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Carve Me Out Of Lard

Posted Dec 06 2012 9:48am

We all know I love bacon . I don’t love turkey bacon, that’s processed franken food. I love honest-to-pete, happy pig, nitrate free, pork bacon . I love it so much I want to marry it. I also don’t eat it that often.

Why??  Because it’s not a friggen every day food. It’s one of those “once in a while” foods you tell your kids about. I’m even cool with once a week. Hell, twice is ok if you buy center cut or pressed bacon.

America is apparently OBSESSED with the strips of joy, so much so that we have bacon flavored whisky, marshmallows, mayonnaise, potato chips, and now?

AN ENTIRE FRIGGEN TELEVISION SHOW DEDICATED TO IT.

It’s like Paula Deen’s brother decided that butter was getting all the love and decided to make her squeal like a pig. Good grief.  ”The United States of Bacon” will air on the Discovery channel, because apparently, bacon is scientific? Chef Todd Fisher (who kinda looks like Paula Deen’s baby brother) is the host. I know what you’re thinking….you’re hoping he wears a curly tail on the show. Me too, guys. Me too.

America? This is why we’re fat.

You know what? Someone once carved a Paula Deen bust out of butter, maybe he’ll get one made from lard!!!

To be fair, PD and this guy don’t have the market cornered on bizarro food obsessions.

I eat oatmeal every. day. I have a crush on that sexy Quaker, what can I say?

When will vegetables get their own show? You could go crazy and add fruit!! Get a hipster looking mother trucker to host it. Give him a vest and fedora, and he can travel with a box from the CSA and a banjo. He’ll need to be funny, though. Let’s put a BOLO out for one.

Unfortunately, most hipsters are more into bacon. Yes, hipsters, I just stereotyped your entire group.

I love unhealthy food as much as the next person, but sometimes, I like to take something that’s really unhealthy, and make it awesome, and healthy.

One of my favorite restaurants here in the city does breaded, poached eggs that have been deep fried. They’re effing amazing. They also must have 92475938476 calories each.

My version? 100 calories an egg. Could you die?

breaded poached or soft cooked eggs.

Breaded Poached Eggs

by Cat Tan

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: 15 minutes

Keywords: fry steam breakfast side

Ingredients

Instructions

poach or soft cook the eggs in water at a rolling boil

combine other ingredients in shallow dish

gently remove the poached or hard cooked eggs and let drain

roll in bread crumb mixture gently

in a pan, add a bit of grapeseed oil or cooking spray in a pan set to HIGH and fry each side 1 minute

I like mine with hot sauce.

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