Before I complete my previous post on being overwhelmed with (not by) fibromyalgia, I must write the following post on being overwhelmed by (not with) fibromyalgia.
I am the sort that likes to plan. I am not the sort that likes to stick to said plan. I wish I were. But, if I were, I think I would stick to my plans more than I do. I allow one activity to take longer than originally planned. I begin an unplanned activity. I get sidetracked by the plans others make. So, to be honest, I plan simply to feel prepared. I do not plan to know what I will be doing when and where. Fibromyalgia makes the latter type of planning nearly impossible. And for that, today I hate it (fibromyalgia, not the aforementioned fact). I am overwhelmed and feeling out of control of my life.
Until lately, I thought my love of planning was inherited from my mother and her mother. Or, at least I thought it was an environmental thing. But, to be honest, I think I could easily explain my love of planning in a totally different way by simply identifying what I love about planning. As mentioned above I like feeling prepared. That is true. However, mostly I like to plan because I can imagine feeling 100%. I can imagine how my day would go if I woke up with energy, no pain, and a clear mind. I can imagine lasting until the end of the day without a nap and getting numerous items checked off my to do list. I can imagine being able to prioritize without getting lost in my foggy brain. I can imagine my day going just as planned (or at least I can imagine my day not being derailed due to something related to my health).
Today I wish I could plan my days, and weeks, and months, and years, and life. I wish I could plan more than one goal per day. I wish I could just map out all the things I want to do, try, and learn on a giant calendar and start clicking them off, knowing I will get to each of them. I wish I could… And I know I can. I just need to figure out my realities, my priorities, and my capabilities. But each time I try to think this through I wander off on some mental detour.
I think I need a vacation. Maybe Aunt Linda’s place at Cholla Bay. Or a few days at Zuma.
I promise I’ll be over this by tonight. Until then Imogen Heap and the Red Album with keep my company.
P.S. I just remembered I have a date with my dad tonight! AAR & Journey. This should be fun.