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Laughter Really is the Best Medicine

Posted Sep 19 2013 6:53am

Compiled by Bob Aronson

laughter is the best medicine

It has been said that laughter is the best medicine. It may not cure what ails you but it sure can offer some much needed relief.

We all need to laugh or at least show a toothy grin once in a while and so I decided to depart from our normal very serious posts to provide a lighter touch.  As far as I know all of these one or two-liners are public domain so enjoy, spread them around and laugh a little. 

I should warn you that this is not your dad’s collection of one-liners —there are a lot of them.  This is one of the best listings you will find.  They range from groaners to belly laughs to falling on the floor funny.

These snapshots of standup comedy were taken from some of the greatest humorists of our time both living and dead.  I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I did finding them.  Brief bios of the comics are from Wikipedia. 

This post was written in Microsoft Word.  The formatting was correct there but  Word and WordPress are not always compatible.  I apologize for unnecessary punctuation and other assorted faults. 

Also, I know some of you are going to say, “You left out so and so.”  Many great humorists were left out because I was searching for one liners only…I did not conduct a search based on individuals or jokes, ethnic groups,  gender, races or religions.

Henny Youngman

Henny Youngman Henry “Henny” Youngman (original Russian surname Yungman; [1] 16 March 1906 – 24 February 1998) was a British-American comedian and violinist famous for “ one-liners “, short, simple jokes usually delivered rapid-fire. His best known one-liner was “Take my wife—please.”

In a time when many comedians told elaborate anecdotes, Youngman’s comedy routine consisted of telling simple one-liner jokes, occasionally with interludes of violin playing. These gags depicted simple, cartoon-like situations, eliminating lengthy build-ups and going straight to the punch line. He was known as the King of the One Liners, a title bestowed upon him by columnist Walter Winchell .

 “I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”

“A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.”

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. ”

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need. If I die by 4:00.”

“My grandmother is over eighty
and she still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”

“When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)”

“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?”

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”

 

Ellen DeGeneris

Ellen DeGeneris Ellen Lee DeGeneres ( / d ɨ ˈ ɛ n ər ə s / ; born January 26, 1958) is an American stand-up comedian , television host , and actress. She has hosted the syndicated talk show The Ellen DeGeneres Show since 2003.

As a film actress, she starred in Mr. Wrong , appeared in EDtv and The Love Letter , and provided the voice of Dory in the Disney-Pixar animated film Finding Nemo , for which she was awarded the Saturn Award for Best Supporting Actress , the only time a voice performance has won a Saturn Award. She was a judge on American Idol in its ninth season . DeGeneres has hosted both the Academy Awards and the Primetime Emmys .

She starred in two television sitcoms, Ellen from 1994 to 1998 and The Ellen Show from 2001 to 2002. She has won thirteen Emmys and numerous other awards for her work and charitable efforts.  Ellen says,  “ For me, it’s that I contributed, … That I’m on this planet doing some good and making people happy. That’s to me the most important thing, that my hour of television is positive and upbeat and an antidote for all the negative stuff going on in life.”

 

I don’t understand the sizes anymore. There’s a size zero, which I didn’t even know that they had. It must stand for: ‘Ohhh my God, you’re thin.’

 

I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It’s been about two months since I’ve worked out. And I just don’t have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.

 

I was coming home from kindergarten–well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It’s good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

 

I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position. My chakras were all aligned. My mind is cleared of all clatter and I’m looking out of my third eye and everything that I’m supposed to be doing. It’s amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence. ‘Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, Mama’s got the magic of Clorox 2.’

 

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

 

Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. So procrastinate now, don’t put it off.

 

Sometimes you can’t see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.

 

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

 

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren’t any space aliens. We can’t be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we’re not all there is. If so, we’re in big trouble.

 

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

 

I don’t need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there’s morning sickness. If I’m going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

 

I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.

 

Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong – normally you wouldn’t say, thank God I have gas.

 

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was no one on the other line. Once she said “God Bless you” I said, “I didn’t sneeze” She looked deep into my eyes and said, “You will, eventually.” And damn it if she wasn’t right. Two days later I sneezed.

 

The way I see it… If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you’re doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.

 

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me – they’re just, like, ‘I can’t believe you don’t remember me!” I’m like, ‘Oh Dad I’m sorry!’

 

Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Rodney Dangerfield (born Jacob Rodney Cohen, November 22, 1921 – October 5, 2004) was an American comedian and actor, known for the catchphrase “I don’t get no respect!” and his monologues on that theme. He is also remembered for his 1980s film roles, especially in Easy Money , Caddyshack , and Back to School .

