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Only You Can Prevent Fake Pregnancies.

Posted Apr 01 2013 11:50am

There will be no “April Fool” joke from me today. Mostly because I hate them. I prefer my pranks on completely unassuming days, like arbor day or flag day, perhaps Beltane/May Day.

Also, I’ve been friggen sick for days, and I’m simply in no mood for pranks.

I can barely lift my head from the pillow, so my ability to come up with a prank that doesn’t involve a fake (and impossible) pregnancy hoax to the man, is impossible. His face would still pale though, which may be a good enough reason to do it anyway.

If anyone “actually” tells herr husband she’s pregnant on April Fools, and she really is, she deserves an award. Mostly because it would *really* screw with her husband’s head all day, which is reward in itself. Can you imagine April 2? A thing of beauty.

Now I’m about to go out on a limb. I may only be doing this because I am blogging under the influence (not alcohol, just a lot of stuff that makes my brain foggy, yet allows me to breathe and stand mostly upright) We all know that when loopy, my mouth comes unhinged. *do with that tidbit what you will.

A few misconceptions about healthy living bloggers. I realize so many of us are lopped together in one big ol’ incestuous pile of nonsense (especially if you ever go on GOMI threads…guess who was??Again, I’m sick and bored)

1. we are all paleo/gluten free/grain haters.

WRONG. I happen to love grains. Wheat isn’t my all time fave (barley is….mix it with hops?) Not only do I think that consuming a ton of meat isn’t particularly healthy (but I’m not a nutritionist), nor do I buy the fact that our ancestors ate all meat all day,  I also think it’s complete shite for the environment. It takes an asston of water/land to grow meat. One  pound of hamburger takes between 5k and 18,000 gallons of water to produce. That doesn’t even consider the methane off-gassing, sketchy labor, and disgusting conditions many are forced to live in. If it’s polluting your water, you’re polluting your body…and everyone else’s. Not to menton the shoddy treatment of ranchers forced to sell to food giants like Cargill and its ilk. There are small farm alternatives, and they are more expensive. Subsequently, I eat less meat. I do love pastrami, though. Picture this, only replace “mutton” with “pastrami.” A good pastrami ON rye bread? It’s a spiritual experience. I sometimes cry out for pastrami in the middle of the night.

                            

2. We all work out all the time, even when we’re sick.

WRONG. I’m currently on day 4 of not working out. I do hate it, as I love routine, but I’d hate being sick longer more than I’d hate damaged routine. I’d be super embarrassed if I puked at the gym. #noexcuses is a popular hashtag on twitter. I’ll take it as “I’m listening to my body.” #noexcuses. Things/people you should also listen to with #noexcuses? This guy.

For Real.

(ok, and Dumbledore, his advice seems pretty solid. Ok, AND Ryan Seacrest. That guy’s like friggen King Midas. I’m also pretty sure my MawMaw was right when she told me not to overheat my oil when frying corncakes.)

3. We all have super-regimented eating.

You’re probably laughing out loud if you’ve read my blog for any length of time. I follow the 90/10 rule and it works for me. 90% of the time, I eat very well. 10% of my food is beer and sugar. 2 weeks of the year, when I visit my family, all hell breaks loose. It’s like the Klumps meet Paula Deen at a Nascar race. We grease our wheels with butter. We used to use Crisco, but really, that’s just unhealthy.

4. We all love protein shakes and recipes with oats.

Ok, this one may be kinda true.

Almond Chai Granola. I made it just for YOU!!

photo 4 (2)

 

Almond Chai Granola

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 5 minutes

Cook Time: 25 minutes

Keywords: bake breakfast side snack

Ingredients (3 cups)

Instructions

preheat oven to 375F

heat all ingredients save for oats in a microwave safe bowl on high 25 seconds

pour over oats and stir thoroughly

spread onto a greased cookie sheet (the jelly roll style)

bake for 10 minutes, toss. bake 10 more minutes, toss again. bake 5 minutes

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