Not only that but I'm pissed... enough is enough. These diseases - I guess that's what they are - rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia are pissing me off. Yes, I know, I've been in denial for 4 years. The next stage of grief is Anger. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's normal to be feeling this way. Whatever! I'm tired of feeling this way - physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually even.
I am at the point where I'm giving up hope and faith, in lots of things. I give up on the medical system, this approach of aiming in the dark and hoping that we actually find something that will work is tiring, it's draining, and there's always side effects to deal with. I am grateful that I have access to medical care and that my insurance allows me to get medications that cost over $1000 for a $20 co-pay. I know I'm blessed in this way.
I am tired of not being able to participate as much as I want in my kids' activities. Tired of having to stop them from giving me big hugs because they hurt my body. Tired of having to tell them to be careful with me when they want to lay in bed and snuggle with me, especially on the weekends. I hate not being able to run around the park with them, not being able to play basketball, not being able to get down on the floor and wrestle with them. Tired of thinking back about the things I wasn't able to do with my little one, the baby things I wasn't able to fully enjoy. Something simple like bath time because I couldn't kneel next to the tub.
I can't wear the shoes that I want... I love shoes, all kinds of shoes. I can't wear high heels because of what they do to my feet. I have some heels that I hold on to because I can wear them for sit-down dinners where I won't be doing much walking. I can't wear flip-flops because they don't offer any support. I resorted to wearing slip on sneakers for the ease of putting them on - no shoe laces to tie. No support there either. I have orthotics that were made for my feet, they don't fit in many shoes - pretty much only in running shoes. So I am confined to running shoes if I want to attempt to have my feet function better. But running shoes can't go with every outfit. I can't wear running shoes to an interview with a prospective client. I have to deal with finding flat shoes that are interview worthy but that don't offer much support for my feet, they can be really comfortable but still not provide much support.
I like to knit, crochet, sew, and do all sorts of other arts and crafts. I am limited in what I can do. Depending on how my hands feel I may not be able to knit or crochet. I hate not being able to do whatever I want.
I can't dance and that is really upsetting to me. I love to dance! Dance is also a part of my spiritual expression. I can't dance and that really upsets me. I have to modify and alter how I express myself spiritually because of the chaos happening in my body. My body can't keep up with my spirit, and that really sucks.
In a nutshell, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm pissed at the different ways that this affects my life and I give up in more ways than one.
This is a long post, I needed to get this off my chest. I have a doctor's appointment today that I needed to clear my head for. I may remove it soon as it may not need to spend a lot of time in the blogosphere.