At the age of 15, he began to write for standup comedians, and began to perform at the age of 20 under the name Jack Roy. [8] He struggled financially for nine years, at one point performing as a singing waiter until he was fired, and also working as a performing acrobatic diver before giving up show business to take a job selling aluminum siding to support his wife and family. He later said that he was so little known then that “at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit!”

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy… for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.”

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren’t for pick-pocketers, I’d have no sex life at all.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they can hide.”

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, “On your mark…”

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint–a Saint Bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?” He said, “Because you came home early.”

I went to see my doctor… Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah…I told him once, “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me? He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him, “If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion.” He said, “All right. You’re ugly too!”

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look, twins!”

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with!

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, I’m not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek – she bent over!

I tell you, with my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.” He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

Groucho Marx

groucho marx Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx (October 2, 1890 [1] – August 19, 1977) was an American comedian and film and television star. He is known as a master of quick wit and widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era. [2] His rapid-fire, often impromptu delivery of innuendo -laden patter earned him many admirers and imitators.

He made 13 feature films with his siblings the Marx Brothers , of whom he was the third-born. He also had a successful solo career, most notably as the host of the radio and television game show You Bet Your Life . [3]

His distinctive appearance, carried over from his days in vaudeville , included quirks such as an exaggerated stooped posture, glasses, cigar, and a thick greasepaint mustache and eyebrows. These exaggerated features resulted in the creation of one of the world’s most ubiquitous and recognizable novelty disguises, known as “ Groucho glasses “, a one-piece mask consisting of horn-rimmed glasses, large plastic nose, bushy eyebrows and mustache. [4]

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I have nothing but respect for you …and not much of that.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five!

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy …and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?

Why, I’d horse-whip you… if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

If I held you any closer, I’d be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

(taking someone’s pulse) Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh, you tell me what you know.

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Whatever it is, I’m against it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Phyllis. Diller (July 17, 1917 – August 20, 2012 [2] ) was an American actress and comedienne known for her eccentric stage persona and her wild hair and clothes.

Early life

Diller was born Phyllis Ada Driver in Lima , Ohio , the only child of Frances Ada (née Romshe; January 12, 1881 – January 26, 1949) and Perry Marcus Driver (June 13, 1862 – August 12, 1948), an insurance agent. [3] [4]

Diller was a housewife, mother, and advertising copywriter. During World War II , she lived in Ypsilanti , Michigan while her husband worked at the Willow Run Bomber Plant . In the mid-1950s, she made appearances on The Jack Paar Show and was a contestant on Groucho Marx ‘s quiz show You Bet Your Life . [8]

Although she made her career in comedy, Diller had studied the piano for many years. She decided against a career in music after hearing her teachers and mentors play with much more skill than she thought that she would be able to achieve. She still played in her private life, however, and owned a custom-made harpsichord .

Along with Lenny Bruce , Bob Newhart , and Mort Sahl , Diller was part of the so-called “New Wave” comedians who began their careers after WWII and had no connections to vaudeville .

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, `Who’d steal it?

I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?

You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.

I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don’t give a damn.

They say housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

My vanity table is a Black & Decker workbench

The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions

Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don’t give a damn

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Will Rogers

Will Rogers William Penn Adair “Will” Rogers (November 4, 1879 – August 15, 1935) was an American cowboy , vaudeville performer, humorist, social commentator and motion picture actor. He was one of the world’s best-known celebrities in the 1920s and 1930s.

Known as “ Oklahoma ‘s Favorite Son,” [1] Rogers was born to a prominent Cherokee Nation family in Indian Territory (now part of Oklahoma). He traveled around the world three times, made 71 movies (50 silent films and 21 “ talkies “), [2] wrote more than 4,000 nationally-syndicated newspaper columns, [3] and became a world-famous figure. By the mid-1930s, Rogers was adored by the American people. He was the leading political wit of the Progressive Era , and was the top-paid Hollywood movie star at the time. Rogers died in 1935 with aviator Wiley Post , when their small airplane crashed in Alaska. [4]

Rogers’ vaudeville rope act led to success in the Ziegfeld Follies , which in turn led to the first of his many movie contracts. His 1920s syndicated newspaper column and his radio appearances increased his visibility and popularity. Rogers crusaded for aviation expansion, and provided Americans with first-hand accounts of his world travels. His earthy anecdotes and folksy style allowed him to poke fun at gangsters, prohibition, politicians, government programs, and a host of other controversial topics in a way that was readily appreciated by a national audience, with no one offended. His aphorisms, couched in humorous terms, were widely quoted: “I am not a member of an organized political party. I am a Democrat .” Another widely quoted Will Rogers comment was “I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

So live that you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

Don’t gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don’t go up, don’t buy it.

