SOC Sunday - 3.6.2011 - Bumped to the back of the line
Posted Mar 06 2011 12:00am
It took me all day to figure out what I wanted to write about for 5-ish minutes today... there has been a lot on my mind all week and to try to figure out where to start has definitely been a challenge. Follow the button for more posts like this one and to get more info if you'd like to join in.
On Tuesday night I sat in the Emergency Room, waiting my turn to be seen. All beds were full, the waiting room was full and the waiting room after being seen by the triage nurse was full. We all sat waiting our turn, even after we were told it would be several hours before we'd be seen. Then an ambulance came in and we all got bumped. Obviously, someone coming in on an ambulance takes priority over everyone who came in on their own.
Since then, that phrase that I said to myself in the Emergency Room has been rattling around in my head. "Bumped to the back of the line"... "bumped to the back of the line"... I've been thinking a lot about those words over the past few days.
I've realized through different situations this week that I have bumped myself to the back of the line. No one has done it to me, I am not a victim in this situation. I have let myself fall to the back of the line. No one else, just me. Any time I want to advocate for myself, I feel guilty, I feel selfish. In the end, I create a more stressful situation for myself. I imagine that those around me are more stressed when I am also.
When did I decide that setting boundaries was wrong? When in my life did it become bad to say no? Why is it wrong to want something different? Something more? Something less?
Some days it feels like I can't have an opinion. Other days it feels as if I've got to have all the answers. I don't want either extreme, I would love to find some happy medium, some center, some balance to it all. It seems like a fantasy, a mystical place that doesn't exist. I know it's out there, I think I've been there. I think, no I know, if I stop bumping myself to the back of the line I might be able to get back there.