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Dazed and Confuzed or Unfazed and Amused?

Posted Sep 16 2011 12:00am
Some say that what goes up must come down and I think I'm in agreement.  Things will never be the same forever.  That's life really.  But its difficult to accept if the come down is sudden and abrupt.  A complete earthquaking shudder. 

To bring you up to date, I have had a really turbulent time with the lung rejection treatment.  The mouth sores,ulcers and lethargy complete with the excruciating pain of my swollen wrists started to lead my mind onto a dark path. Uncertainty is one of the things that we all have to contend with, but sometimes this feeling becomes intensified and magnified when related to a specific and personal event.  For me the last few weeks  have been increasingly worriysome toying with whether the rejection treatment would work?  I knew that if it hadn't, then my outlook would be increasingly bleak. 

Focusing very hard on the completion of my photography work and crafting for inspired chic has kept my mind active and away from thinking about what is happening to my body.  I love to be in the know especially when it comes to my health.  Once I have secured the information I tend not to dwell on it or engage in deep discussion.  Usually I will chat with a couple of girlfriends, blog and maybe contact the odd person who I know has shared a similar experience to get their perspective.  This helps to rationalise my thoughts and feel secure and cool about things.  Then I can swiftly move on and direct my energies into enjoying the things I adore in life!  Laughter is my medicine and I will try my best to be in good spirits and not let things weigh me down.

You know, when you have a lung transplant, from that moment you receive your special gift you know just how precious it is.  Just how fragile and the fact that sadly no, it won't last forever as much as you want it to.  I know this.  I know that this year quite frankly has been hard work, a downhill turn with major struggles to get totally back on my feet.  Its just a case of whatever path lies ahead and until then I will just enjoy my life as I always have.   My job really is to be extra vigilant and reactive. 

I have always worried about others and how they feel around me.  Not wanting to offend or upset.  In some cases putting myself at extra risk to keep everyone happy.  Why?  Most of my friends and family have been so accommodating and wouldn't mind in the slightest if explained. Really I shouldn't reciprocate a hug from a person, or if I can't stand around talking, getting exhausted after doing something which for me, is physically challenging.  I have to get real, one of my lovely nurses stressed to me yesterday that being immunosuppressed and trying to keep PTLD at bay means I'm even more so at risk than the average lung transplant recipient so vigilance is key.

Today I do feel a bit dazed and confused, jet lagged even and some sentences are difficult to complete.  My worsd just won't come out!  Mum is very patient but I get upset, though not as much as I used to because it happens so often now.  Like I say uncertainty is not great.  Feeling perplexed and insecure about what I know doesn't sit with me well.  There's no point anyone asking me questions as I don't have the answers.  The same way that its a pointless activity talking about things that cannot be changed=waste of precious time!

Some good news now...I found out yesterday that I got a distinction for my City and Guilds Photography.  I am over the moon as it was hard being so ill but I was also pleased because I apparently impressed the examiners(**blush!**):
'Congratulations you have achieved a distinction in all units. The work was of an exceptional standard, both portfolios and written support work and has impressed all the assessors. On a personal note your work showed a high level of creativity and technical skills. Balancing difficult shooting environments with a personal view of the subjects made your portfolios memorable.'

Really I'm blown away.  I have some plans for my images including a small scale exhibition for fundraising.  I do hope my ability to complete the course will inspire others who suffer from health problems to keep on trying and not give up at the first, second or third hurdle!  Its so easy to focus on all the obstacles and even I am having problems where I'd love to return to uni but I feel that it would be virtually impossible to get to lectures and around university (unless the Institute have re designed their rather unaccommodating campus for those with mobility difficulties).  It would be hard work to even do things like retrieving and photocopying journals and books.  But maybe I am getting this all wrong and need to look into support for disabled students.  I am not naive to this as I had great support when I was with the Open Uni doing a module but I am not sure it relates to campus based universities too.  Oh well, something else to add to my 'to do' list.

I will leave you all with a fun image or two of myself and my mate Pops who were unknowingly on the same train from Newcastle to London yesterday,but she spotted me on the platform (I was looking rather bright in my mustard mac!)

I couldn't resist adding a bit of retro style/lomography to the images post editing.  Great way to add interest and also conceal anything one doesn't like too much :-)

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