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Death and dying

Posted May 08 2009 11:40pm
Why does this come up today. After two beautiful days of sunshine, and flowers blooming and the renewal of life through spring Im actually in great spirits. My birthday is coming up in a couple of days and Im greatful to say I made it thus far.
Eight months ago I never believed I would see 36. I lay in my bed, unable to move or turn over for many days.The Neobladder operation is a big nasty kick arse surgery. I knew it would be hard.

Nurses would prop up pillows behind my back to allow me to painfully sleep on my side. Lying flat was the only way for me, but my back throbbed from many hours of being on it. It didn't help with six different tubes poking out of my abdomen. Lying on the C.V side in my neck was a no no as it damn hurt to pull it. My back throbbed like a steel vice was attached, it just kept on tightening.

My abdomen grew and grew, and my intestines screamed at protest, every time I took a sip of water, or forced a mouthful of food in against my own will I must say. But I was trying to please the Consultant so she didn't think I was a a pain in the arse. I sweated like there was no tomorrow, and felt like I was swimming in a murkey pool at times. Urine leaked around the two urinary catheters in my abdomen, and it smelled yuck as I wasn't used to urine smelling like pooh. It was the bowel mucus which caused this inital smell. I hated lying with damp dressings, covered in piss, while occasionally rigoring with a temperature. I was burping sulpher, and I felt as though I had vomit permanently hibernating in my throat. I was given laxatives to move my faecally impacted bowels. Which caused severe cramps with little or no return. T.P.N didnt help. Welcome to hell.

One day i just lay very still. I couldnt move, I just wanted to sleep. I knew I was going to be vomiting again, I was terrified. The wound, and abdominal pain associated with it is horrifying. So I lay. When the Consultant came in to check my 8 month pregnant looking belly, I asked to not be touched. I lay. I prayed for my kids. I whispered to who would hear that I was dying. I couldnt take much of a breath it hurt too much. I had to be still, I slept for about four hours on and off. I had a c.t scan that confirmed Bowel Obstruction, and that my new bladder was full of urine. This proberably added to the pressure of the bowel obstruction. My bladder was washed out and drained. I felt a bit more comfortable, I even voluntered to assit the consultant in this procedure.

My emotions were a rollercoster. From wanting to be at home with my kids. Needing to see them at least grow up. To the thought of giving up to escape the relentless pain. I thought if I believed in my doctor and did what I was told that I would get well and go home. I ate my stomach felt like it was being ripped open, my back muscles contracted also. I could barely breathe.Then I would be admonished for not eating. My body was screaming at me to not eat or drink. But I had to do as I was told. Or I was seen as a difficult patient. Fentynal helped, then oral morphine which proberably didnt get absorbed? I couldnt tolerate a nasal gastric tube, so the stomach contents rotted and swam in my stomach, the bacteria causing the most vile gas I couldnt escape from. The stomach kept swelling. The pain and vomiting had started 12 days earlier. I had 12 days of believing I was going to die in a hospital enviroment. The fear was overwhelming. It was like being in one of those dreams where you are trying to run from a predator/monster and your running on the spot screaming with no sound. But no one hears you.

What I had was my small intestine folded up like a elbow joint stuck to my wound. Most people left that long wih a mechanical obstruction die. I dont know how I survived. Maybe my survival instincts were strong, my will to live. Or my body knows how to tolerate such a massive insult? Why do I sound so blimmin morsose? My next operation is looming. Bowel obstruction scares me so much. Not being heard scares me to death.

In my family I have two first cousins who have had kidney cancer, one just had his kidney out 5 weeks ago, it has mets, and some muscle involvement. Unknown type as of yet.
My other cousin died a few years back.He was told he had depression after he complained about his persistant backache, he was put on antidepressants, he died a year later with renal C.A. Both cousins were in late 30/s early 40s group. My son was born with kidney difficulties which went on for sometime.
We really like to share diseases. Theres Prostate, and Bladder C/A also. All weirdly from same family side.I think it all comes from my great grandfathers side. My brother is waiting on some tests tommorrow. Maybe thats why Im contemplating my navel right now, and hoping like hell this next surgery goes well.
Death doesnt scare me, I had a near death experience after having my daughter, it was peaceful. Its how you die thats scares me. Vomoting pooh, burping up egg farts, and sufferring with excruciating pain for weeks on end, while covered in piss and sweat doesnt really apeal to me aye.

I have seen too many other people die. Too many. From lung cancer, kidney failure, suicide, trauma. They are the ones I knew. The ones I didnt know that died were sudden. I think I would prefer the sudden route. Not like the movie 'Awake' though eeew( I stupidly watched that yesterday)

Must be positive, must be positive, *chant* *chant* burn some insense put fore finger on thumb and say ooooom.
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