Every wish you could be someone else? Just for a short time, a day perhaps, just to see the sort of things that run through another persons mind. And you would think, that is would be to find out what the person is really like, but it would be to find out more about yourself. To see if your mind and your habbits are like everyone elses. To see if you were normal so to speak.
I know that normal does not exist. We are what we are. Sometimes bad things happen to good people or bad people get to be happy and you just wonder what it all means in the grand scheme of things.
Nothing has changed per say. My breathing is a little harder and that of course has a knock on effect. But you do what you can do and hope for the best. I have a good feeling about this next surgery. I know it is a big one and I have said it before, but I do have a good feeling about it. That being said I am also dreading it. I have a feeling it will go to one extreme or the other.
I hate it when people say things like oh you are so brave or you must be so strong. What do you answer to that? How do you say, not really, I have had no choice so I just get on with things. Given the option, I think I would have given up long before now.
But that comes back to being normal. I look normal. And believe me, I am glad of that. I cover up my neck for that purpose. And I am normal, most of the time. But its like anything, mt mind dosnt constantly think of surgery, or death or difficultly breathing. But it is there, always in the back of mind and it is still enough, when I forget, for it to come hurteling back at me and knock me off my feet.
But I am mostly normal. Even in what I do. Monday, I was active all day and today I have paid for that by being to exhausted to do anything despite sleeping 12 hours last night. But tomorrow I hope to go to a theme park. Most people would say you cant be struggling that much if you are able to do all that. But in truth, tomorrow will be a push and today, has required planning and patience. I had a 4 hour nap earlier, despite my niece being here and wanting to spend time with her. Sometimes I want to scream and have the energy to do what I want. Other days, I am just grateful to have what I do have.
The world can be a hard and cruel place, but I have my familiy and for that i count myself lucky.