suicidal ideation, or suicide, drug/alcohol abuse, co-dependant, self harm, hypervigilance, self hatred.
Mental abuse can be insideous and it can take a person a long time before they realise that they have lost a sense of self, value, self worth, that they become a nothing, and nobody. The abuser may have already done this before to multiple partners. If children see this form of abuse they can mimick it and keep the cycle going.
It can be hard to Police, and the Police dont take it seriously enough.
I have experienced stalking many moons ago. Txt threats were frequent and came all hours of the night causing sleep deprivation. If the txts were ignored then the person jumped the fence onto the property, and knocking on windows, and hiding, then txtn about it. Or they sat down the road watching the house for hours day and night. Creepy aye. Terrifying yes, as the frequency and consistancy increased. The Police get arsey. 'Get a protection order' We cant help unless you do, empower yourself they say. Apparently not enough women do this. So you get one. Then you use it. Then you discover that no one even really gives a shit. God forbid if you call them more than once. They take longer to respond, if at all. Then the woman may be labelled as vindictive, or whatever for using the protection order. W.T.F. The guy breeches it multiple times, scaring the family and its not seen as bad because they arent killing you! Maybe Mental Abuse scares people so much because they recognise themselves in this behaviour.
Over the years I have met many women who have gone through hell and back. One women admitted her ex partner raping her on several occasions, beatings, the works. What got her though was the Mental Abuse. Her ex admitted that he spent two weeks trying to drive her insane so she would have a mental breakdown and he could take her kids. When I met her she was on Anti Depressants and Sedatives, and she felt constantly suicidal frequenting the E.D Psych Services. All because he had continued to mentally abuse her for 20 years. She couldnt stay away from him though, as he had also created a co-dependence within her.
'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me' is a complete and utter load of crap. Words can be so damaging, and can stay with a person for life.
STOP programmes may help some guys, but it canbackfire. Highly intelligent, manipulative men also will use what they learn to transfer and play a much deeper detremental game to a fragile already broken Womans mind. I know of a couple of guys who have done just that.
We only seem to respect people it seems if they shut up and tough it out. Trauma in individuals still doesnt want to be seen or heard. You are only respected if you are a good coper, or resiliant. God forbid if you cave, and bottom out after being traumatised.
We all have been guilty of saying things to someone then regretting it. If a person flinches at our words, or cries or goes quiet. An empatheic person will immediately pick up on their mistake and try to rectify it. An abuser may take pleasure in the pain caused, or ignore the discomfort before them. Making someone squirm or feel bad gives them power.
When a person is down or vulnerable dont keep on kicking them. Please also stop blaming the Abused Woman!! Its hard to leave someone when they make threats, brainwash, and demean her. Never Ever say to a woman, 'She enables it by keeping him there" or she puts up with it!!'. When you say that that you are taking the blame from the abuser, and blaming the abused, for being abused. The abuser works really hard at breaking your spirit. Its a power and control thing. I have personally found that when they underestimate you and you fight back they up the anti. Thats where alot of women just give up.
Fear of pain stops a a person burning their hand on a stove, the same can be said for someone who is being mentaly abused. Abused people can become targets the rest of their life. Its common for a woman, or man to suffer continual abuses in their lives. Not because they are weak or stupid. But because like a weak dog in a pack, predators and abusers zone in on vulerable people. They seem to smell weakness, or vulnerabilty like a dog can now sniff out cancer. Im not saying everyone should be Mother Theresa, but when you feel compelled to make judgment, or snarl and snap at someone due to intolerance. Think about it first. Your words may be the last they hear.
People have asked me over the years "how do you cope? How come you havent become a junkie/pisshead, cynical,bitter,twisted, mental,dead? I dunno luck, and choices I suppose. I didnt want to feel worse than I already did by making bad choices. I love my kids too much and respect my body.
If you cant be yourself around someone, if you cant be who you are, if you find yourself fighting for your rights then get out. Its not worth it. Lifes too short enjoy it!!!!