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.

If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.

I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat!

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that’s out always looks the best.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

“We can’t all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.”

 

George Burns

George burns George Burns (January 20, 1896 – March 9, 1996), born Nathan Birnbaum, was an American comedian , actor , and writer .

He was one of the few entertainers whose career successfully spanned vaudeville , film , radio , and television . His arched eyebrow and cigar smoke punctuation became familiar trademarks for over three quarters of a century.

At the age of 79, Burns’ career was resurrected as an amiable, beloved and unusually active old comedian in the 1975 film The Sunshine Boys , for which he won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor . He continued to work until shortly before his death, in 1996, at the age of 100.

Burns quit school in the fourth grade to go into show business full-time. Like many performers of his generation, he tried practically anything he could to entertain, including working with a trained seal, trick roller skating , teaching dance, singing, and adagio dancing in small-time vaudeville . During these years, he began smoking cigars and later in his older years was characteristically known as doing shows and puffing on his cigar. [5]

He adopted the stage name by which he would be known for the rest of his life. He claimed in a few interviews that the idea of the name originated from the fact that two star major league players ( George H. Burns and George J. Burns , unrelated) were playing major league baseball at the time. Both men achieved over 2000 major league hits and hold some major league records.

He normally partnered with a girl, sometimes in an adagio dance routine, sometimes comic patter. Though he had an apparent flair for comedy, he never quite clicked with any of his partners, until he met a young Irish Catholic lady in 1923. “And all of a sudden,” he said famously in later years, “the audience realized I had a talent. They were right. I did have a talent—and I was married to her for 38 years.”  Her name was Gracie Allen.

 

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

 

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.”

 

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

 

I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something.

 

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

 

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.

 

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

 

“A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.”

 

“Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman, or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.”

 

I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it. Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. “

 

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I’m labeled senile.”

 

“Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.”

 

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city.

 

There are two kinds of cruises – pleasure and with children. “

 

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house.”

 

If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.

 

By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.

 

 It’s hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

 

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

 

Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman… or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand.

 

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

 

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

 

Finally…one liners from assorted comics

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house,” – Lewis Grizzard

“The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.” – Jeff Foxworthy

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” – Robin Williams

“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.” Dave Barry

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.” – Bob Ettinger

“My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.”‘ – Paula Poundstone

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.” – Conan O’Brien

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God…. I could be eating a slow learner.” – Lynda Montgomery

“The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner.” – Roseanne Barr

“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’” – Richard Jeni

“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” -Johnny Carson

“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.” – Paul Rodriguez

“My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?” – Warren Hutcherson

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” – Oscar Wilde

“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.” -Mae West

“Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of Congress…But I repeat myself.” – Mark Twain

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.” – A. Whitney Brown

“Ah, yes, divorce……., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” – Roseanne Barr

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” – Billy Crystal

“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’” -Dave Barry

“We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, ‘You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.’” -Elayne Boosler

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” – George Carlin

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Unknown

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Bob Aronson of Bob’s Newheart is a 2007 heart transplant recipient, the founder of Facebook’s nearly 3,000 member Organ Transplant Initiative and the author of most of these donation/transplantation blogs.

You may comment in the space provided or email your thoughts to me at bob@baronson.org. And – please spread the word about the immediate need for more organ donors. There is nothing you can do that is of greater importance. If you convince one person to be an organ and tissue donor you may save or positively affect over 60 lives. Some of those lives may be people you know and love.

Please view our new music video “Dawn Anita The Gift of Life” on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYFFJoHJwHs .  This video is free to anyone who wants to use it and no permission is needed. 

If you want to spread the word personally about organ donation, we have another PowerPoint slide show for your use free and without permission. Just email me bob@baronson.org and ask for a copy of “Life, Pass it on.“  This is NOT a stand-alone show; it needs a presenter but is professionally produced and factually sound. If you decide to use the show I will send you a free copy of my e-book, “How to Get a Standing “O” that will help you with presentation skills. 

Also…there is more information on this blog site about other donation/transplantation issues. Additionally we would love to have you join our Facebook group, Organ Transplant Initiative The more members we get the greater our clout with decision makers.


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