It's Sunday morning, 7 am and I'm up after about 3 and a half hours of sleep. My body hates me right now. I really hope that I don't find the rusty machete we have somewhere because this left leg is going to be an issue today, I can already feel it.
It's dangerous for me to be awake so early on a Sunday morning and to think back on this week. It was an intense week and Monday seems like it was so long ago. Even Friday seems like it was so long ago. I have a lot of thoughts running through my head. I made some decisions this week, or maybe my body made some decisions for me this week. I decided I'm at the point where I needed to drop my semester long course.
This is from Wednesday morning posted on a group board in Ravelry
Barely slept last night. The stress due to everything going on is going
to kill me… I’m very disappointed - I decided I just don’t have the
brain power to continue my class. The pain is making it so hard to
concentrate, the fibro fog is extra foggy due to the pain and I’m
distracted with everything else I have on my plate. Yesterday was more
of a “pull myself up by my bootstraps” type of day and today is a “screw
the boots, I wanna have a pity party” type of day.
Hugs Gaby! I know that quitting the class is sad for you and probably
a “reality check” that you did not want. But, you have not failed in
anything. You have chosen to do what is best for you, your body and your
family. There may be a time when you can take the class again, or you
may find another way to learn it at your own pace.
Have your pity party today and grieve, but just know you are a great success despite it all.
There's something about being heard, truly heard, and naming/validating the feelings I had not been able to articulate in my post that made reading Kim's response so meaningful to me.
Yes, I'm sad, very sad about not being able to do it all. I know doing it all is unrealistic but that doesn't change the fact that that's what I want to do.
It's a "reality check" that I've been ignoring... again.
I totally and completely feel like a failure... for many reasons including but not limited to dropping the class.
Grieving, it's part of the process of these conditions that affect my life. And it sucks!
A very important young lady in my life posted this as her Facebook status
wanna be remembered as the girl who always smiled, the one who could
always brighten your day, even if she couldn't brighten her own...
And that reminds me that I've always tried to be that girl, the one who can grin and bear and get through each day with a smile even when my heart, my body and my soul are broken. I try to be so positive, I know that there are lessons in each and every day. I don't know what I'm supposed to be learning right now...
This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s a
five minute brain dump. This week I wrote until it felt like this thought was complete, at least for now. Link up