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I've Come to Jesus...I've Been Wrong All Along...

Posted Dec 21 2010 3:00am
Some of you knew this was coming...a public apology...and my farewell post...

I really had a re-awakening experience, and I've realize that I've been wrong all along. I don't know what I've been thinking...being mad at people for wanting & liberally using a socialized 911 ambulance services.  Even more deplorably, I've been encouraging people to crave freedom and despise the idea of tyrannically robbing other people of their freedoms.

I've found Jesus, and I've realized that Jesus would want me to use a gun to take money from other people, and then, piss that money away by giving it to people who have no interest in their own self-improvement. I've been a hater, and I really want to apologize to all of you readers for attempting to influence you to become a hater like I am.

I've realized that people are too dumb to make decisions for themselves. At one point, I chastized the general public for calling 911 and requesting an ambulance when they weren't absolutely positive somebody wanted to go to the hospital, and that person absolutely NEEDED an ambulance to get to the hospital. That was a mistake. My revised advice to the public is this...

Attention fellow Socialists..."Comrades:"

Please do not attempt to make decisions for yourselves or attempt to take care of your own problems without involving the government. If you sense the slightest hint of a potential problem, with any aspect of your life, CALL 911 immediately! Let us come and tell you whether or not you have a problem. Don't allow yourself to make these decisions for yourself; you might make the wrong decision, and worse yet, you may start to feel empowered by the satisfaction of being able to rely on yourself to solve your own problems, thereby rendering government services useless. Let us do the thinking for you.

The forefather of America's educational system, John Dewey, once said, "You can’t make Socialists out of individualists. Children who know how to think for themselves spoil the harmony of the collective society, which is coming, where everyone is interdependent." In other words, we should governmentally CONTROL public education to ensure children don't learn to think for ensure children don't become individualist or independent, because individuality & independence threaten the harmony of our socialist society. What a great man!  No wonder he is credited as being the forefather of our educational system.

I bring this up because I have been guilty of attempting to cause people to think for themselves and become more self-reliant, independent, responsible, and personally-accountable individuals. I've been subverting the work of one of the greatest men this world has known.  I now realize this was wrong of me. Jesus would be very upset with my attempts to cause people to become personally accountable and potentially spoil the harmony of a socialist society.

The last thing any of us want is for government services to dwindle in size & scope, due to citizens becoming more self-reliant and personally responsible. For that reason, I encourage everyone to call 911, and call often. If you can, call right now, just to have the ambulance come by and "check you out"...they'll let you know if you have a problem or not. You never know if you're dying, and you can never be too careful.

For my part, I will hereby cease to be a Crusty Ambulance Driver. I will be extra courteous to everyone who calls 911. I want people to be so pleased with my socialist services that they can't imagine not calling 911 when they think they might have any sort of problem. I want them to think, "why would I want to go to the doctor in my own car, or call a friend to take me to the doctor, when I can call those nice, good-looking gentlemen on the ambulance to come to my house, pick me up from my living room, in my slippers & night gown, and drive me to the hospital in their super-sanitized, luxurious, 911 limousine?" I want people to be so pleased with our service that they tell all their friends about it and encourage them to also call 911 whenever possible.

I've turned over a new leaf...I'm serious about God is my witness, I will hereby serve Jesus by doing my part to expand government services and rob citizens of their freedom & personal responsibility.

All I can say is, I'm sorry. I hope none of you have been led astray by my misdirected, ill-conceived, ignorant complaints about 911 abusers, the 911 system, and in general, government intrusion on freedom. Freedom is of the Devil. It sounds like most of you resolutely held your ground, and you were not swayed by my delusional attempts to persuade you to be free-thinking lovers of liberty...for which I am glad. Carry on, fellow Socialists, and God speed.

What I'm trying to say is, "I'm on a PUMPER! I'm on a PUMPER, MF'ers! Take a good, hard look at my MF'ing pumper."
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