True life experience from my real life experience of living days and months without an eatting disorder has truly been a huge surrrender in my fight to be perfect, I surrender to being simply just alive and as free as i can possibly be from all things that leave me feeling confined. I instead fight to assure that I will live and no longer suffer but find spaces of freedom.
Days pass without eatting disorder thoughts coming to my mind. Months pass without relapsing. I feel true freedom that it leaves my mind and my life alone for huge spaces at a time, expecially for those months that are calm and at peace. I feel humble, and I am relaxed with my appearance now even though I am not as thin as i was before, I feel greatful for the freedom from the consiquences of physical pain and the confined feeling of being trapped. I truly understand freedom from my past suffering. Thanks to the Savior in which all hope comes from, and is available to us all.
Its been six years that I've struggled with an eatting disorder. I look back and I remember somewhat the severe suffering and constant battle in my mind that followed me all day long, everyday. It used to be on my mind continually the desperate feeling of needing to continue but the sometimes desire to stop to save my life. The habit of binging, made it difficult to stop. I felt hopeless to learn to stop. There was not even one day of freedom. I was sadly discouraged and thought perhaps I could not even get one day of rest from these thoughts and actions of bulmia and the other behaviors. I remember the irritation of it following my thoughts all day long, everyday. It is once again almost near the 4th of July, and this past year has truly been freedom from this 'thought battle'.
I keep thinking the Eatting Disorder will disapear completely and never come back. I have the hope and the faith that there will be a cure to get rid of it. But I found myself struggling resently, and I was deeply sorrowed because of the severity of it. The way I see it is if we can find any time away from the patterns and thoughts at all, then its worth fighting against it, never give up.
/7 In a perfect world, one we've never known, we would never need to face to world alone, we can have the world or create our own. I may not be brave or strong or smart, but somewhere in my secret heart I know love will find a way anywhere we go I'm home, if you are there beside me(The Savior), my dark turning into day, some how we'll come through, now that I found you, love will find a way.
I was so affraid now I've realised love is never wrong and so it never dies. Theres a perfect world shining in your eyes and if only they could feel it too the happiness i feel with you, they'd know love will find a way. If we are there together, my dark turning into day, some how we'll come through now that I found you. Love will find a way. I know love will find a way.
/7 (((((The Savior will find a way for us to be free. He said " I am the light the truth the way, come with me and I will teach you to be free." quoted from scriptures )))))))
I imagine myself at the coming of The Savior dancing and celebrating his coming. Dancing with thousands of women dressed like balleinas, some men and women dressed in uniforms as soldiers andin band uniforms dancing in a parade of those who believe in Christ the Savior and the Freedom that exists because of him.
I felt for along time that God didn't like me, because I felt that I had made too many mistakes. But through prayer I saw a deeper vision, even a deeper vision on his love and his mercy for women, even women with eatting disorders. For the first time after a life of feeling like i was always 'less' I saw myself as 'more' and I understood that God had a special plan for my life, and he wanted me to help bring women to understand the love of The Savior and help women with eatting disorders.
Even though I have an Eatting Disorder I have been trying my best to live my life like I dont have one. I live life to the fullest I live like I'm dying. I don't let anything bring me down. Today is the 4th of July, and I wrote it on my calender everyday. and even on the days I relaps I told myself I was going to live as if I were free, completely free. =)
WHAT AM I FIGHTING FOR? Carry a different kind of sword, barry your sword of hate, and hold up a sword of love. Put up a fight to love yourself just as you are. I see women with eatting disorders like women in a HURRY running so fast and they cant slow down. So the answer is slow down. When I think of how God sees women he see's a elegant tender ballerina's. So often I say deep in my soul..... "slow..............." like a ballerina "slowly...." "gently...." "softly....." and I turn on some slow and tender music and I dance and I imagine God is smiling down on me, and I make peace with my soul and I find a way to disapear into a secret hideaway. Where I can run away and I can finially slow down.
WHAT AM I FIGHTING FOR? If I fight so hard to "look so good" I'll probably end up with a man that is with me because "I look so good", and then if I give up my fight to save my life, he'll probably leave because I no longer "look so good", so why fight so hard for something that will put my life on the edge. So say to yourself "Do you truly want to die" Because you might just die, if you don't start fighting with a bigger purpose, even to be alive. "do you truly want to die" Have you lived life to the fullest, have you become the person you want people to remember you as, have you traveled all the places you wanted to go, have you got to try all the fun things you've wanted to try, ect. Begin to fight for a better purpose because you really might just die.
Something very important I learned is that alot of my 'fight' to stay IN the eatting disorder is to look really great because I'm trying to impress men or get attention. I have started to tell myself continually "I'm not going to kill myself for a man". A man that would expect me to fight so hard and hurt myself to look beautiful doesn't deserve me and it wouldn't be worth killing myself for. So I realised that if I am NOT IN the eatting disorder I will more likely end up with someone that loves me for me, and that he wouldn't expect me to have to fight so hard for something that could take my life away. And the truth is most men would not want you to hurt yourself to look that way. Men like curves.
Never wait to feel the freedom take over your whole body. The thing I like to do that is very fun is to dance in my kitchen. I feel spiritually, physically, and mentally free and I begin to believe that I can make it even one day and that I begin to believe that I never need to get discouraged. I imagine I'm marching in a parade, a parade with others that are celebrating our freedoms, and we dance and you never give up, and we are truly happy because we don't let anything stand in the way of our happiness. Will you join the parade?
I have to say I feel exactly the same hun. =) Don't think you have to wait for the E.D. to be gone to enjoy and find happiness in life. The more freedom you feel doing something you love you will realise you are free to be happy and nothing can hold you back.