The other day I bumped into an old friend. They asked how my surgery went. I would have loved to have said 'It went great!" With a heavy heart I expressed that it had failed. They weren't surprised. I mentioned my feeling on how things have gone since the last operation. They weren't surprised. In fact they even spoke of how basically actually it didn't matter what I did or said I possibly wouldn't get anywhere. All I can say is this person knows the hospital inside out. It was actually reassuring hearing it expressed to me as, it confirmed my own belief that it can be totally futile to try to hold a huge establishment responsible for its failings.
It also felt wonderful to be heard, and understood. It wasn't just shmooze talk, or sweet platitudes. It was a reality.
On a happier note I had a wonderful day with my friend Fi. A real girly day just hanging out, shopping, coffee, and i was relaxed. Thanks Fi! All I wanted for Xmas,was some quality time with loved ones, no fights, no tears. So I had some bloody great quality time with the Fi. Xmas to me isn't a joyful fun thing.
People lose scope on what it is supposed to represent. Its supposed to be about family, friends and showing you love one another and care for each other. Its not about the presents, or how much is spent on a person.
As medical professionals will know that Christmas can be an incredibly hard time for some people. People commit suicide at Xmas, people get depressed. The lonely feel lonelier. Someone may have passed on in their family and its their first time without them. Financial burdens from having to keep up with an Ex partner, or other family members may cause people over the edge. Not having the money to buy gifts, or supply food is a stressor to some. Debt may be created which may not be able to be paid back. Shops and roads are crowded. People get damned cranky. Here in New-Zealand it is summer, so its hot, nasty and crowded. Their also may be the good old family fights ,tears, and the in house alcoholic at Xmas. Morbid it may seem, but this is reality to allot of people. I chose to not celebrate Christmas when I was about 15. I started to see the ugliness, behind the facade of joy. What I saw on T.V the happy smiling faces, the hugs and Christmas cheer happened to other families.
I did make an effort with my children when they were growing up. I do love the smell of a real tree, and Christmas lillies in the morning. I did love the looks on their faces when they open their gifts. The feeling of being together.
But I would be a hypocrite to say that I still believe in the magic of Xmas. I have seen too much sadness. Too much poverty created from it. Then there are also the people who feel they can no longer keep up with the hype of it and they die.
For me being sick, and not being able to work to boost my income has crippled me this year. My son is off with his Dad's on a trip up North,I'm o.k with that. My daughter will be with me, then off to my mothers at some stage. My older son just does his own thing. I'm o.k with it. Not sad, not lonely.
I will blob around the house, clean up, watch a movie and chill until my kids come home. I will thank god that I lived to see in another year. To me it is just another day. I am not cynical. It a reality. Christmas now to me is a consumers nightmare, it has become so materialistic its almost revolting. I can no longer fake it that I believe in it. It a way for retailers to make allot of money, end of story.
If its just about family, friends and getting together, then why not celebrate every day that your children are healthy and still alive. That you still may have parents, and that great friends are forever. Why just do that for one day a year? Christmas should be about forgiveness, love, compassion, kindness. That also should be an everyday event. As a mother I believe you should be there for your kids, look after them when they are sick, help them to grow and learn, show an interest in their lives, praise them when they do well. Give hugs and say I love you. Just be there. My eldest son has grown away from me. He is abusive, and has serious issues. I still told him I love him, but keep him at arms length, to protect the other kids and myself from harm. Teach them how to do things for themselves, so they can be independent when they leave home and not helpless. These are gifts you give your kids. They don't have to be money orientated.
So that's what Xmas means to me. It will be just me and the cats, and dog, and the good old stoma bag(substitute Xmas stocking). That's the way I want it. But to all the Xmas people out there who love it, enjoy it, and have a great time blessings to you all and your families I do enjoy seeing other people have a great time.. :) P.S If I did believe in Xmas I would wish for a non-leaking valve, nice.