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One Month

Posted Aug 01 2010 5:50pm
It has now been one month since I wrote my first post. It has been an interesting month for me. First of all, I am finding myself far outside my comfort zone, I have "hid" behind the internet for so long, and opening up is very scary. The "turtleitis" still tries to rear its ugly head, but I am fighting it. In some ways the blog is a double edged sword. It has definitely taken a load off my shoulders, people now know what is really going on in my life, I no longer have to pretend I am someone I am not. However, I also fear that in the long run, I might use it as an excuse for crawling back into my shell, it is mighty cozy in there. Last weekend a friend called and asked us if we wanted to go out on Saturday night. I decided to stay home because I was embarrassed about myself, the way I look when I walk etc, and I did not feel like facing people. It is not the first time I have stayed home alone. I am fine with it as I am communicating with a lot of people online, and you are all very real to me! I do, however, need to find the happy medium, where I interact with people face to face and not just online. My face to face comfort zone is very small, I know that we all have issues, my issue happens to be on the outside. I have no way of knowing the issue of the beautiful woman next to me at the bar, but since I can only see the outside, it is all I have to judge from. I am constantly being told that people don't judge me by the way I walk, they just see a 35 year old woman with some form of disability, and that I should stop worrying about what other people think. Guess what, I don't worry about what other people think, but I do worry about what I think!

My favorite part of having started my blog is that some people I lost touch with have come back into my life. It is funny how you can be very close to someone for a really long time, and then more or less lose touch. Once the contact has been reignited, it is as if it was never gone. I think that is what real friendship is about. You don't need to talk on the phone every day, or send emails every day, or see each other every day. Once someone is in your heart, they are there for good!

I appreciate the feedback I have been given, and I know that some of my posts have been better than others. The last post I wrote is actually a good example of that. It is clear to me that I never truly got my point across. I have re-read it, and know that it probably should be rewritten, and I may do so. I do, however, want to clarify that I don't think I have done anything to deserve getting MD, but that sometimes, when I get frustrated, I look for somewhere to place the blame, and since it is "unplaceable", I turn towards myself. I think it is a part of a grieving process, and anger plays a very important role, however, you can't just yell without targeting your yelling, it is just not as effective. So I yell at myself, not the smartest thing to do, but it is just a default setting I have in my little brain.

I also want to return to my thoughts about God in this connection. It has become obvious to me how ignorant I am. One of the reasons why I fought the idea of believing in God was that I always thought that God punished people according to their sins, and that if I were to chose to become a Christian I would have to figure out where I went wrong. Sproul, however, took a big load off of me, by stating that, at least from the Reformed view, your amount of suffering is NOT proportionate to your amount of sin.

I want you all to have a great week, enjoy August !


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