My head is full of lots of thoughts right now. I don't know what to talk about, I feel like some of what I want to say needs a lot of explaining and I don't know that I have the energy to do all of that right now.
I should be in bed, the weekend has been busy. I'm exhausted yet I'm up, not quite ready to go to bed even though it's 11:23 pm.
I challenged myself in a way that I had never challenged myself before. I stopped when my body said I had to stop. My body is so unhappy with me and I don't quite know what to do about it anymore. My family participates in Aztec Dance as part of our spiritual practice. This weekend was the celebration we host annually. It is a 2 day event, on Saturday night is a vigil and on Sunday is the dance portion.
Many of the responsibilities are taxing on my body but this is where the fight between my body and my soul comes head to head. This year my body won and I hate it for doing so. There's so much that I want to do still... my heart aches to think that I can't do some of the things that I've been able to do before. I end up missing out on some pretty special moments because of it.
I missed my husband and our 16 year old having a special moment in the middle of the circle of about 200 dancers because my body can't let me be in the circle. I don't know... I've gotten to the point where I get more sad than angry.
This year I accepted that my body wasn't going to let me do anything. Up front, in the planning stages I said no to some of the responsibilities. I left the vigil early, like waaaaay early because I knew I needed to get home to take some muscle relaxants so I wouldn't end up chopping my leg off. I got to the dance portion late, after taking our 8 yo to swimming class. I had originally intended not to do anything, because I know my body. Of course, I couldn't not do anything. I helped in the kitchen, helping to prepare dinner for everyone there. Shredding chicken, serving plates, cleaning the kitchen. My body wasn't happy but I couldn't just be there without doing anything.
Here's a video of once upon a time when I could dance...
In this video, we are dancing for Mexican Heritage Night at the San Francisco Giants Game on the field at AT&T Park. I am on the left of the drums in the shiny blue, my son's godfather is next to me on the drum on the left and my husband is next to him on the drum on the right.
This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s a
five minute brain dump. This week I wrote until I couldn't anymore... There's still more in there but I just can't do it right now. Link up at all.things.fadra