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An open letter...

Posted Oct 23 2008 1:20pm
To the 38 year-old guy who still lives with mommy,


Here's a little advice from Pharmacy God on how to land a girl and (hopefully) move out of mommy's house.

  1. Comb your hair before leaving home. Some guys look good with messed-up hair. You do not. I would also suggest washing your hair daily. But let's just stick to the basics for now. I don't want to overwhelm you.
  2. Use some D.O. for your B.O. Some guys can pull off the masculine scent. You don't have the masculine scent, you have a nasty stank. It will help if you bathe (with shampoo and soap) before putting on the deodorant. Women like a nice-smelling guy. You are no longer in junior high, so you may want to invest in cologne other that Brut.
  3. Shave. Your scraggly-ass beard ain't cuttin' it.
  4. Toothpaste. Use it to brush your teeth. At least twice a day. For at least two minutes. Women don't like seeing remnants of last-night's midnight snack stuck in your teeth (neither do I). Mouthwash will also help (your Peridex does NOT count as mouthwash). There are several store brands that work just as well as the national brands.
  5. Wash your clothes. It's one thing if you just got done working and are stopping by the pharmacy, your clothes can be soiled. But you don't work. It's not that hard to throw clothes into the washing machine, add some Tide, and guess what...in 40 minutes your clothes will be clean.
  6. Since we are on clothes, wear clothes that are appropriate. It's okay to wear football jerseys at this point of the year because football training camps have started. It's not okay to wear jerseys that are out-dated. The Drew Bledsoe jersey from his Patriot days is an example of this. Retire the jersey. After you wash it.
  7. Don't gripe at the pharmacy counter about your co-pay. You are on Medicaid. You have a $2.00 copay. It's been that way for several years. It hasn't gone up since last month. And don't try to barter with me. If you don't have the two bucks, ask mommy for it. Just don't make a scene. The ladies don't get turned on by guys who don't have two bucks.
If you follow these simple steps you might have a chance at getting a date. Then you might not have to lust after my technician who takes classes at the same college as you. You might actually get to talk to her and not have her be totally repulsed by you.



Regards,
Pharmacy God
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