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Five Gifts I DON’T Want You to Buy Me for Valentine’s Day

Posted Feb 14 2013 1:39pm

Here’ s a nice confession for you.


I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s day.

No, really.

I think it’s a kind of a dumb holiday.  And impractical.


Maybe I’m still jaded from the absolutely awkward incident of not receiving that one red carnation for Valentine’s Day in 7th Grade so long ago, when clearly everyone else in class was more loved than I was.  I mean, in hindsight,  I should have bought one for myself and labeled it from a “secret admirer”.  But no, I sat at the edge of my seat, anxiously awaiting my name to be called by the flower lady, so that I could walk up to the front of the class and accept my token of love….  and then sat silently crushed as evil carnation lady called out the names of all the girls who received their special valentine’s day carnation (…except me.

Darn you 7th grade crush for not realizing I existed.  And as all the girls squealed with delight and jumped out of their seats to run up to the chalkboard and receive their precious perennial, I sat there aghast and understood that truly Valentine’s Day is a stupid holiday.


But anyhoo, I’m not bitter.  I swear.  Nope.


I’m just not a big gushy person about Valentine’s Day.


Now don’t get me wrong- I love doing things for the people in my life.  Now that I’m married, and have kids- I love to do the fun crafty V-Day stuff with my daughter- like buy her chocolates and jewelry, and make cakes for her daddy.  And I really enjoy making a nice dinner and dessert for my husband and family.  But that’s as far as it goes, and if I don’t get a present or card- I don’t go throwing a princess fit about it.


So for fun, I’ve compiled a list.  A practical list of five things I DO NOT want you to buy me for Valentine’s day.  I’m sorry.  I’m being anti – Valentine today.  It’s charming though, right?  RIGHT?

Valentine's Day Humor


valentines day flowers



Please don’t spend $100 on flowers for me.  You could have bought those flowers last week and saved $75.  And plus – I can totally use that $100 to buy important things like crap I don’t need from the crafting store.  Just give me the cash instead.  Or better yet- get a bottle of wine, a blockbuster movie, and we’ll split the rest.  K? Thanks.


chocolate heart



I appreciate the gesture.  I really do.  Because I effing love me some chocolate.  But I’m trying to LOSE weight and I have no self control.  So thank you for the large heart shaped box full of two levels of expensive chocolates, but what are you going to do about the fact that I just ate the entire box by myself and am now sitting in a mess of wrappers, broken dreams, and self loathing.





The last thing I want to do tonight as I trudge home from work is fight the annoying crowds of “happy” young couples who don’t know any better and wait for 2 hours to eat my damn dinner which most likely will be cold or wrong due to the fact that the restaurant is PACKED and my server is slammed.  And also my server is probably pissed because they had to work on Valentine’s Day, so hopefully they don’t take that out on us.  Let’s just wait and go to dinner this weekend when everyone is at home because they spent all their money on the same expensive $200 Valentine’s day dinner that we are now enjoying for $9.99.  M’kay?


red lacy underpants



Really?  Isn’t this more for the guy?

But, ok,  I’ll play along.  Let’s just say for funzies that you happened to guess the correct size.  Now this is crucial.  Because if you are THAT guy that is going to buy your lucky lady lingerie and you buy a size too small, you’ve just insulted your girl.  But on the other hand, if you buy a size too big, you’ve just insulted your girl.


How you may ask?  Well say you come home with the beautifully wrapped box containing the red lace thong thingy you are hoping your gal will put on later tonight for you.  She cautiously holds it up not knowing what to say, then she notices that hey this is a small and I’m obviously in a large….  Bam.  Now deal with the tears of disappointment as she realizes that she’s not thin enough for you, and you just lost your sexy time.


But say the lingerie is too big?  Bam.  Now she thinks that you really must see her as bigger than she truly is.  She’s obviously a small and you think she’s a large?  How dare you.  You lose.


Now say you are me and I get a nice pair of crotchless red lace underpants for Valentine’s day with a little wink and a nod.  After I stop laughing, I’ll most likely remind you that we have exactly 5 minutes of free alone time, so by the time I even figure out how to put the damn things on, our sexy time is up because we have kids.  WE don’t GET FREE ALONE TIME.  And no, I’m not waking up at the crack ass of dawn to maneuver myself into a pair of butt floss for your enjoyment   I’m sleeping.  leave me alone.



And Finally.


diamond necklace




Just kidding.  Buy me all the shiny things you want.  Carry on.


I hope you have a fantastic Valentine’s Day!


I wanted cake


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