F is for Fibromyalgia that wants to suck the life out of you. It takes a vibrant, thriving person and turns them into something that is unrecognizable. I look in the mirror with wonder and say, "what the hell happened to me?"
F is for the fog that turns a fairly intelligent person into a lump of jelly. There are times that I actually think an amoeba has a higher IQ than I do. The fog has me looking for glasses and they're on top of my head. It's scrambling for the keys that are right in my hand. It has me standing in the middle of the grocery store wondering what I was supposed to buy.
F is for the fatigue that isn't relieved by sleep. It's the feeling that roadkill feels better than you do. It's going out to do simple errands and coming home feeling defeated because you haven't expended hardly any energy.
F is for the fun that we miss. It seems that making plans is a thing of the past. If we do make plans there is always that caveat that "it depends on how the day progresses." Sometimes I feel like I sit in the shadows because I don't want the focus to be on me. I used to have a lot of fun. Now, I don't.
F is for fat. I don't get as much hard exercise anymore so it's harder to lose weight. Even though I'm not, I feel like a big fat lump.
F is for frustration. Everything about this illness frustrates me. Every single time I get dismissed by another doctor I get frustrated. When I get the look that tells me the word Fibromyalgia is a garbage can diagnosis, I get frustrated. I get frustrated when I can't think straight and I get frustrated when I don't feel good for days on end.
F is for force. There are the days that I finally say "screw it" and force myself to either work out or push myself beyond what my body decides I'm able to do. I do this periodically when I get tired of being tired.
F is for the fetal position that I find myself in after I get finished doing the above.
F is for fearful. Every time a new symptom rears its ugly head I become fearful. I'm afraid of my own body because I can't trust it anymore.
F is for facade. I do this well because I don't want people to know how bad the pain is or not to appear weak. I hide behind this smiling facade and only those who know me well can see beyond it.
F is for faith. I have faith that it will all work out. It took awhile to get here. I've suffered through the confusion about my path and through the loss of my identity and income. Faith has brought me through so many things in my life and it has never failed me. I just have to search to find it and bring it front and center.
F is for forgiveness. I think that we need to forgive ourselves for being sick. We are so used to having control over our bodies and our lives that it's tough to navigate this thing called chronic illness.
F is for flares. Nuff said.
F can be for so many things,
feeling those fears are frivolous
feeling that finally life will never go forward.
F can ultimately stand for freedom because we can be free of fear.
F can also stand for fibromyalgia allowing us,in spite of everything, to fly and find ourselves.
What other F-words do you know?